15 Months Today

[teny]

15 months today and Im here alone and have the feeling that Im moving in a cloud.I just dont know how to handle my life its like Im waching a scary movie and Im not the one in real life that has to face the loss.Looking at people walking rushing down the streets I wonder do they know that within a second life can take away everything we have ? Whell When I had the security of love I did not realise either.Reading books about grief thy say that death is part of life.Life has its rythm death destroys life and the rythms of those left alive alone..Im sorry to post for those who are at the begining of their grief and have hope that it will get easier.Did any of you read my last post in odd number? Im afraid that I can not make myself understood.Thank you TENY

[WaltC]

.....Reading books about grief thy say that death is part of life.Life has its rythm death destroys life and the rythms of those left alive alone...TENY

((((TENY)))) - I understand your feelings and share some of them. Ever since my wife died in April 2005 I have felt like an "odd number". Death has destroyed the rhythm of our lives, but somehow (I don't know why) we still survive. Perhaps because our spouses want us to live on and honour their memories. When someone tells me that they are "in a cloud", I think that they are "happy", but I do understand your meaning of being lost or floating aimlessly. I hope that these feelings are temporary and that you can let the very positive aspects of your life with your husband YIANY brighten up the sky around that cloud.

I wrote in an earlier post that:

"I should be getting better, with every new tomorrow.

I shouldn't miss your lovin', I shouldn't walk in sorrow.

But lonely nights in heartache, are all I've got.

I should be getting better baby, but I'm not."

{Sorry - I am having a lot of trouble with this site lately}

Edited February 2, 2008 by WaltC

[LarrysGirl]

Hello Teny, please don't worry about us understanding what you have written. We all can understand your feelings. For me, the grief, has felt very much like yours, feeling lost and alone, afraid and drifting thru my life with no meaning. Even at two years, Teny, I still feel pretty much lost. I haven't been able to take many steps towards my life on my own. In some weird way its felt like some sort of disloyalty to Larry for me to begin to live a life without him. Even though I know he is with me, its been hard to think of how to go on. I know that I wanted answers, someone to tell me how to do this, but at the same time angry that they didn't understand what I was feeling. Its taken almost two years for me to come to terms with the fact that this is "my" grief and I have to do as best as I can on my own terms. None of this has been easy, its still hard. I feel bad sometimes on this site, that I don't offer hope of time healing, etc. or that it will feel better. I've tried to share what its felt like for me, so that maybe someone else who's new into their grief will not worry if they don't see much relief. We all have our own path while remembering the one we love so much. Trust yourself Teny, you do have the strength, you've come this far and maybe that doesn't mean much to you now but if you look back, you have survived. Try to be kind to yourself, there is no set time for this. Deborah

[suzanne]

Teny

I do understand how you feel. Much of the time I feel the same way. I think that grief speaks a universal language that all who have walked down the path understand. I was out today and overheard an elderly couple talking about someone whose husband has died. Commenting about how she seems to be doing okay. All the while thinking, I hope you never have to know but she is not okay. Like you there was time I didn't understand the enormity of this agony that I now do as do all of us here. Just hold the love you and Yiany shared here on earth close to your heart, it's still there and nothing can take it away from you. Don't give up on yourself.

Suzanne

[WendyJ]

Teny, I do know also exactly what you are talking about. Yesterday I lost it after coming out of the gift store/pharmacy. I decided to stop in for a few things on the way home from work. After I had already walked into the store I saw that everything everywhere was red, and hearts and candy etc for Valentines day. I really hadn't thought that Valentines day was going to be all that bad for me as Steve and I never made a real big deal out of it, we would sometimes get take out and maybe share a box of chocolates etc but we never needed the candy and card people to make us show our love to eachother. Well anyhow the whole time I just kept trying to ignore all the Valentine things but on the way out my eye caught site of a card that said "Happy Valentines Day to my loving Wife" and it hit me hard and I realized I will never get one of those lovely cards from Steve again. I agree Teny this is so so hard and the pain just never ends !

Love,

Wendy