Leann

Hi, Mary: I'm breathing a sigh of relief as well. Not that Christmas was terrible, but I was just content to celebrate in my own way this year. Now that both of my parents are gone (my Mom passed away on December 8th), I just needed to rest. Told my family that I would come to visit them later in the week. I'm just so weary of everyone in my family asking me, "Are you ok? You seem depressed." I finally told one of them, "Well, I just lost my Mom! How do you think I'm going to feel!! I'm doing the best I can right now!!" Guess I've arrived at the anger stage and I guess some of them mean well. My body feels like it has been hit with a truck right now after Mom's long illness, so I didn't think resting now and spending time with family later this week was such a bad thing. I just wanted a softer, quieter, gentler Christmas this year. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you negotiate the remainder of the holiday season and beyond. Hugs, Leann

Hello, everyone: I visited this discussion board five years ago when my Dad passed away. It was such a lifeline for me then. I recently lost my Mom to Parkinson's Disease (she had been on Hospice for a year)on December 8th. Her passing is making the holidays even harder this year. Now both of my parents are gone and I feel very lonely and lost. Will appreciate discussions with others. Love and prayers, Leann

Hello, there: Please accept my deepest condolences for the loss of your mother. You're feelings aren't strange at all....they're how you're feeling right now. This discussion board is a kind, safe place to share your thoughts. Everyone here is a heart with ears. I lost my Dad a year and a half ago. I thought this past fall would be better, but on his birthday (November 1st), I had the same pain in the small of my back (right where the kidneys are) that I had for about eight months after he died. The pain continued on through the holidays this year and subsided after the New Year's holiday. One of my Dad's causes of death was renal failure, so I'm wondering if it's a subconscious way of trying to connect with him. I still haven't been able to clear out his dresser drawer. I can totally relate to what you're saying. I'm glad you found us. Love and hugs, Leann

Hello, Lauren: I'm so sorry that you have had to go through so much at such a young age. As Shell wisely wrote you, try your best just to take one thing at a time, one day at a time. This can be easier said than done sometimes, but it's the best any of us can do. Also, please keep in touch with us here on the boards....this is a truly safe, caring place. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs, Leann

No doubt that they are! Hugs, Leann

Hi, everyone: I had another grief burst today....seems like there are lots of triggers around for me right now. I attended a beautiful wedding this evening. The youngest daughter of one of my colleagues (and a former student of mine) got married, so it was a happy occassion. At the beginning of the ceremony, they had a beautiful PowerPoint presentation running. It contained a collection of childhood pictures of the bride with her father (she's very close to her Dad, too). The song playing as the slideshow ran was "I Held Her First." It was so pretty and touching but made me sad at the same time....my Dad won't be here to see me marry. There was a bit of humor as well. The groom's ring had been misplaced and it wasn't realized until the point in the ceremony where the bride had to place it on his finger. So there was a bit of adlibbing. After the ceremony, everyone was gathered outside the church to blow bubbles at the bride and groom as they left for the reception. They were just getting ready to come out to the car when the bride's father hollered, "Stop! Just a minute!" He came running up with the ring box in his hand. As he handed it to the bride so she could place the ring on her new husband's finger, he turned to the crowd and said with a wink, "Sorry.....we had something to get fixed. That's what Dads do!" I thought, yes indeed it is! I hope the bride will value that memory of her Dad. Hugs and prayers to all, Leann

Hi, Lori: Thanks so much for your kind words of support....I know you're Dad is watching over you as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you celebrate with your father-in-law. Love, Leann

Hi, Pebbles: I'm so glad to see your posts....everybody here understands. Do what you feel is best for you. I've been off the boards myself for a while; felt like I needed a breather, but it's so good to be back. This is my first Father's Day without my Dad, so I truly understand what you're saying about feeling envious of folks who still have their Dad. I experienced something similar yesterday. The nursing home where my Mom is at is having a breakfast for all the Fathers this morning, so they were busy getting ready for that. I felt so hurt at that moment; it felt like someone had stuck a knife in my heart.....very similar feelings I felt when he passed away last year. Some anger even rose to the surface as well. It just doesn't seem fair, does it? Will be thinking of you as you travel west. My prayer is that you, your Mom, and the rest of your family will draw comfort and strength from each other. Love, Leann

Hi... I'm reading your posts for the first time and I'm truly touched...what an inspirational person you are! Your father sounds like an absolute gem...it's no wonder you miss him so much. His impact on your life is huge. Like you, my Dad was not only my father; he was my best friend. He passed away last June 18th (Father's Day) and I miss him so much. It's been year now and I have days where I just cry and cry and cry....the hurt and pain in my heart is so bad. I still feel lost and disoriented. It comforts me to know that someone else is still making their way through the process as well, even though it's been a while. To us, it still feels like it was yesterday. I'm so glad you found this site and that Marty is able to assist you with posting! Please post as often as you can. The folks here are so caring and writing does help. Take care. My thoughts, prayers, and hugs are with you. Love, Leann

