Loss Hurts

[LoriW]

Hi Everyone,

I've not been around for a while, although I stopped by time to time to read some of the posts and try to relate. I'v been doing well since the sudden death of my Mom in 2005. A big source of help was this site and those who particpate. I think feeling the hurt and the loss and letting it all come out has helped me get to the place I am at today. I still miss my Mom more than I can fully express sometimes but I no longer feel like a ton of bricks have dropped on me when I have a memory or speak of her. I still get teary eyed evey now and then but more often than not her memories produce smiles. I also believe she is with me as I continue on with my life.

On a sad note, my Dad has changed into a man I nolonger know. He and my Mom were married for 44 years. He's not spoken to my brothers or myself since September 2007! He's now remarried, she's a widow herself, and he did something to my Grandma (my Mom's Mom)that was unthinkable to me. Years ago, after my Grandpa died, my Mom and her 2 sisters were put on the deed of my Grandma's home. It was done for precautionary purposes so that they could sell her home if something happened to her. Well, in the last few years my Grandma has become quite frail. She could no longer keep up with the maintenance of a large home. My Mom knew this prior to her death and both her and my Grandma talked about the possiblity of moving to an assisted living facility. At the time my Grandma mentally could not think of the idea.

Well, this past summer she decided that she did need to move. My Mom's sister who lives near to my Grandma and her husband helped to get her home ready for sale and move her to her new apartment. To my Aunt's surprise they received an offer on her home within 10 days of the sign going up. Now my Dad was to sign the deed to agree to the home sale in the place of my Mom as his name was the only name mentioned on my Mom's will. My Mom's 2 sisters would then place their signature on the new deed waiving all profits. My Dad had been told that he would neither benefit from the sale or lose. My Dad stalled and sent everything to a lawyer. Accusing my Mom's family of not being forthright with him, which was far from the truth. My Dad refused to listen to the pleas of my brothers and myself, asking him to sign so my Grandma's home sale would not be in jeopardy. He refused to heed our request. In the end the sale went through but only after much anxiety and hurt to my Mom's family....including my brothers and me. My Dad eventually signed the papers but only after he took nearly $40K in my Grandma's home equity. No one but my Dad and my Grandma received any money.

My brothers and I tried to contact our Dad for an explanation of this and he refused to speak to us. Now he just sends cold emails and accuses people of trying to deceive him. It's almost as if anyone who had anything to do with my Mom, including friends, is no longer easy to be around. Maybe we are all just too much of a painful reminder, however, I don't think he should be treating us this way. I've tried to be supportive and I feel I have been...to the point in the beginning were I put my own grief on the back burner as I worried about my Dad's well being.

I've lost my Mom to death and now I've lost my Dad to something I cannot comprehend. I had never in my life known him to behave in such a manner! I now often think that it was my Mom who made my Dad a better person. I do not know what his new wife knows, I mean I don't know what he's told her about my Grandma's house. I feel maybe they are lies...like they were owners or something. I wrote on this site last February or March about my first meeting with her and how I believe I liked her and that she was going to be good for my Dad, but with each meeting after that there were hints here and there where her attitude was different towards me. However, I feel and I know I was always polite and friendly to her.

Just prior to new years my Dad emailed me and said some really nasty things. I couldn't even fully read the remainder of the email and had to step away from the computer. My phone rang and the voice on the other side of the phone was my Mom's best friend for the last 10 years or so. She called me out of the blue to see how I was, needless to say, how I was at that time was pretty much a mess. I was crying and upset and she just listened....he's not been communicating with them either. I believe that my Mom and God knew I needed that woman's comfort at that time....that was why that phone rang.

So, now I come back here again because I have grief over a fractured relationship with my Dad. It's a different hurt because along with the longing....I am very angry. I know I can't let this anger and resentment take over and by talking about how I am feeling helps me to work through it all. My Dad thinks we've been disrespectful, disloyal and deceiving. Three things I have never been to him. I know in my heart I've done nothing wrong, but I never would have dreamed my Dad would treat his family in such a horrible way. I just need to talk this out.....people get weary of listening to this drama....but it hurts! Somehow I need to work through it all. I just ask for you prayers....you've been such a help and a guide for me after my Mom's death.

Lori

Edited January 30, 2008 by LoriW

[shell]

Lori,

I'm so sorry for the situation with your dad. Some people just seem to have to run away from grief and it sounds like that's what your dad did, maybe. Also, his new wife may be having a lot more influence over him than you think. She may seem nice, but not want him to be a part of anybody elses life but hers. I've seen this happen several times! They want that person all to themselves and don't want any "reminders" (like children or other family) of the life they had before they met. It's a mean, selfish, childish thing, but it happens. I don't know if this is the case here or not, but something for you to think about.

It's so hard to lose someone that way. They're not really gone, but might as well be and so hurtful to be accused of things you would never do. I find it so unbelievable how people react to a death. They add so much pain to an already excrutiating situation. Try to hang in there and know that you are not to blame.

Hugs,

Shell

[LoriW]

Shell,

Thanks for your kind words of understanding. I hope you are doing okay yourself. I'm sorry for the most recent loss of your Mom.

Thanks for the cyber-hug too.

Lori

[sandralb]

Lori,

I'm sorry to hear that the loss of your mom has been compounded by the relationship difficulties you are experiencing with your father. Don't give up on him. Some people have unusual ways of responding to grief. It's sounds like you still want things to be better between the two of you. Keep praying. That's the best advice I can give, but I know it works. And, keep posting. You already know that it helps get you through some difficult times. We're listening.

Sandra