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No Funeral


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I was not able to attend my fiance's funeral too. My eulogy was read by his family and they kept me updated with everything. On the day of his funeral, I went to church, offered a mass for him and lighted several candles. Every month i offered a mass for him, and everytime i feel down, I light a candle and talk to him. I feel his presence comforting me. It is still hard to believe that he is gone now. 8 months had passed, there are days that I am ok, feeling numb but there are also days that the pain is unbearable and I couldnt stop the tears from flowing. Expressing your feelings is very important, you can write a journal, talk to a friend or a counselor or you can post here and I can assure you that we will be here for you. Take it one day at a time and take good care of your health. Grieving is very exhausting, you will have different emotions and they say its like a roller coaster ride. It's a mixture of feelings -denial, anger, sadness, depression, numbness, emptiness. Allow yourself to feel all these, cry if you want to, let the tears flow. I wish that I could say to you that one day it will get better. I am also hoping it will for me. I will keep you in my prayers, please hang on.

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Dear Niece,

I think your post serves to remind us of the value of the funeral – not for the deceased, but as a source of comfort to the relatives and friends of the loved one who has died. The visitation and funeral can be an important first step in the mourner’s journey through grief, as it offers the first opportunity to mourn the loss of a special person in the presence of others who also are in mourning. In addition, visiting the funeral home, seeing the body, and attending and participating in the funeral service all help to confirm and reinforce the reality of the death. Since you weren’t able to do any of this, it may serve to explain why you're having some difficulty moving forward in your grief -- but it doesn't mean that you have to stay "stuck" there. As an alternative to the visitation and funeral that you missed, you might consider creating your own personal ritual of remembrance, as a way to honor your uncle and lend expression to your grief.

Personal Grief Rituals can be any loving activities that help you remember your uncle, and give you a sense of connectedness, healing and peace. Creating and practicing personal grief rituals can also help you release painful situations and unpleasant memories, freeing you to make your memories a positive influence in your life.

You might try writing an article, an anecdote, a story, a poem, a song, a letter, an obituary or a eulogy for your uncle. Several such examples appear on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site:

In Loving Memory of My Mother

A Tribute to My Father

A Tribute to My Sister

A Tribute to My Friend

You could buy a very special candle, decorate it and light it in honor of your uncle, or memorialize him in cyberspace by lighting a virtual candle at Light a Candle Online.

Find a book on coping with the loss of a loved one, and donate it to your local library or school. Ask the librarian to place a label inside the front cover inscribed “In memory of [your uncle’s name].”

Plant a tree, bush, shrub, garden or flower bed as a permanent growing memorial to your uncle, and mark the site with a memorial plaque, marker, bench or statue.

Write a special note, letter, poem, wish or prayer to your uncle, go outside, attach the paper to a balloon and let it go – or place it in a vessel and burn it, and watch the smoke rise heavenward.

Ask relatives, friends, co-workers and neighbors to gather their contributions, and put together a scrapbook or box of memories containing mementoes, letters and photographs of your uncle.

Visit the Memorials ~ Funerals ~ Rituals page of my Grief Healing Web site for dozens of other ideas.

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