Hi, everybody: My thoughts and prayers are with everybody who are remembering their Dads right now, with Father's Day coming up and all. I know some of us have great memories of our fathers and some of us have memories that aren't the greatest. Reagardless, they're on our minds and hearts. It will be a year on the 18th for my Dad. I had a big grief burst today. I went to the nursing home to see my Mom and they are preparing for Father's Day festivities there. They are having breakfast out on the front porch of the nursing home tomorrow morning fo all the Dads; I'm so glad they're doing this. However, I was hurting....I wanted my Dad to be here so badly at that moment and I felt like an outsider looking in. As my brother said, it's "one more hump to get over." I bought a Father's Day card the other day and took it out to the cemetery for my Dad. While I was standing there looking at all the beautiful cards, I started to cry again. It just hurts so much that he's not here..... Hugs to all, Leann

Hi, Shell: Please accept my heartfelt sympathy and condolences for the loss of your dear Mother. We're all here whenever you come back. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Love, Leann

Hi, Pebbles...My thoughts and prayers are with you. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to see him going through all of this. Your Dad sounds pretty much like mine. He had been my Mom's caretaker for many years and his consuming thoughts the night before he died was that she be well taken care of, which my brother and I are attempting to do. He always felt that he had to be so strong for everyone else. Please take good care of yourself and keep us posted on how he's doing. Hugs, Leann

Hi, Shelley: I'm so sorry to hear that you've been having a rough time of late. I'm dreading the upcoming one year anniversary of my Dad's death this summer; Christmas was pretty rough and I've been very down since then....so I haven't been on the boards for a while. My brother and I had quite a disagreement over the holidays, which didn't help much either. But I guess as we've said many times before on here...the best we can do is to do the best we can do one day at a time. I'm glad you felt that you made it through your Dad's anniversary the best you could. Please feel free to email privately anytime you'd like to as well. Hugs, Leann

Hi, Jeff...I certainly understand how you feel. On New Year's Day, I felt such a huge sense of relief that 2006 was finally over. Since the holidays, I've been feeling pretty tired and wiped out, things I've now come to know as normal reactions. However, I'm looking forward with hope to 2007 and as Shell wisely says, "one day at a time." That's all we can do. Hugs, Leann

Hi, Kittylove: Thanks so much for the link! I've been feeling pretty down and wiped out since the holidays and this might just be what I need to do. Thanks for the reminder! Hugs, Leann

Hi, Shelley: Thinking of you and praying for you....let us know how your flight goes. Hugs, Leann

Hi, Lori...I've been away for a while, so I'm just logging on this evening and catching up with everything and everyone. I'm so sorry to learn that the holidays were so difficult for you. Some of my relationships with family and friends have changed a lot since my Dad died, too. There have been some folks who have been very supportive that I didn't expect would be, and that has been a pleasant surprise. Then there are some I thought would be right there beside me, and I haven't seen "hide nor hair" of them! I have seen the best and the worst in people since beginning my journey. So I guess I'm better off without those people in my life. It sounds like you handled things the best you could and did what was best for you. That's what matters. Hugs, Leann

Hi, Jeff: Please accept my condolences at your Dad's death. I truly empathize with you. My Dad had a stroke 12/14/05. Right up until he had his stroke, he was an active man still helping my brother with the farming. As a result of the stroke, his speech as well as his left arm, hand, and leg were affected. What really broke my heart was to see him get soooo frustrated because he couldn't do for himself. He apologized to the nurses over and over when they helped him clean up after he went to the bathroom. He really worked hard at his rehab....his speech came back to normal and he regained use of his left hand and arm. By the time he passed away in June, he could use a walker with assistance. His death in June (on Father's Day) was a shock to everyone. He had another blood clot which went to his heart. I struggle with my emotions as well. Of course I wish he was still with us (every single day).....but then on the other hand, I think about what his quality of life would have been like if my Dad would have lived (what if the clot had caused another stroke?) Perhaps the outcome of a second stroke would not have been like the first....I truly would not have wanted to see my Dad in bed, possibly unable to carry on a conversation, possibly not knowing who I am, unable to be out working with the animals etc. At any rate, things worked out how they worked out. I try to comfort myself with the thought that Dad didn't have to go through any more of that stuff and is at peace and at rest. My Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease in 1981, when I was a senior in high school. She's now 80. As many of my dear friends on this board have said, please don't beat yourself up. Caregiving is stressful and exhausting. Sometimes, you do lose patience because you feel so wiped outor you have to repeat the same thing over and over for your loved one. Then the feelings of guilt start. I attend a support group in my area for Alzheimer's families, and it has helped a lot. So has this discussion board. 2006 has been such a long year and I'm soooo glad to see it go. As Shell said, though, it helps to try and stay positive; I've been doing some self-talk. I'm really trying hard to look forward with hope. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. Wishing you comfort and peace, Leann

