Longing For My Gypsy

[Lisa Q]

Hi All,

I am a new member. I lost my beloved Gypsy eight days ago. She was a beautiful Chow/Collie mix. I adopted her as a "senior" dog and only had her five short years but during that time we developed an incredible bond and life. I was only 25 years old when I adopted her...just bought my first condo, living in a city where I did not know anyone, etc. She made my house a home! She never complained, never asked for anything - she just wanted love (and treats!)...always looking at me with adoring eyes. She was my soulmate doggie...she understood my personality like no human person I have ever met. Together we welcomed another senior chow mix, Gertie, into our home and created a family. My favorite Friday night activity was hanging out at home with my girls watching a movie or reading. I am grateful that she did not suffer...I consider myself lucky to have had the ability to "plan" her death. It was the excrusiating decision I have ever had to make in my life but I absolutely believe that it was a decision that she needed to have made for her and wanted made for her. I believe that I did it on our terms and how she would have wanted...that it was the final gift I could have given her.

But even with that peace, I am experiencing extreme longing for her. I miss her so much. I miss everything but mostly the simple things...I miss her sweet smell, I miss the sound of her taking a "bath" and licking her paws, I miss kissing her good night, I miss the content feeling that both of my girls are sleeping at my feet while I sleep or watch tv, I miss her following me all around the house (she was my shadow), I miss watching her and Gertie interact, I miss the sound of her collar jingling, I miss her little snout knudging my leg while I prepared her meals and medication. I just miss everything about her. She was my baby, my everything. She made me a better person.

Its weird because some of the day to day tasks seem to be getting a little easier. Don't get me wrong...it still sucks! Coming home and not seeing her sucks, feeding only one dog sucks, etc. But I have tried to change some routines so that Gertie returns to happiness and that has helped a little. But it seems that I can not get my arms around the fact that is all final. That she will never be back, I'll never get to hug her again or feel her soft fur. My mind keeps playing stupid tricks on me...when the vet called today to tell me that her ashes were back, I had a glimmer of excitement thinking "my Gypsy is coming home today and everything is going to be back to normal". Kind of like she has been away for surgury and is being released from the hospital. Does anyone else have these feelings? She was my baby and wish she was coming home.

P.S. Please excuse my spelling - its horrible and I do see a spell check on here.

[lorikelly]

Hi i am so sorry. i lost my wonderful Spanky (beagel/corgi Mix) in sept and my mom in july. it was horrible i lost two very important friends in less then 3 mos. i long for both of them. some days i can not believe they are gone. we did get a puppy 3 mos ago from the shelter. but i can honestly say i will never love him like spanky. that is a place in my heart that can never be filled. lori

[Maylissa]

Lisa,

I'm so sorry for your recent loss of your beloved Gypsy and for the pain of missing her so greatly. I understand that. Our feline daughter, Nissa, also had a more-or-less "planned" passing so much of my mourning for her involves that 'simpler' missing everything that used to encompass our daily lives together....and it's tough, tough, tough. And yes, it is the little, but intimate things that tug at the heart so greatly, moment by moment, day by day, as we remember and yearn for a magical return of them.

"I had a glimmer of excitement thinking "my Gypsy is coming home today and everything is going to be back to normal". Kind of like she has been away for surgury and is being released from the hospital. Does anyone else have these feelings? "

It's funny you mentioned these feelings, because although it's already been close to 10 months for me, I've recently been having an upsurge of this kind of so-called 'magical thinking' myself! I already know it's quite common in the early parts of grief, but I've been surprised to KEEP discovering it still there, over the last few months, and much more intensely once again. It's been feeling like after all our preparations for our first upcoming holiday in about 17 yrs. (no babies left now, so we can go away ) are done, and we've gone away and come back later on.......my 'reward' for getting through such an alien activity will be to come home to find my darling girl waiting for us.....just like normal. I can feel this 'magical' thought and at the same time realize it's still just wishful thinking, and yet the two feelings exist side by side. So part of me is simply dreading this holiday and makes me wonder how in the world I'll cope with the 'crash' once we've been there, done that. I've also experienced these kinds of thoughts with the simplest of tasks that needed doing.....always having it feel like there'll be that 'reward' at the end of them. I'm still not settled myself in the 'finality' of it all.

So yes, I've had the same feelings. They're perfectly normal, but very, very hard to cope with, like any aspect of grief. No matter HOW 'good' our babies' crossings might have been, grief is still one tough battle and it will 'get' us in whatever ways it can.

Your situation reminds me of how I had to change so many things after we lost Nissa's brother 7 yrs ago, rather suddenly. Like you and Gyspy, Sabin and I were SO tight, even though I loved both him and his sister equally....certain things were so LINKED with him and me. Like Gypsy, he " understood my personality like no human person I have ever met." He was my first, huge teacher. After the loss of someone so special, it helps having someone else you love to still look after, but it can also at times make your loss seem all the more glaring, by sudden comparison of the past routines and habits that used to include the whole family 'mobile'.

But you and Gertie can also help each other now, just as Nissa and I did in each other's company, growing closeness and appreciation of each other's wonderful qualities, all of which of course grew ever larger for 6 1/2 more precious and beautiful years. Nissa really came into her own after her period of mourning lessened (a few months), and she ended up really enjoying being an 'only child'! I made sure to ask a few times, through an animal communicator, if she wanted us to get her a new cat companion, not that I really thought she did, but wanted to make sure, for her sake. She replied, "But I already HAVE a cat!" (she was referring to me, since I've always innately understood cats, and acted like one ) I now think it was all meant to be, just as it happened, for I may have missed out on all her 'newness' had her brother still been here, playing ring-leader for us all. And she and I ended up embodying LOVE sooooo hugely, words cannot even come close to describing it. They were both my soulmates, each relationship was its own, yet both platinum in their own ways. We were all a team of 3, yet also teams of 2, each to each other. I wouldn't have missed any of these different aspects for anything.

So, despite all the pain of losing Gypsy, I'd encourage you wherever you can, to allow Gertie and yourself to be the soft places for each of you to fall upon, as you both grieve your immense loss.

Again, I'm so sorry and hope that visiting with fellow animal lovers and grievers here will help you along your own journey through it. If you have the means, I'd love to see a picture of Gypsy if you'd care to share one with us.

Edited June 9, 2007 by Maylissa