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I'm new here. Just found you today. Typed in "grief", hit search, and came across this site.

I had been wondering "how long" I was supposed to be feeling sad after the loss of my mother. I don't like to call it "loss" because I do believe she passed through the veil and into the next stage of existence in eternity. But it feels like loss sometimes, and I suppose that is because of the longing I feel to talk to her, and feel her cheek against mine in a hug that only a mother can give. I don't talk about my grief to others because I feel they expect me to be over it. But I had been feeling lately like I could find the answer to that if I just took the time to look. Then I found this site. It has helped me to know that I am not alone in how I feel. Thank you very much.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer October 2006 and was given a year to live. And boy, did she live. It only slowed her down a bit. She took a trip to Hawaii and made a return trip to South Dakota just to go fly-fishing. My dad died 3 years ago (also cancer) and mom had taken great care of him for 18 years throughout his illness. She was always very active, but when he passed, she went into overdrive. She loved talking to people, going places, and getting "into trouble" as she would call it. She just loved adventure and had many, many friends. They all enjoyed her sense of humor and her neverending smile, even in the hardest of times.

At the beginning of October of this year she called and finally said it was time for me to come live with her and take care of her. I had offered many times, but she was reluctant to go into the "hospice" category of treatment. I was very glad she called when she did. The day after I arrived, she said we were going fishing. We did. She loved it even though she was weak and I had to help her with a walker down to the bank of the stream. She grew progressively weaker through the month of October. I moved my office from 100 miles away, into one of the bedrooms in her home and continued to do my job while providing 24-hour a day care. I stopped sleeping, I lost 15 lbs in 3 weeks. It was tough. Mom did the emotional work of purging all of her issues. Some of it was hard to hear, but necessary for both of us to get closure on the pains and struggles of her life. One day she told me and the visiting hospice nurse, "no matter what happens, don't feel guiltly because you did the best you could and it's just my time to go". Looking back, I'm sure she said that because of her own feelings when dad died. Still, what a generous thing to say. I wish I didn't feel guilty, like she told me, but I look back to her final days and see all the things I wish I had done better. I know there's no sense in doing that, but I can't seem to stop it. I know I did the best I could, but it probably wasn't as good as someone else could have done. I'm not a nurse, I get irritable when I'm sleepless, etc......

Thanks for letting me post. I don't feel better yet but I'm glad to finally have an outlet for how I'm feeling.

One other thing...I just received a message this afternoon that my grandma passed this morning. This has been a really tough year.

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sandralb,

I'm so sorry for your losses and glad you found this site. I took care of both my mom and dad (who died 2 and a half years apart) and I also lost weight, didn't get much sleep, etc. Believe me, I know what you went through and I also feel guilty in the same way. I know I did the best job I could, but I too think I should have done this or that better! Funny, because lately I've been obsessing about it too. I talk myself into believing that I did the best and I'm not going to feel anymore guilt, but then it sneaks back up again. I think it's just that we loved them so much, we'll never feel we did "enough". But we did and all we can do is quit beating ourselves up about it.

Your mother did, indeed, give you a wonderful gift by telling you what she did. What a wonderful person she was!

Just hang in there and give yourself a break. I "officially" give you permission to not feel guilty for a week! Hopefully that will turn into two weeks, three, etc. You did a wonderful job caring for your mom. Don't count the getting irritable...stuff like that. I did the same thing, but I have to remind myself that I'm only human afterall. I'm not a superhuman, nobody is and we came as close as one can get to it!

A big hug and please come back and post more,

Shell

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Sandralb,

Wow your mother sounds like an absolutely wonderful person. My mother liked to get into "trouble" too! Oh the stories I could tell of us breaking all the rules and having soooo much fun! It is a very difficult thing to watch someone you love slowly die. My mom was a spunky, outgoing, talk-to-everyone person, and it was hard to watch her lose energy. But I am so thankful that I was there to help make her life at least a little easier. When I feel guilty about "not doing enough" I imagine what it would feel like if I had chosen not to be her primary caretaker. Then I don't feel AS bad.

There is one thing that has helped me a little to deal with my grief and sadness: Helping others. The last thing I want to do is be around people at this point, but when I force myself to get out of the house, and realize that people don't mean the dumb things they say, helping others really takes the focus off of my own problems for a while. Please continue to post and read others' posts. I wish you the best!

Drew

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Shell,

Thank you so much! You are very kind and I'm sorry too for your losses. Losing both parents in such a short period of time causes me to feel "lost in space" sometimes. Perhaps you feel that way too? I'll be 48 years old this year, but I still feel like a kid without any parents and that losing them should motivate me to grow up. Unfortunately, I occastionally still feel like curling up in a ball because I want my mom and my dad to still be here. On top of that, I now feel like I have a responsibility to their friends to be the strong one, and I do feel that helping all of them get through it is what I should be doing now instead of focusing on myself. My mom's best friend is having a hard time and I want to do something special for her but don't know what yet.

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Drew,

You sound like and angel....you and Shell both. I was fortunate enough to have an angel swoop in at the moment I lost control (2 days before mom died) and help me with things I never would have known to do. Her name is Miracle, and she truly is one. Everything fell into place those last two days, if you can call it that. Miracle's grandma has passed away at home too, and she helped me take care of mom when she was in the last stages of her life. I never could have managed without her. I injured by back pretty severly 3 days prior to her death because she suddenly wasn't able to walk....but I didn't know that when I got her out of bed and had to catch her to keep her from falling.

I've only told a few people this next part. After mom passed, I sat down on the opposite side of the bed from where she had been laying. I leaned back against the pillows and felt the heating pad on my back that mom had had on every day since I arrived. I thought to myself, "thank goodness, they left the heating pad on". I sat there for about 10 minutes just feeling the warmth on my back. When I got up to go to bed, I reached behind me to get the heating pad, only to find there wasn't one there. I like to think mom was giving me a parting gift of comfort in those 10 minutes.

Hang in there, Drew. You will be OK. Take one day at a time. I'm grateful for your response. I liked hearing about your mom's "wild" side and how much fun you had together. Remember those times when you start getting down. I'll try to take my own advice. On this day last year, mom and I were crusing into Hilo, HI together and excited about our vacation together. We did have fun. I will miss her every day until we are together again.

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Sandralb,

I'm 54 and feel like a little girl who lost her parents! Age definitely has nothing to do with it, other than the fact that we got to spend more time with our parents than someone who lost them when they were in their teens or twenties. I guess that's one thing we can be grateful about. And yes, I feel like I'm "lost in space" a lot of the time! A good way of describing it.

Helping others is absolutely a really healing thing. That's a great first step! Sometimes we forget that others are mourning too, or just need someone to be there for them, just like we do. That's great that you are thinking of her good friend. Just the fact that you are thinking about this makes me know that you will be ok, you will get through this.

Hugs,

Shell

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