Having A Hard Time Moving On

[Guest Gamer205]

Hello Everyone I have been away for a little while and I've been going threw a little hard time about my friend's death in 2004,

I would also like to say Hello to Everyone and hope you all are doing well.

For those that may not know my story here is the link of my story I posted right here at griefhealing

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=458

I don't know if I'm wrong in feeling the way I am but people are saying its been since May 31st 2004,You need to move on,your friend wouldn't want you to stay down all the time but I can't help it,I mean he was like my brother we did everything together and I'm starting again to miss a lot of the fun we had and I just can't get past it,

People are telling me its been long enough and that you don't have to forget him but you need to move on but I can't help myself,I miss talking to him on the phone and playing Video Games with him and woundering what he would be talking about now on all the latest events,

I love comming here and expressing the way I'm feeling,it helps me and Griefhealing means the world to me,because its a wounderful website run by very good people and I know it helps others cope with grief like it has myself.

Thanks Thats all I had to say

[Guest Gamer205]

Also I would like to share my first statement I made about my friend's death in 2004 that I posted on his obituary page,

this was the first thing I wrote after learning of his death:

From June 1st 2004,

I would like to say that Jason Arvin was a dear friend of mine.I will always miss him we were very close friends. I have known him around 10 years or maybe longer and he is going to be missed for a very very long time. Jason was the kind of person that you just could not help but like he would go out of his way many times if he thought he could help you in any way. It just does not seem right that he is gone and I will miss him and everybody that knew him will miss him I'm just so sorry and my very heart goes out to everyone involved in this sad sad thing that happened.I will say this he was my very best friend and things will never never be the same.

[MartyT]

Dear Gamer,

It’s so nice to hear from you, and I’m so pleased to know that our site means so much to you. You know, your post gives us the opportunity to acknowledge“friendgrief,” which is Harold Ivan Smith’s word for what he describes as “a significantly disenfranchised grief.” This noted expert on grief observes that the death of a friend is often considered to be a less significant experience than that of a family member. As a result, friends may feel pushed aside and left alone in their grief, as if they don’t have a legitimate right to mourn.

Unlike the relationships we have with family members, friendships are voluntary. We don’t get to choose our relatives, but we can decide who we want as friends. As you say, Gamer, this person you’ve lost was like your brother; you did everything together; you shared a common interest and had great fun playing video games together. You sought each other’s company, spent as much time together as you could, were loyal to each other, and trusted each other completely with your innermost thoughts and feelings. It’s no wonder that you miss him so much ~ and for sure you don’t ever want to forget your friend.

I wonder if you can think of some way you could memorialize your friend. Take a look at some of the examples listed in Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine’s Day, or think of some other ways you could remember him in a special way. How do you think he would want to be remembered? Maybe you can pretend that we’re sitting across from you right now ~ can you tell us a story about your friend?

[Elizabeth A.]

Oh how I hate that move on thing. I'm not sure we ever really move on. After all the death of a loved one we carry with us forever. Everything seems to be a little heavier. Your heart is heavier, etc. Yes we move though life and time, but we do that like it or not. So for the past couple of years you have been carrying those memories along with that heavier heart. As long as we remember our lost loved ones they live on as a part of ourselves. You were friends with your friend for 10 years, that's a long time, and I'm sure through your entire relationship you never thought your friendship would end. Maybe you didn't hang out everyday or maybe you did but he was a part of you all that time. An entire decade of your lifetime was dedicated to knowing him. If you live to be 100, which not everyone does, you will have had him in your life for 10% of it. That's worth something. Heck that's worth an awful lot in this often bitter and cold world.

I'm sorry people in our lives don't understand. Maybe that's because they don't live in our heads, hearts, and minds. It's not like you fell down and now you need to brush yourself off and get back up. It's more like you're a car and the loss of your friend bent the frame a little, always making you pull one way. I think "expectations in grief" are a load of phooey. That hole where your friend was, that constant source of love and support, or perhaps you call it good times and happiness, is empty. No one you will ever meet will be the same. Hence no one will ever fill up that hole. We can bury it. We can pretend it's not there. We can move forward, but as I said it's there. Rather like a sore in your mouth that you poke at with your tongue of course it still hurts.

We are human, and we grieve and we mourn. I'd assume that most days you don't have any problem getting out of bed and getting dressed. Therefore you're carrying everything just fine and no one, can tell you how to live your life, let alone how much or little to miss those we have lost from our lives.

[Guest Gamer205]

Yeah,MartyT heres a short story, and looking back very funny to me at least about him,

Jason had bought that WWE CD The Music and I had a orgional Xbox back in 2003 and on it you could copy music to the hard-drive like a computer,and I was a little knew on trying to figure out everything on my xbox so I copyed the WWE Themes on my Xbox and somehow I deleted them by mistake,so I called him and asked him if he could come back and put them on my xbox the next day and he did and somehow while copying data to a game to my xbox it deleted the WWE themes again so I called him and I could tell he was geting a little agervated with me and so he agreed to copy them again and he did and told me next time this happens I'll just leave you the WWE CDs and you can do it dayley! loughing at me,

That was just how his sense of humor was,He would go out of his way to help you if he could,

but anyway that was him.

Elizabeth A. your so right people just don't understand about grief I don't think its not a timetable that you can just get over,everyone is diffrent and with some people it just takes time but unless there in your shoes they don't know how your really feeling!

it does get on my nerves when people tell you to move on!

That was well said Elizabeth A.You got it right on what you said,

[Elizabeth A.]

I hope I helped. If I was my sister (who loves me dearly), I would haul you off to the movies, dinner, anything to bring a smile and "make it better". But I'm not her, I'm me, and I know that while those things are nice, it's also nice not to HAVE to do anything. Not to have to smile, or joke, or even act like my same old self. Because I'm not my same old self. This is a new version of me. The me that carries all of my losses, and all of my hurts. Just like you carry them. Sometimes we need to hear that it's okay to have a quiet day. To pause when something great happens and think wow, I'd love it if my friend could seem me. Be at peace and know, your friend does see and does know. The bad times as well as the good.

[Guest Gamer205]

Thanks for your reply, and your right,We are all who we are and handle things diffrent then the way other people would like us to,Sometimes its like other people just don't understand and sometimes it seems they don't want to,

[shell]

Gamer205,

I agree with Elizabeth about the moving on thing. Just ridiculous words. I'm so sorry for your loss. We survive, but we never are the same and we have to get used to a new life. I get angry at how people "rate" deaths. The death of a child is worse than a parent and a parent is worse than a friend, etc. It doesn't matter...when you lose anyone you care about it is a traumatic experience. I get the same thing with my animals, who I love more than most people. They are my babies, but people don't understand and think, "it's just an animal". So, I have found that I tell very people when I lose one of my babies...I don't want to hear their insincere "that's too bad", like I'm telling them I stubbed my toe! Sometimes we just have to grieve by ourselves and ignore the rest of the world. I'm sure your friend is "with you".

Hugs,

Shell

[Guest Gamer205]

Your so right Shell,I agree 100% with you,And Thanks for your reply,its just hard sometimes