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My Sons Are Gone

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I thought it was bad when I lost my son in my eighth month of pregnancy back in 79 but it was nothing compared to when my oldest son Jeff was killed due to medical neglect on Mothers Day 1999. If not for my three daughters and youngest Son Trevor, I wouldn't have made it through.

My whole family was there taking care of me as I was so doped up with drugs I didn't know if I was coming or going and they had to take the pills away from me. We let off white balloons and two white doves at the cemetary where he was put to rest. My son and three daughters all got a tatto for their brother. For years I have had nightmares over Jeff. He was alone when he was killed and I wasn't there to hold his hand, or to whisper how much I loved him.

I'd seen him that morning, Mothers Day and we visited for a couple of hours. He used to call me eery single morning for the past twenty years and we'd talk for one to two hours about everything and nothing.

I live alone with my two dogs and my daughter that I adopted at birth lives just on the next street. She was my granddaughter but I raised her as my own daughter. Jeff was her father.

WHen we went to NC to visit the rest of the family in June of 2005, my youngest son Trevor who was 37 years old had been killed in a one car crash. I don't remember much of that time....and I had to wonder why God hated me so much as to take three sons from me. I wait now for another to fall....someone else to bury on the hill in NC...

It should have been me as I'm sixty seven years old. I should have gone on....there is no life without my children.

The worse is when I was cleaning out my file cabinet after Trevors funeral I found a letter he'd written a few years back saying his father had abused him as a child. He never told me and I never saw anything out of the way. He loved his dad and never once did he ever mention anything to him. I wanted to kill my ex husband but he got lung cancer and only had a few months to live. I told him that I knew and he was lucky to be alive.

So I have to wonder if I missed anything....if all my family missed anything that could have led us to know anything and it kills me that I didn't protect him. I had the four children and our house was happy, we went to church every week, worked and played on the weekends....how could I have been so blind...

I wanted to tell on him once I found out, but my one daughter begged me not to, said I'd only hurt the grandkids if they knew and she blames me for letting the oldest grandaughter know about it...she is nineteen and I just blurted it out I was so angry...

it's all messed up...and the pain will never go away...

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Dear One,

The magnitude of your losses is beyond all human understanding, and you have our deepest sympathy. You have found your way to a safe and caring place, and you are always most welcome here. Nevertheless, your needs extend far beyond whatever comfort and support you will find in an online message board, and you deserve whatever additional help you can find. I hope with all my heart that you've also found some other safe places to take your grief, as this is way too much for you to be dealing with all by yourself. I hope you are seeing a grief therapist or counselor, and / or participating in a support group for bereaved parents. I hope you are availing yourself of all the online resources you can find to help you understand, process, cope with, and manage all of this pain. If you need a place to begin to find such resources, please pay a long visit to my Grief Healing Web site, and see especially the links I've listed on the Death of an Infant, Child, Grandchild page.

No one can take your pain away, my friend, and as you say, I don't know that it will ever "go away" ~ but I do know this for sure: You are not alone in your pain, and we are here for you whenever you need us to listen . . .

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

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