It Feels Real Now...dad Is Gone

[JoyL]

is that normal. i feel as though he is now really gone. i can't sleep at night and i keep reliving the last week of his life and wonder what i could have or should have done differently. i miss him so much i can't stand the thoughts. is this normal?

[leeann]

Sure I would think it is Joy.

In the early days I found I was almost numb and then kind of in shock and simultaneously extremely busy with loads of details and estate stuff to take care of. Sadness was there of course... but the intensity of it seemed to wax and wane... kind of erractically depending on what else was going on etc.

It took my breath away sometimes... and I was shocked by the intensity. But it kept on happening.. feel not so terrible for a while and then feel absolutely awful.. like in cycles almost; but seemingly without rhyme or reason. Eventually I saw.. this is just how it goes.

I found that I should learn to just expect 'hills and valleys'.

It's painful and I found that pain can increase and subltly decrease and then increase again and so forth.

So you might find that you may feel this way for a bit and then feel a bit better and then a couple of bad days may come along again and then a couple good ones.

I wouldn't worry about it. I find I shouldn't worry about "how" I grieve.. I feel better without trying to judge my grief or compare it to others' grief.

Hope you are feeling a bit better soon.

leeann

[MariahC]

is that normal. i feel as though he is now really gone. i can't sleep at night and i keep reliving the last week of his life and wonder what i could have or should have done differently. i miss him so much i can't stand the thoughts. is this normal?

JoyL, what you've described sounds very familiar indeed. Pretty much all of the things you've described above I am also experiencing.

Leeann has it spot on when she said:

"feel not so terrible for a while and then feel absolutely awful.. like in cycles almost; but seemingly without rhyme or reason".

This is very true. There will be times when you'll be feeling better and then all of a sudden you find yourself feeling awful. You'll find your emotions going from one extreme to the other and vice versa, it is all so exhausting.

Joy, what you've described about wondering what you could or should have done differently is normal. I've found that these feelings come up a lot on this site. I think we all feel that to some extent. I'm a little different in that I have no problems sleeping at night - I just have difficulty getting up in the morning.

Take it easy on yourself and don't expect too much from yourself at this time.

Take care.

[JoyL]

thank you for your replies they help me a lot. knowing that i am going through the grieving in a 'normal' way helps. i am now working and still taking care of my 9 month old and my hubby and my mother. it's hard but being busy helps the days pass. i wake often at night, and usually at about 4am i am up for the day. i am running on fumes...my body aches and i look like i have aged 10yrs...but i don't really care. i know in a year from now this pain will be a little easier to handle (unless other things slam me down again), and i look forward to feeling less horrible - will i ever feel happy again?

this place really helps

thanks everyone.

joy

[shauna marie]

My heart goes out to you, Joy.

Will you feel happiness again? In a word, YES. It's a lot to expect of someone who is so new in the grieving process, so what you are feeling is "normal".

I had a few medical problems after my mom died. One, I was up by 8 am every single day, if not earlier, no matter what time I went to bed. This kept up for several months. Another was that I was constipated for about six months. I was pretty much dependent on stool softeners and laxatives. And during holidays and stressful times, I still tend to get that way. The last was that I had was like a yeast infection, only nothing would kill it. That lasted in total about five months. That had actually started about two months before she died and kept up for another three.

Yes, the "what if's" are normal. So are the "I should have's" and "why didn't I's". That, too, passes in time. I think we all want to feel as if we had control over the situation, but in reality we didn't. For the most part, we are dealing with adults who were capable of getting their own treatment; perhaps they did not. Or perhaps there was something different that could have been done that would have proved a different outcome. It's a dangerous road to walk down because no matter what, you end up with the same outcome. And your mom needs you more than anything right now, as well as your nine-month-old.

Take care,

Shauna

[jc1030]

Joy,

What you're going through is normal. My father's been gone now for more than a year and a half, and I still have my moments where I'm thinking the same thoughts as you. Eventually you will learn to move forward, although that varies with each individual. So take it easy on yourself as you've just started your journey, and best of luck.

Jeff