Hi.

[Shook Won]

How is everyone? I guess this is my little introduction thread to tell you all about myself. My name is Gary Fraley, I am 18 and currently employed at a Grocery Store. The reason I am here is because I just can't seem to get over the untimely death of my father. I was 10 when it happened, I remember the day like it was yesterday. The last thing I said to him was "I hope you die!" Man do I feel bad about that. Its not a problem that gets me all the time just usually when I'm alone. I guess its just one of those things that I can't get over, I hide it all the time, I feel as if I show my feelings that it makes me feel less of myself. It just feels so hard to grow up without a dad, I always think it wasn't supposed to be this way. I just wish I could go back and say something different before he left. Let him know how I feel. I feel as if it is my fault, like if I would have said something different this might not have happened.

Sorry about the large block of text.

[shell]

Hi Gary,

Welcome to the board! I'm sorry for the loss of your dad and the guilt you are feeling over it. Believe me, we all have things we regret and wish we hadn't said or done, but in this life it is perfectly normal to lash out when we are upset, angry or hurt. You just can't blame yourself for his death because of what you said. If life were only that simple...we could keep everyone alive by never saying anything bad! Please, please, let go of your guilt and realize that your dad knows you didn't mean it. I am so sad for you that you lost your dad at such an early age, it does seem unfair, huh? But you are still here and have to make the best of the rest of your life and that's the way your dad would want it. Talk to your dad now and tell him how sorry you are and all your feelings. A lot of us believe they are still with us and watch over us and can hear us, so try it. I talk to all the people I have lost all the time and it makes me feel better just to get my feelings out. I'm hoping it's true they can hear us, but if not, you have nothing to lose and it helps to verbalize your feelings. I'm absolutely sure your dad has forgiven you, so please forgive yourself.

A big hug to you,

Shell

Edited March 18, 2008 by shell

[Guest Gamer205]

This is my cusin,Hi Gary I'm glad you decided to take my advice and come here to griefhealing,You know I feel sorry for the loss of your Dad but you need to try and understand its NOT your fault on what happened and your Dad knows you loved him,you need to know that,I miss your Dad to Gary but it wasen't your fault,Your Dad knowed you loved him and he loved you and we both know that, I can understand you feeling that way,but He knew you loved him.

Like a lot of Kids do they say stuff to there parents when there upset like when You told him that, he didn't pay any attention to that he knew you was just mad so don't let that get to you,He knew you loved him.

Your going to love the people here they have helped me so much since I joined here back in Febuary 2005,

See ya around

Gamer205-Robert Fraley

[MartyT]

Dear Gary,

I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your father when you were only 10 years old, and I'm sorry, too, to think that you are carrying such a heavy load of guilt on your young shoulders. I won't try to talk you out of such guilt, because I know that such a feeling can be quite irrational and unjustified, but it's still there, and sometimes we simply cannot help what we feel. Please do keep in mind, however, that just because you FEEL guilty, it does not mean that you ARE guilty of the crime you're accusing yourself of. Clearly you were just a boy when you made this remark to your dad ~ and I doubt if there is a person among us who hasn't said something nasty to one of our parents when we were kids. Your cousin is right: surely your dad knew you loved him, and like any parent he would be willing to forgive you. What is harder is for you to find some way to forgive yourself. You might consider writing your dad a letter of apology ~ as a way of expressing all you need to say to him. Then you could take the letter to a very private place (maybe outdoors, to a special place that reminds you of your dad, or that you used to go to together). Set a match to the letter, let it burn to ashes, and let your guilt go up in smoke along with the letter. Or you might try doing something for someone in need, both in honor of your dad and as a way to make amends.

I want to point you to two earlier posts in the Loss of a Parent forum that discuss dealing with the death of a parent at an early age. Although in these two cases the parent who died was a mother rather than a father, I think the content of the messages may be of particular interest to you:

Can't Sleep, posted on Feb. 14, 2006

Gone and Forgotten, posted on May 9, 2005

Wishing you peace and healing,

MartyT

[Guest Gamer205]

Hi MartyT,How you doing?

My Cusin Gary Has been there for me and I've tried to be there for him,After my best friend's death Jason in 2004,Me And Gary are almost like brothers We do a lot together playing video games and talking on the phone and visitng each other and stuff,Were almost brothers rather then cusin's

I'm glad he took my advice and decided to come here,

Anyway just wanted to say hi.

Gamer205-Robert Fraley

[MartyT]

Robert, dear ~ I'm so glad that you and Gary have each other, and pleased as well that you've brought your cousin into our family

[Guest Gamer205]

Thanks MartyT,

I made a tribute to my friend Jason Today in the area of Honoring the Dead,

You Said the other day I should find someway of maybe doing a tribute and tell how I think he would want to be remebered,

I feel much better now that I have done that and I think he would be proud at what I had to say,

Anyway God Bless and keep up the good work MartyT,You do so much good here and help so many.

I just want to say Thank You.

Gamer205-Robert Fraley