Complicated Grief

[Corinne]

Hi,

I know most here on the site are going through the horrible gut-wrenching to your soul kind of grief, which I experienced when I lost Jimmy, but this grief for John is just so complicated it is driving me crazy. John and I were having problems when he died, mainly due to his drinking and gambling which then would bring on the verbal abuse and I had been pretty tired of it. When he died I guess it was kind of relief from the strife along with being in shock that I was kind of numb. Now that it is coming up on a year, (even the date part is complicated if you go by when he went missing it will be a year on Feb. 24 but if you go by when they found him it will be Apr. 18), I am over the numb and am so broken by the loss, the reality of his death is now hitting me. He was only 34, he has two beautiful daughters and deep down he had a really good heart, it was just the alcohol and gambling had such a hold on him. I find myself thinking of him all the time, I see him everywhere I look, I miss his big hugs and watching him play with the girls. This journey is so different and scarey because I don't know what will be coming around the next bend of this ride. I don't know why I am even posting this except that maybe there is someone else out there that is going through a complicated grief also and they need to know that they are not crazy or alone in this complicated process or maybe I just felt that if I saw it in print I just may be able to make something of this. Thanks for listening.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[karenb]

Corrine,

You certainly have had your plate full of too many things to deal with. I have not had what you've had, but equally as much in a different vein. I guess it just takes walking through it, maybe not thinking about it too much, I just don't know. I wish I could be of help for you, but I'm just coming out of an abusive, alcholic ex-husband, loss of someone I was going to marry, finding someone so wonderful and losing him, too. It's a long hard struggle, but I sure an getting there with the help of family, friends, myself, and to me the most important thing is God. That has been my thanksgiving and that has come very hard. I hope you find the things that will help you, I really do. Hang in there, girl, you are important.

Your friend, Karen

[Corinne]

Karen,

Thanks, I know you have not had it very easy and I find your posts give me strength to go on.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[DesertBob]

Corinne,

I can relate. I had some relational ambivalence to deal with too, and that mixture of grief and relief. Different reasons than yours, but a similar emotional effect.

We tend to idolize the one we've lost for awhile. But no one is perfect and eventually we have to deal with that. And part of the grieving process, I'm convinced, is letting go of the illusion that we were going to have a perfect relationship. You know, it seems perfect at first, during the infatuation phase, and then as the "hidden ogres" in the relationship come out we convince ourselves that all is not lost and everything will be "happily ever after" just around the next corner. But death ends that hope, and it's a loss, even though the hope was never completely realistic to begin with.

I am taking this as a lesson in something that has never been my strong suit: to celebrate the good and let go of the bad. I have tended to feel that the "bad stuff" in life robs me of the pleasure of the good, turning the good into some kind of mockery that I should just forget. I am slowly training myself to think differently because I don't want to lose the memory of the good. And there was a great deal of it. If I didn't make this effort I would lose much of that over my insistence that I was somehow entitled to have substantially everything the way I wanted it.

It falls to us to conform to life, not to make life conform to us. I don't really like that very much sometimes, but it's reality. Life is what it is. And I have to quit trying to make it be something that it's not: a place where everyone I'm vulnerable to has pure motives, is undamaged, and never disappoints me.

At the end of the day, even if our love was not headed in a good direction at the time we lost it, it still taught us something and gave us some gifts and blessings. Try to hold fast to that. It's good that you remember his hugs and know that he loved you. The other junk ... well he was suffering and even if his neuroses were partly self-inflicted and self-perpetuated and even if they were hurtful to you at times it doesn't change the fact that he loved you and you had the chance to love him for awhile. Try to see him as he was created, without the barnacles that got stuck to him by life.

Take care,

--Bob

[shell]

Corinne,

As usual, Bob said so many important things so well. I am just assuming by what you've said that he disappeared and was found dead later. I hope I'm not being insensitive. I only bring this up because I think, if that's the case, that adds a whole other dimension to your grief. It's an added grief in itself, and of course when someone has alcohol and gambling problems (or addictions of any kind) that adds another layer of grief. So, yes, you have a multi-layered grief journey going on and that makes it harder still!

I know my mom had a friend who absolutely hated her husband for many years. When he died, she was relieved and not too sorry about it. She didn't shed a tear, and to make matters worse he apparently had a girlfriend who had the gall to show up at the hospital AND his funeral! A girlfriend she knew nothing about! Well, needless to say, she wasn't too broken up when he died. However, about a year after he died, she started grieveing for him. She told my mom her kids thought she was crazy, and she couldn't understand it either, but she missed him. So, it funny how even a miserable relationship is still a relationship that has affected our lives. Even if it was in a bad way, it is still a part of our history, so to speak. But as Bob so wisely pointed out, we need to remember the good and the bad, but concentrate on the good and let the bad float away.

Just feel what you feel. As time goes by, you will come to terms with it and be able to grieve for him in a healthy way and begin to heal. I'm so sorry for your losses and what you've had to go through, but it will make you stronger in the end.

Big hugs,

Shell

[AnnieO]

Hello

When I saw the post "complicated grief"..I realized I am going thru exactly that.

I had so much anger towards my dad, I held him responsible for my mom's death and then his own. I went to a therapist that only wanted me to focus on my feelings about my dad. She actually said, "its okay to hate him, in fact you should" I didnt see how this was going to help me heal. Then just last week I had a friend that asked me "if I ever thought about my dad". yes, I do...all the time. I have thought long and hard about the good and the bad things about my dad. I am now letting go of the bad and focusing on the good and by doing that I have given myself permission to love my dad and miss him.Of course there are still angry moments,but there were so many good things about him and I know he never meant for any of this to happen. And its healing for me to acknowledge my love for him and most of all my forgiveness.

[Corinne]

Bob,

Thank you so much for your reply. I think the reason all the sadness and grief are hitting me now is because I am trying to do as you have said let the bad go and remember the good. I do try to see him as he was created and without "the barnacles that got stuck to him by life." He was raised in an enviroment that was filled with alcohol and gambling and I guess he did not have much of a chance. It was knowing what he became from being raised in that environment that scared me so much when it came to our daughters and before he died I had given him a choice to straighten out or he would have to leave so that the girls would not learn his habits. That is all done now so I will go on and remember who he was inside and the love he did have for me and our daughters and the gifts and blessings that did come from our relationship and let the rest go.

Shell,

You were not being insensitive I posted my story before. John was on an all day drinking binge and he decided to walk home in 17 degree temp. through the woods without a coat, he did not make it and they found him 2 months later. Thank you for sharing the story about your Mom's friend it really does help to hear that other people have experienced these crazy twists and turns that grief throws us.

Annie,

As you know with this complicated grief it has these crazy twists and turns that we cannot in any way foresee. As for the therapist who told you that you should be mad at your dad she should see a therapist because hatred and anger is like a cancer that will eat you away from the inside out and you cannot truly heal holding on to it. I have found you acknowledge it, feel it, and then let it go because no good can come from it. Yes, there were bad things in our relationships but there were also as Bob said many gifts and blessings and these are the things we need to concentrate on to heal and grow.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne