Two Awful Wknds In A Row

[Maylissa]

First, there was Mother's Day last wknd, which I posted about in another thread. Then there was THIS last wknd., a long wknd. here in Canada. It was just as bad, but in a different way.

Tomorrow will be 9 long months without my darling girl and I suspect it will be another difficult day, though perhaps with some important inner shifts that are in process right now....because of this last wknd. from Hell!

We ended up taking in (well, SHE decided to move right in) a wonderful, all-white kitty who appeared to be lost or abandoned. This girl looked SO much like our Nissa, even down to her dainty size, including her feet, only pure white....the lone, missing colour-tone from our former fur-family (Sabin, black; Nissa, grey). She seemed like a duplicate of BOTH of our kids, combined, was young, so full of life, zest and incredible friskiness, though also so well-behaved for her young age, it was almost freakish! My H was supposed to be going away on business for a week, starting on this wknd. but it was canceled at the last moment....thank goodness, and now I believe the Universe was taking care of me, so I wouldn't have had to go through this all alone!

Over the wknd, I ended up cleaning up many dirty spots on this girl, rubbing, patting, touching and kissing her anywhere I wanted (JUST like MY kids let me do...as if I'd known this one all my life!), feeding her, letting her in and out constantly, playing with her like I haven't played in many, long years (a real Energizer Bunny of a girl!), cleaning out her ears, grooming her, reworking her too-tight collar (and putting OUR phone # on it, hoping if she left, her 'owners' would call and I'd know she belonged somewhere), sleeping with her (well, THAT part was nothing but nice) and generally being suddenly thrust right back into animal parenthood....which brought up a LOT of issues for me to try to resolve quickly!

What I was faced with was all this:

-I am STILL nowhere near ready to take on this kind of role/challenge again, so soon after years of stress from dealing with serious health issues, or frankly, ANY health issues, and general worries for safety, etc.!

-I had been slowly and painfully, but definitely becoming acclimatized to this new normal, with the inherent freedoms to focus on myself and other matters that had all been put on hold for many years.

-I wasn't emotionally prepared to give all that up again, when I'd barely begun to settle into this 'respite' period before possibly starting another family.

-I was caught between a rock and a hard place, as I wrestled with what to DO with this sweet girl, should her 'owners' not come forward w/i about a week. My friend with the no-kill shelter wouldn't take her, as she's now overloaded with about 50 cats who were in much more dire straits. A kill shelter was out of the question for me, yet placing a cat who is NOT a kitten is usually as difficult or impossible as rescuers say, and this would impact not only our first longer vacation we've allowed ourselves in about 17 years, but our fur-daughter's burial plans and all the household work we've planned for this summer and beyond. I just wanted all this to not be happening, and not having to be the ONE who decided her fate!

-My heart still has part of a wall built around it, and I wasn't able, for the first time in my life, to let it open enough, on a sustained basis, to be fair to any kidlet who graced my home. It just hurt too much, too often....especially when, just yesterday, this girl suddenly kissed me ON THE LIPS, similarly to how my own girl did (though not in quite the same way, either)....and it mostly just hurt, BADLY....because it wasn't MY girl doing it. And the resentment towards the whole situation (not towards her, though) was increasing with every minute.

-It would NOT be good for my marriage, as my H, too, spoke of how unready he also was, for such a step so soon after our loss. We BOTH need the break from worry and heartache. But he was ready to take her to the kill shelter after a short while, while I could never live with myself for condemning her to an almost certain death, and all that shelter stress beforehand. We couldn't agree, so he decided to let ME make whatever choices were required.

-I became physically ill again, after only one day of this, with all my usual stress-related conditions, one on top of another, so knew this was not a good situation for me.

-I realized I COULD, in time, love this little one hugely....but just wasn't capable of managing it right NOW, and felt myself seeming to start experiencing panic attacks, even while trying to relax a bit. I was in a 60/40 battle of both wanting nothing to do with this, and wishing to keep her, she was such a wonderful, little darling....who just kept looking like my Nissa, in angel-white! But the keynote was that she WASN'T my girl, and she's still the only one I wish to love right now.