Hi, everyone... I've been away from my computer for a while. I went back to my hometown to visit with my Mom and my brother while I'm on break from my teaching job. My students will be back tomorrow and I'm glad to be back in the routine. Like everyone else, I'm sooooo glad the holidays are over. My brother and I both heaved a sigh of relief. We didn't fight or anything like that. This was a Christmas of firsts for her: her first without our Dad and her first in the nursing home. She misses him and home so much it truly broke my heart. We sign her out and bring her home periodically, which seems to help her. She wanted to go "see" my Dad, so I signed her out and took her to the cemetery. It seemed to help her feel better. We also had meals with her; my brother has lunch with her every day and I go for supper every day that I'm home. But today, Doug and I just looked at each other and both said at the same time "I feel soooo wiped out!" Things were just so wierd without Dad. I'm thinking of you all and praying for you. Hugs, Leann

Hi, Jenn: This is my first Christmas without my Dad and, like you, I knew it was going to be hard....but as I have often experienced on my journey, it has been harder than I expected. I've been doing a lot of crying and sleeping lately. I just haven't had the energy to do too much in relation to getting ready for Christmas. Sending cards and attending parties just isn't happening for me this year. I've decorated some, but not a whole lot. My local hospice had a service of remembrance recently and I bought an ornament and candle for my Dad. The service was beautiful, but I sat there and had tears streaming down my face the whole time. They just wouldn't stop. But in another respect,the service was so comforting for me and I'm glad I went. Just do what you can, let the rest go, and take the comfort and hope where you can find it. Wishing you comfort and peace, Leann

Hi, Sonia: I'm so very sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts and prayers at this time. I'm really glad you found this site; it's been such a blessing for me. The folks here have really helped me feel less alone in my journey and I have been able to find some sense of peace. Please visit often; may you find comfort and peace here as well. Hugs, Leann

Welcome back, Shelley! I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Leann

Thanks, Denise! This is such a helpful list....one I needed to see right now because I think I'm at a point in my grieving where I'm scared I'll forget. I plan to try some of your suggestions. Hugs, Leann

Thanks, everybody, for helping me feel better. All of your perspectives gave me great food for thought once I got my tears and upset out and was able to think a little more clearly. It just seems like I'm soooo touchy right now, about everything. Here's what had happened: one of my colleagues at the school where I teach lost her Dad about a month ago to cancer. So I was attempting to write a thoughtful condolence card to her. I was searching for just the right words and was having trouble getting my thoughts together, so I went to my local library and found a book entitled 'My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes and Conversations" by Florence Isaacs. It was a helpful resource as far as providing a springboard for expressing my own words of comfort to her. But that one sentence in the introduction to the chapter about the death of a parent really set me off that day. Maybe I was missing my Dad a bunch that particular day. Then, something happened while I was visiting my brother at the farm over the Thanksgiving holiday that helped me feel better also. Doug had gone to town on an errand, and I was at the house by myself putting up a few Christmas decorations. Neither one of us have the energy to put up a lot, but we wanted to put up a few things. Anyhow, I was out in the front yard and it was a warm, windy day (too warm for this time of year in Illinois, but we'll take it!). Anyhow, I was putting up some lights, and I heard a man's voice say my name, just as clear as clear could be! I literally jumped out of my skin, expecting to see someone standing there behind me. But the only "person" there was my wonderful cat, and he was laying on the sidewalk in the sun, fast asleep. I sat down on the porch step, my heart beating out of my chest when I thought "that was Dad trying to get me to calm down!" I know that was my Dad, I know it! Every since that day, I have felt a little calmer about everything. Thanks guys! And thanks, Dad! Hugs, Leann

Hi, Andrea: Please accept my condolences from the bottom of my heart. My Dad passed away suddenly this past June after appearing to make a remarkable recovery from a stroke. I was positively numb for about a month....all I had the energy to do all day long was to sit in his rocking chair and just rock. A second blood clot formed and went to his heart, causing his death. A first blood clot had caused his stroke. If he had had a second stroke, he might not have come out of it as well as the first. So at least he didn't suffer. It's as Shell said, that does help some (but not a lot). Just be gentle on yourself and take one day at a time....one moment at a time if you have to. You've been through a lot. And keep talking to us..that helps, too. Wishing you comfort and peace, Leann