New Stage

[DoubleJo]

After my first husband of 27 years died, I met someone a year later ( widower)and we lived together for 31/2 years. One month after we married he died.

It has been 1 1/4 years since he died. He remodeled the entire inside of my home. I could look at all that he did and strangely it didn't effect me. I spent most of this time wondering if he was ever really here. Now suddenly I realize he is really really dead and not here. Now I'm able to see the work he did here for me in a new light. Now it hurts to see it all. It is too much and I have to shut out some of it.

I don't think my mind could deal with all the reality and now some more of it is opening up to me. I was doing pretty well for quite awhile. Now I am grieving all over again on another level. This stuff takes so long to go through, and it's never quite finished. There are always remembered tears for someone. I am crying and crying all over again and I surprise myself.

I made new associations, tried to connect to new groups, build a new life and it worked pretty well. I even met a new man who loves me. I haven't been able this time to let go and feel for him as I did for Curt after my first husband died. That has bothered me. Now I know why. I'm only half way done with my grieving. I have this new deepness coming from inside me of grief. I had been suspicious about my lack of feeling when I saw his work in the house. I thought I wasn't nearly done with touching all of Curt that I needed to do and by golly, I was correct. Time does help. But what you carry with you through this ever moving time are so many shades of gray that pop out and needs to be gone through. Such is the mystery of death to the living.

Doublejo

[kayc]

Doublejo,

I can really relate. Our circumstances are different but some of what we've experienced is similar. My grief for George was compounded by other circumstances and it made it more difficult to get through in many ways, although I've worked very hard at rebuilding my life. I think I am finally doing better...although I've learned from the past, that every time you think you're doing better, you get hit afresh. That's okay, I've come to accept that too. I would just caution you that I wouldn't totally let go of your new relationship, but maybe take it slower if you can. Hopefully he can be supportive and understand. It is a lot to ask of them, but if they can, it can really help in the long run. I have been fortunate to have had such a relationship with John. Rebuilding has been challenging as we live so far away, but we're committed to making it work and it is going well. I wish you the best. It seems very unfair that someone should have to go through this twice, especially so close together. I know that is a risk I take by loving John, but life is a risk and I can quit living just because of all of the "what ifs"...if I end up losing him to death someday, I will just have to deal with it the best I can. Life does have it's knockdowns, but it also has its rainbows. I wish you the best...grieve, but never give up living.

[DoubleJo]

Kayc:

You have spoken with me before and each time it has been a pleasure. I am very fortunate that my new guy understands as he is widowed too. I couldn't look back someday and see days that were wasted with nothings when there was made available to me opportunities. But the inability to really enjoy these

opportunities is just so frustrating. I have had some times were I was laughing and hearing the sound of it was odd. something remembered. I was always a rather serious person and now I am more so. As you well know the entire way of looking at living changes. We have another view of life, unlike when we were younger and death unknown. Parts of you become deadened and you're always a little on "alert". I am stubborn, though. I have been given this time to continue living and I will do so. Lifes' possibilites are always exciting and hopeful. Its' just the tiredness of it all. You get a little weary from all the aftermath and the death usually isn't the only problem we're dealing with.

Not being with your new loved one must be hard, but perhaps at this time it can help you ease into a transistion, rather than all or none. Besides, if you are both committed your hearts are always touching which keeps you closer than you may think.

I wish you the best. And thank you for replying.