Cant Take It Anymore..

[Laurensftb]

Well its been awhile but i lost my dad when i was 11 never got along with my step dad which cause my mom and me to drift apart since he was taking his side to avoid conflict. Me and my mom were really close we would talk all the time talk about dad and how things were, up until she decided that it was easier to just let it have things his way. My step dad was very controlling and bipolar. I moved out when i was 16 then and am now currently living with my grandparents. Im 17 now and its soo hard to go through everything i've just kinda say whatever to things. My grandpa has cancer as well so thats a whole other story. I feel like im not supossed to have a family. I miss my dad and i wish he was still here. I wish i could be with my mom and brother and not have my step dad there...

everything has just built up for so long i feel like im going to explode.

[shell]

laurensftb,

I'm so sorry for all your losses...your dad, your relationship with your mom, your grandfathers illness. It must be very hard on you, especially the situation with your mom. Are you close at all with your grandmother? I hope she has helped to fill the void for you. Someday, your mom may be alone and come back to you, so hang in there. You just never know how life is going to go, and it eventually works out.

A big hug to you,

Shell

[allalone]

I too am very sorry for your loss.

No one truly knows how you really feel. People can have similar experiences, but even with that no one will know exactly what you are going through. We can only try to help by sharing and offering our thought and feelings to you.

My experience was similar to yours in that my mom tried to keep the peace and it seemed like when I was young she took his side and then in other ways she took ours (us kids) and we all left the home as soon as we could.

You are very lucky to be able to turn to and live with your grandparents. I hope you can look at the time you are spending with them as a gift. I often wonder if this is fate that circumstances and people are brought together for a reason

I know in losing your dad that is in itself huge blow that can take a lifetime to get over and that probably your mom getting married was too quick for you because you are still grieving your dad. Now that one of your grandfathers is physically ill it may bring back a lot of the pain you felt when your dad passed.

I hope you can somehow feel that by living with your grandparents it gave you time that you may not have otherwise had with them and they perhaps have taught you things that you never would have been able to have with anyone else.

I can only imagine how difficult it is to watch waht is happening with your grandfather, but perhaps you and your grandmother can console one another.

Hopefully things get better with your nuclear family and those connections will be renewed.

[shell]

Allalone brought up two really good observations. That your grandfathers illness might bring back the memories of your father and that you may have felt your mother married too soon. That would also make you feel maybe "shoved aside", I don't know. It's so hard when your whole life changes and especially when it's several things at once.

Hang in there, things will smooth out eventually. In the meantime, can you get together with your mom where it's just you and her, and maybe your brother? So your step-father won't be there? Maybe you can explain your feelings to her and start mending your relationship. Let her know how much you miss what you used to have. Do you see your brother much? How does he feel about the step-father? If none of this is anything you care to share, I'll understand.

Hugs,

Shell

[DesertBob]

Lauren,

My late wife lost her Dad at 11, not through death ... he simply abandoned the family. Disappeared and was never heard from again. That is an awful thing to happen to a girl at just that age. That's when a girl is looking to her dad for validation and affirmation and cues and clues for dealing with men. In her first marriage she wound up with another aloof, unreadable, undependable man who continued to make her feel undesirable. I'd like to think I did better but she often still projected those qualities onto me because by then she was convinced it was a universal reality. It was almost like she was trying to make me be that way because after awhile you can't please a person and you DO become aloof just to survive.

I assume your Dad died, but you may feel abandoned anyway. It's not rational but it's a pretty normal response. If you do have those feelings it's good to acknowledge them and talk them out with someone, a pro if necessary. It needs to be resolved or you may spend the rest of your life trying to scratch that particular itch and it can stress your relationships, even destroy them. And it will never be easier to make needed changes in your thinking than now. As you get older (not old, just older) your brain is less malleable.

If your current family is that dysfunctional you are going to have to reach outside that circle for support. That's part of the value of coming here to talk. We're glad you're here. I'm sorry for your losses and for the difficulties you face. But you can overcome more than you think. Many of us here have.

Best,

--Bob