Coming Up On One Year...

[Mrcelloboy]

The accident that took Kathy's life occured last Nov. 10th. I'm planning on spending some time at the intersection where this occurred, at the time it occurred (8:30AM) with any other friends and cyclists who happen to want to participate.

Coming up on this one-year anniversary has picked at the scab of my healing. I've had some bad mornings mixed in with the gradual and general feeling of recovery I'd mostly been experiencing. The bad is mostly stress over financial and family matters which, if I'd just not stress, will most likely be fine. I work at just letting go, and letting go again... and again, until I realize my mood has gotten past the momentary feelings of desperation. I leared years ago, when I had a brief bout with depression, that what works for me is this repeated "letting go" with directed intent. Eventually I'll realize I'm past the feelings that a while before were almost unbearable.

On the other hand, if it's grief I'm feeling, I make no attempt to push it away. I know well that supressing this emotion (or feeling) just delays it until another time. So I let the waves of sadness, loss and hurt take me over for their time.

My new relationship continues going well, going on a third month now. Again; I need to be concious of my grief and not try to smother it with the pleasure I experience with my new partner. Fortunate for me she's supportive of my grief, not jealous of my love for Kathy, and allows me the space to express all facets of what I feel.

[DesertBob]

Cello Boy,

I used to not much understand these little plastic cross-and-flower memorials that randomly litter the roadways, but now I do. If Linda had died that way, I would probably be doing just what you're doing, and/or maintaining a little shrine. It helps, somehow.

--Bob

The accident that took Kathy's life occured last Nov. 10th. I'm planning on spending some time at the intersection where this occurred, at the time it occurred (8:30AM) with any other friends and cyclists who happen to want to participate.

[kayc]

Mrcelloboy,

I'm glad to hear your relationship is still going well. I was also very fortunate in finding John as he never tried to hurry my grief or discount it or change it in any way, he was just there for me. It helped that he knew and loved George for who he was as well.

The one year anniversary is a time of reflection, I think you should pay heed to it in any way that brings you comfort and by acknowledging it, it's a way of doing something to honor her and what she meant to you, what you lost the day she died. It will get better, I promise you that. We will never forget, but we do learn to live our different lives somehow.

[Mrcelloboy]

Thank you both. Conversation almost always seems to help (me).

I'm reading a book now called "How to Talk to a Widower". It's a bit of a wierd combination of fictional humor and drama, but certainly does capture some of the bizarre feelings we experience after our loss.

[DesertBob]

Kayc,

I've always heard that women tend to have the GOTLW problem (Ghost of the Late Wife). The conventional wisdom (CW, since I seem to be acronym-happy today) is that you should be far enough resolved with your grief so that it doesn't dominate the relationship. You're further advised as a widower by more than one article to remove pictures or shrines from your home as they will creep the poor woman out.

This seems a little much to me. I have a beautiful canvas portrait of Linda in what I no doubt will always think of as "her" office, and similar portraits of both of us on the living room wall. Even if I were to be in a relationship again someday, she would still be an important part of my past that I would always honor. Seems to me that anyone who is creeped out by this is probably not someone I should waste my time on. I can see the basic unfairness of getting into a relationship with someone while you are still a deep-in-grief basket case like I am now, and I can see that you shouldn't ever compare a new love to an idealized version of a prior spouse and make them feel they can't live up to it. But I can't see locking up your LW (or LH) in a strongbox someplace and erasing all traces of them from your life, either.

Anyway your John sounds like a gem. I'm glad you have him.

--Bob

Mrcelloboy,

I'm glad to hear your relationship is still going well. I was also very fortunate in finding John as he never tried to hurry my grief or discount it or change it in any way, he was just there for me. It helped that he knew and loved George for who he was as well.

[Corinne]

Bob,

There is not only the GOTLW problem, there is also the GOTLH problem. When I got together with John, I was not allowed to bring up Jimmy because he new how deep our love was and it bothered him. My children did not even know that I had been married until after John died. I will never get involved with anyone that does not accept my past lives and let me talk about them. That is probably why I am still grieving Jimmy after almost 11 yrs. Don't ever let anyone have you take your precious Linda's picture down. If they do then I would move on to someone else. I don't understand how people can be threatened by someone who is gone. It is possible to have loved someone with your whole being and have lost them and to once again find love. Our hearts are big enough to love more than one person.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne