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My Mom Has Been Gone 1 Mo

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My Mom died the end of March. She had been sick for several years. I had helped my Dad take care of her and I just never really thought that she would die. Now I miss her so much and wish I had told her what she really meant to me before she passed away. I dont know what to do with my time anymore and I have this big hole in my heart that I'm not sure will ever heal.

Edited by Marny45
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Welcome.. Glad you found us.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your Mom. Sounds like you had been helping your Dad take care of her for quite awhile. And I know what you mean when you say "I never thought it would happen."

With one of my significant losses, I knew he was eventually going to pass away.. but I was so wrapped up in helping him.. I was just living day by day ... minute by minute. And when he eventually passed I was almost stunned. I know that sounds nuts but.. that's what I felt.

The demands of caring for one so ill can be extraordinary and I think we forget that. So when the time comes... we are almost sitting there thinking "What? I'm not ready! Not yet!"

As far as wishing you had told her what she really meant to you..

Ya know, it helps me to talk to my loved ones that have passed. And I believe they hear me. Their bodies may die but I believe Love never does.

So it might help you if you talk to her now or write her a letter.. etc.

What to do with your time... I bet you haven't had much time for yourself in a long time. How about pampering you a bit with your spare time. I try to take more time for myself now. I'm trying to heal from my loss and I need to just take short breaks for a walk.. listen to some music.. watch a movie.. read a book etc. Nothing fancy.. but it is almost like my soul is kinda tired.. so I look for ways to re-juice it.

If you have been neglectful of yourself due to the demands of caring for Mom (and Dad)... you may be out of practice of doing something just for you. But you might find that focusing a bit on doing some things to soothe your soul helps you.

The big hole in the heart.. yup I hear ya on that one.

Here's my theory on those:

I was loved really well and I loved really well in return.

Then one day one they passed and took some of my heart with them, leaving me with a hole in my heart.

In time.. that hole forms a scab... and from time to time that scab breaks open here & there and bleeds some more. And... it hurts.

But in some more time... that scab heals up and begins to shrink.

Eventually I'm left with a scar on my heart.

But I got that scar from loving and being loved and I earned every inch of it. And in the end... I'm blessed to have it. So I carry it feeling blessed and knowing that it means something sad yes, but it also means I was given the gift of that person in my life. And I'm grateful.

So the hole heals... but leaves a scar.

Please know these are early days for you yet. It hasn't been that long. So please be patient with yourself. I have learned grief takes some serious time and.. that's ok.

Do come on back here and keep us posted on how you are faring.

I have found the folks here to be really caring and very helpful.


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Hi Marny,

I'm sorry about the loss of your mother. I can tell you that parents know, that we, their children, love them so very much. You have to remember that you were there for her, helping to take care of her. While you were doing all of this your mother would have known that she means the world to you - you were there for her. Remember words are just that words, our actions - spending time caring for a loved one and being there for them mean so much more. What isn't expressed verbally is expressed in so many other more meaningful ways.

"I just never really thought that she would die"

When we are caring for a loved one on a daily basis we do get really caught up with the caring, so we don't really give ourselves time to think about them passing. When they do pass it can still come as a tremendous shock.

"I dont know what to do with my time anymore"

This I can definitely identify with. My dad passed 8 weeks ago now and still I don't know what to do with myself most of the time. He was an in-patient in hospital and every day I'd go straight from work to visit him arriving home between 8-9pm. Now, it feels really odd going straight home.

"I have this big hole in my heart that I'm not sure will ever heal".

Yes, another feeling most of us on this forum can identify with. It feels like their's a massive void that can never be filled. It's normal to feel this way.

Do make sure that you do take some time for yourself. I know it can be difficult to pick up a book, listen to music etc. and you may not have the motivation to do these things, but it's important to have some "me" time.

Do let us know how you're getting on. The people here are very caring and understand.

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I am so sorry about your mom.

My mom died Dec.06 after being sick for almost 2 years. I felt the same way you did when she died. I had helped take care of her for so long, I just wasnt prepared.

I agree with the things Leann and Mariah said in their posts, take care of yourself right now. Keep coming here and posting, it has helped me thru some horrible days. You are in my thoughts.

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I had my first grief counseling session today at home. I think I kept saying the same things over and over. Next week 5/8 is my Mom's birthday and then next sunday is Mother's Day. Next week will be a very bad week for me. I told my counselor today that I had got onto this site and I really appreciate all of your responses. I am going to plan a birthday party for my Mom next week. I think she would really like it. I know I dont make much sense right now there is so much I want to say but dont quite know where to begin. I guess it will come with time

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