What Mom Wants

[sandralb]

Mom was a very vivacious person. She loved to go places, be with people, and do things. Most of all, she loved to laugh. There is a plaque hanging on the porch of her home which says, "Live well, laugh often, and love much". That is excellent advice from someone who executed that plan perfectly.

I love my mom very much and I know she loves me too. I realize that the reason I feel sad is because I have such a great longing to be around her and to talk with her like I used to every day. But then, I feel guilty for being sad because I know that she does not want me to feel that way. In fact, in the eulogy that she wrote herself, she told all of her friends and family that she fully expects us to live life to the fullest every day and not be sad. Easy to say, hard to do. I guess if I put myself in her shoes and think about what I would want my friends and family to do after I'm gone, I would tell them exactly what mom did. So, with that in mind, I'm making it a goal to live my life to the fullest each day because, after all, none of us are getting out of this alive and "life is too short".

Please understand that I am not being flip about the grieving process, because I know all too well that we feel sad because we love. When the outward expressions of that love are no longer a daily part of our life, we feel loss. I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is that I'm beginning to understand how important is was to my mom that she communicate her wishes to us. One of her most adamantly expressed wishes was that we continue on with sharing our love and our laughter with one another, just as she would have done. I read a quote in a magazine ad once which said, "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage". I cut it out and pasted it into a collage with pictures of my parents. Now...there's a picture of courage, and I'm trying hard to make them proud of mine.

God Bless you all. I'm so very sorry for your losses. Be brave and make them proud of your courage.

Sandra

[drew]

My dear sandralb,

I think that is wonderful that you are living your life to the fullest! I went to dinner with a friend of my mom's the other night. She lost her teenage son (a friend of mine) a few years ago. She told me that there are two kinds of grief. One is good and one is not. The kind of grief that makes you sad and miss them is ok. That is normal and healthy. The kind of grief that takes over for long periods of time and causes deep depression is not healthy. Its comparable to picking at a scab and always making the wound worse. Instead she said we should nurture the wound, so one day instead of hemoraging, it is just a trickle of blood. I thought that was very insightful, and it gave me permission to be sad, but also to be happy. It is so easy to fall into depression, but that's not where I want to be and that surely is not where my mom would have me be.

Good luck,

Drew

Edited January 30, 2008 by drew

[Cindi]

Sandra:

How fortunate to have had a mother who set such a beautiful example for you. We had no warning the we would lose my mom or I sure she would have had some pearls of wisdon for us.

I know that she loved us completely, was often humorous and believe it or not, she was the kindest, most gentle, sweetest person I've ever known. She seldom had a harsh word for anyone.

I have a nephew who is a total metrosexual and I often teased him about that. My mom (who never asked what was a metrosexual) defended him each and every time I would say something. I love to pick on my nephew. After her death when I told him the story, even he said "but I am a metro." Bless my mom's sweet heart.

When we were kids and not settling to bed well, she would come in and give us the serious "you kids stop it and get to sleep." We would say "are you laughing?" She responded "no, I am not laughing" and again we would say "are you sure you're not laughing?" and soon enough we would have her laughing.

She remembered this well as as kids and then grandkids came along guess who would say "are you laughing?"

One of my favorite memories. I have one grandson who is a little over a year old and boy, everytime I see him I hear my mom saying "are you laughing?" I think that that is probably what she wants us to do. In time, maybe we will.

Drew..I'm glad your friend's mom came through...good news for you and my daughter will be here tomorrow...good news for me.

God Bless

[sandralb]

Drew,

I think we should all give ourselves permission to be happy and sad at the appropriate times. I'm not exactly out going to parties (in fact, I skipped holiday family gatherings this year), but I am allowing myself to focus on the sweetness of good memories of mom. It's hard to do because she suffered so much in the last few weeks of her life. Those are the memories that I believe have caused some post traumatic stress, but I'm working on focusing my attention elsewhere because she specifically told me not to feel bad when she was gone. It's a stuggle, but worth working on.

Everyone gets through the grieving process in a very unique way. As a woman of faith, I'm happy for mom now....no more suffering and I believe she is in an extraordinary place with God and all her loved ones who died in Christ. I believe that it is my faith that gives me the strength to be more at peace. I wish that for everyone here.

[sandralb]

Cindi

I've been thinking about your situation and I agree with you that your mom would have had many pearls of wisdom to share with you. I'm sure that it is much, much harder to deal with the loss of a parent when it is sudden and unexpected. I have to admit that I did most of my grieving in the year prior to my mom's death. She was diagnosed with a terminal illness and chose not to take treatments, so I knew I would lose her. It was the same way with my father.

I'm not good at giving advice, but know that someone is thinking of you and praying for you to eventually be at peace.

Sandra