Mom's Birthday

[allalone]

Dear Everyone,

This is a day I have had a great deal of difficulty with. It's Valentines day and my mom's birthday. Since last week, my emotions are getting worse and worse. You see, last year Mom went into the hospital so of course it's also like an anniversary of the time we found out mom was likely going to die.

I've always been kinda sad around Valentines day because I've never been married nor had anyone in my life around that time except for one year when I got engaged. (big mistake that one was). I feel so much more lonely than other years.

After work, I picked up my daughter and we went to my mom's grave (my parent's grave) I bought some colourful carnations - even though they will freeze) I wanted to buy something big but mom would have been mad at me for that. I always try to think what would make her happy.

My daughter hasn't been able to grieve yet. She is in a tough situation and now some of the grieving is just beginning to come out. She cried hard all the way to the cemetary and I told her it was ok. She felt guilty that she forgot about my mom's birthday, but I told her that deep down she didn't forget, she just couldn't face it. She's had a super rought week not only at work but at home. She got dressed up for the visit and then we cried together at mom's grave. My mom helped me with my daughter all the time. We both miss her terribly.

This morning I didn't want to get out of bed. i just wanted to stay home and cry. I had tears a few times at work today. There was a nice young man at work who had bought several of us chocolates (a box each) and I told him he was a very nice young man and that he really made my day as I was sad. I then thought he's going to think I'm sad because I don't have a date, so I had to qualify it. I said it's my mom's birthday today he asked how old she was but I had to say she died last July. He felt bad, I told him not to, I just miss her. I couldn't turn around to look him in the eye, but I told him I'm sorry I have a few tears, I just miss her. I told him again that he really made my day as very few people are that thoughtful.

I feel like I'm crying so much that I'll likely be hoarse tomorrow.

Emotionally at times there is a part of me that just wants to scream or wail, gnash my teeth and pull out my hair. Today is one of those days. It's stupid. I'm 45 years old and I'm crying after my mom like a child. I know what makes this so much more worse is that I'm alone and I don't go out much. My daughter has a busy career and lives on the other side of town. I hate showing myself so weak in front of her but honestly I can't help it. I know when my grandparents died my mom was extremely stoic. I remember her crying only one day but she was said for a couple of months. Here I am seven months later still in my pity party.

Anyways, I just had to write about this so I won't be climbing the walls all night.

Thank you for the special hugs Leeann.

I'm going to write in my grief book now and prolly go to bed early.

Edited February 15, 2008 by allalone

[leeann]

(((((((((((((allaone))))))))))))

Emotionally at times there is a part of me that just wants to scream or wail, gnash my teeth and pull out my hair. Today is one of those days. It's stupid. I'm 45 years old and I'm crying after my mom like a child.

Ok I'm a year older and I feel the same sometimes. I don't know what that makes us.. but I'm willing to go out on a limb here and declare that maybe it makes us normal people who were loved really well. I hope so anyway.

I feel stupid too at times and like I'm pitying myself... yet.. I know better.

I know tears are therapeutic (literally) and necessary to help heal and process the loss. I'd rather scream at the walls than other people. My teeth... I dunno about the gnashing.. I think I need another root canal done.. so I'll skip that one. And yeah.. the hair, although now white.. is kinda thick so maybe I can afford to yank a few out.

So.. I'll join ya in everything but the teeth gnashing.

What a sweet young man you work with. You didn't see any Angel wings on him by any chance, did ya? Sure sounds like he could be one. There's a thing for the old gratitude list. I'm glad he was there for you today. And glad your Mom helped you with your daughter today too.

Valentines Day is all about love... all kinds of love. And all things being considered... I think we were loved pretty good today, huh?

Wishing you sweet dreams.

Leeann

[shell]

Allalone,

I'm 54 and feel the same way, like a little girl looking for her mommy. Age has nothing to do with grief. Like Leeann said, it's just that we loved, and were loved, so much.

I think we should abolish all holidays! Valentines Day can be depressing anyway, let alone with what you had to deal with. I think you did pretty good! You were there for your daughter and got through it. If you're having some lingering depression, that's normal. We have to "recover" from events like that. So, give yourself a pat on the back and know that the day was ok, full of honest emotion.

The guy at work is a gem!

Hugs,

Shell

[drew]

Oh sweetie...

I'm so sorry that you had such a rough day. I know that some days are harder than others for me too. Today I went back to work for the first time in 2 months! I was terrified! But I did it, and I'm home now, exhausted, and I wish that I could talk to my mom. So instead, I came to this site. You all are my friends now, and I feel like everyone here relates. So remember, you are not all alone. You have us.

Drew

[Midnight]

Thanks drew

your post had me in tears...

tears of joy ---

thanks for being on the site

and everyone else