Memory Worries

[KathyG]

Though I know forgetfulness is a normal symptom of grief, I'm feeling frustrated and angry about it. I get upset when I forget important things like tasks at work or, at home, I don't remember to put the trash out on the proper day or I forget the due date for a bill. My memory was sharp before Bill died, I rarely forgot anything, and I don't like myself being such an airhead now. Not at all.

I thought lack of sleep might be contributing to my bad memory. But now I've found a cure for my insomnia and am getting plenty of rest - yet I'm still forgetful. I constantly make to-do lists, but don't always remember all the items I need to add to them.

I'm a little scared, and wonder how long these memory problems will last. They're more than an inconvenience. I'd like to not worry about this and tell myself, "It's OK. It's just the grief doing this, you're not senile." But I worry because my forgetfulness hurts my performance on the job, and sending a bill payment in late doesn't do wonders for my credit rating.

Any suggestions, o wise ones? When does it get better? What has worked for you?

[WendyJ]

Gee Kathy you are describing me to a tee ! You mean this isn't normal for us? I gave up worrying about it and I have been calling it "Some-timers disease" I don't do it all of the time ( Alzheimers)...yet...just some of the time. All kidding aside Kathy I am the same way, for me I think it is because I was so used to 2 adults doing all the remembering and the thinking and now it is just me. So now if I have too much on my mind to remember it is like my brain shuts down by time I get to work because there is no more room for information. I am curious too if we are the only ones.

Love,

Wendy

[Renee]

Kathy,

I forget things all the time. Sometimes I scare myself it gets so bad. Then I realize I was expecting too much from myself and was trying to act like "before". I lower my expectations and instead of doing three things at once I do one. I also read in a grieving book that it helps to carry around a small spiral notepad. Write down the tasks you want to get done for the day. Carry the notepad all the time and get used to writing in it. You can also buy a stack of Post-it notes and stick them around the house. I have a magnetic notepad on the refrigerator. Don't rely on your memory. We are too vulnerable to distraction right now.

I hope this helps.

[karenb]

Boy, you know, Kathy, I wish I could help you with this, but I am right there with you memory-wise. I forget things all the time, make lists and still forget. I'm retired so I don't have the job thing but I forget everything else. I put a small sign on the back door to remember my cell phone when I go out. Then I put a bigger sign, then I put a bigger sign and I still would go out without it. If anyone can help us, please do, with any suggestions on this memory thing. Hang in there, Kathy, you're not alone.

Love, Karen

[Gail_R]

Kathy I know what you mean someday's I think that if did not know my own name I may forget it also. Gail

[shell]

I'm right there with the rest of you! I have tons of notes... here, there and everywhere! Renee's suggestion about doing one thing instead of three was great. I also try to focus on whatever it is I'm doing and not get distracted. Complete that one thing, then move on to another. When I get totally swamped and overwhelmed, I try to just sit down and go "blank", for even five minutes. Sort of like meditating, I guess, but it helps me to re-group and re-think what I have to do.

I guess we can't all be senile, so we should stop worrying and just get by as best as we can!

Hugs,

Shell

[DesertBob]

Kathy,

I'm not stupid enough to ask a lady her age, especially online, but if you are under 50 or so then the odds of it being any clear cut medical problem are not that great. If you are confused and/or uncoordinated in addition to forgetful, that is more worrisome than just plain forgetful and/or distracted.

My theory is that we all develop memory "shortcuts" over the years and when something major is removed from our lives we lose those reference points that made some of the shortcuts work. Eventually we make new connections. At least that is the hope. I am much more absent-minded / forgetful than I was five years ago -- it may be partly age (I'm almost 51) but it is probably just the stress and loss of the last five years.

My Linda shared your sense of lost competence and "not liking it one bit" when her memory started to go south in her late 20's, in the early stages of her illness. It didn't help that she was high-IQ and employed in the field of computer software development. When I first met her she literally took notes on our dates -- it was the only way she was going to reliably remember what we discussed or what I told her about myself. It was a bit strange at first but I got used to it. She referred to that little notebook as her "brain". She transcribed her notes to her computer, in a database, indexed by keyword -- sort of like Google before there was Google. She put 100% of our finances into Quicken and made liberal use of recurring transactions and auto-deductions and online banking integration / reconciliation features. She adapted, and it worked.

As she deteriorated she gradually taught me her rather ingenious and elegant systems and I had almost completely mastered them by the time she died. I find that the computer constantly catches my mistakes and the cash flow projections tell me what I will need cash flow-wise in the coming months. And Linda still smiles from the picture on the wall, in that knowing way of hers. I don't dare let it slide. She would haunt me ;-)

Anyway ... maybe identifying what you forget the most and building some more elaborate organization or system around it will help you bring it into focus. For what it's worth ...

Best to you,

--Bob