Anyway, we put about 10 posters around town yesterday, and at 10:30pm I got a call.....from her 'owners', who'd been away for the long wknd and left her with their son. Their son had realized she was missing 2 days ago yet hadn't 'bothered' to put up any LOST signs yet! (I could smack him for causing so much angst that needn't have been!!) She's not spayed (though she's already 8 months old!, had no tattoo, a collar but w/o any tag info. The woman was really grateful to us for doing what we did, but I made no bones about what SHOULD be done to guard against this happening this way again, eg. ID, spaying, a better and safer collar, as well as the personal hell we went through because of their irresponsible choices. My rescue friend had palpated this kitty (she's a pediatrician by training) and thought this poor cat might already be pregnant (hope she's wrong!), so I made sure to pass that info along, too (light a fire, as it were). And to lend some irony to the situation, this cat lives a mere 5 houses down from us! Had she had decent ID, I could have had her home in under a half-hour. On the other hand, this woman was shocked to discover that we hadn't 'imprisoned' their cat inside, so it was definitely her CHOICE to stay with us.....that told me plenty by itself. So even with my reluctance and pain, I guess I've still 'got it' when it comes to being a good cat-mother! And the utter relief I felt when I now knew she did have her own home was palpable! (this woman didn't get it, btw, when I kissed her cat goodbye, but told her I wasn't ready to play mom again, so was happy she was going home; she just kept saying "You need another CAT!")

So this one, beautiful and loving cat taught me a whole whack of things in just a few days, days from Hell, but now blessings. I now can appreciate my freedoms much more, despite the ongoing grief over my girl. And, unless she gets spayed as promised and stops wandering quite so far from home, I've now gotten the only thing I wanted all along ~ a bestest feline friend who I can truly ENJOY being around now, w/o all that added pressure of having to be a mom before I'm ready! WHAT a weekend! I just had to share this experience with all of you, now that it's happily resolved.

Edited May 22, 2007 by Maylissa

[MartyT]

Oh Maylissa, I was holding my breath as I read your story, hoping against hope that it would end the way it did. I am SO PROUD of you I can barely stand it.

Your story reminds me so much of something that happened to me shortly after my beloved Muffin died. I don't have time right now to tell the story, but suffice it to say that I was faced with very similar circumstances when a darling little dog simply and mysteriously appeared in our backyard one day. I was deep in the middle of mourning my loss of Muffin, and was in absolutely no position (or mood) to be taking on another dog, no matter how adorable he was. My situation did not resolve as quickly as yours did, but eventually we found another home for the dog and the story ended well for all concerned. Like you, Maylissa, I listened to my heart, was true to my own feelings and instincts, and managed to let him go. I knew that I had a lot of grief work to do, and I was in no condition to open my heart to another dog at that point in my process.

Oh Maylissa, hooray for YOU

[Maylissa]

Thanks, Marty , for that much-needed praise and sharing of your own, similar experience! I'm telling you, the way you put your sentiments always makes me S..M..I..L..E , and even chuckle with glee, they're so warm and kindred spirit-like! I'm not a bit surprised that you, too, did the right thing by that poor soul, despite your own grief....but man-oh-man, it IS so tough (and unfair!) that people like us, who care so deeply, have to step up to the plate when we're at such low points, while the irresponsible ones get to skip gaily along w/o a care in the world, while we fix the problems they created! I'm pretty sure you probably suffered the same frustration and anger as I did, but even more so, seeing as your situation didn't have an easier ending. But I'm so glad that you're in this world, too, and managed to do such HARD work on his behalf! You deserve an even BIGGER pat on the back than I! But we can both hold our heads up high, for not having just looked the other way, despite our personal sorrows. And I'm glad, for your sake, that this was a dog (though emotionally harder for you, personally), as they usually are easier to place compared to cats, who are considered more dime-a-dozen in most parts....like here, obviously.

But I DO hope this is the last 'test' for awhile for me, seeing as I'd just gone through this in the fall as well, with that grey cat who WAS abandoned and only ended up getting adopted with the eventual, but reluctant help of my no-kill friend. My yard just seems to be a magnet for cats, now that Nissa's scent isn't being freshly applied most days.

A friend of mine just heard about my story, too, and wonders if I ought not to be sort of 'pushy' and offer to get this poor cat spayed myself, in case they don't really intend to follow through with their 'promise'. We're both very passionate animal people (too bad we don't live anywhere near each other ), and we're both wondering about the level of 'care' and other home conditions of this wee one. Plus, if she IS pregnant already, we can just imagine the consequences of yet another cat in this world having kittens, and those kittens not getting fixed, either.....which only adds to this constant stream of problems, both globally and personally, for me, you and many other animal lovers! So I'll still be thinking about such intervention in the coming week, but I'm not sure if I have the strength to follow up unless opportunity knocks....and I know for darn sure that my H won't agree with any such idea, though I'd already thought of this and mentioned my concerns. We could conceivably end up with a whole family of roaming cats in the neighbourhood, just from this one girl. However, at least for today, I'm just going to revel in my gains, and steel myself for Nissa's 9th tomorrow.

Thanks so much for your never-ending support and encouragement!

Hugs and more hugs,

Maylissa