Such A Hard Day Today

[DebFromLodi]

I have really had a hard time again lately. It has only been 3 months since i lost my mom and today is especially hard for me. i feel so empty and lonely inside. i don't want to bother my family with this, they are going through their own hell today. i keep looking for a sign from her but there is nothing there. just emptiness all around me. cold and dark. then i wonder again what happens when you die. do you go straight to Heaven or do you "sleep" till Christ comes and raised the dead? i believe that if my mom is in Heaven right now, she would definately send me a sign of sorts because she could see how much i am missing her. but there are no signs for me, not now not ever and i am so sad. so i am guessing she is just sleeping right now. i really need help to get through this day without my mom.. my first Mother's Day without my mom. I love you so much Mom. Please give me a sign today, please.

[leeann]

((((Deb))))

I usually get those "signs" precisely when I'm not looking for them.

My beliefs are a bit different than yours. I believe they are in a heaven of sorts.. whatever you want to call it.. I believe it is better than here.

Hard day for sure... but better ones are coming.

leeann

[shauna marie]

Deb,

I know from your other post that you have gotten a sign.

In case I didn't tell you, you have to look all around you for signs. I'd say at least half of my "signs" are not really signs, but rather things that I've just converted into signs. What I mean by this is that say I'm low on cash and I win $100, that may not be my mom's doing, but I've chosen to believe it is.

First Mother's Day is a rough one. I remember my first one only too well. I was completely blitzed on some meds and I'd cut my arm to heck. I cut at times that were really stressful and that certainly fit the bill. Haven't done it since and won't do it again. This year, I just slept the three days away.

Leeann is right, there are smoother days ahead. First year is a really rough one. The way that I looked at it is that she was my mom for 27 years, the least I could do was mourn her for the first year anyway. Ended up being over 2 years, but that's ok.

Take care of you,

Shauna

[STARKISS]

Hi DebFromLodi,

I can remember a little bit about my first Mother's day without my mom... I sat on the front porch with her suitcase and thought I was ready to unpack it but did not make it through half of it before shutting it and starting to cry ever so much... As I just went through the third Mother's day I did with the same sadness only because I chose to return to the place she died just before Mother's day three years ago.... The second Mother's day went a lot better so if I had not returned I imagine that this past Mother's day would have been a little brighter still.... It will get better and even though our mothers are gone they will live forever in our hearts Take care Shelley

[leeann]

The second Mother's day went a lot better so if I had not returned I imagine that this past Mother's day would have been a little brighter still....

Not totally sure that is true Shelley. I still think on some level you needed to go back there and .. you bravely did. Was it "fun"?.. Probably not really. But what was the purpose of the trip? From what you have posted.. I don't think "fun" was your top priority.

However, I think you have accomplished something good for you by going there.

Negative thinking leads to more negative thinking and feelings.

Positive thinking leads to more positive thinking and feelings.

It our choice to think positively.

I hope you can see the positives about your trip soon.

Also.. I have had some years after a signifcant loss that have hit me harder than others. The amount of pain I felt at say year three afterwards sometimes was harder than year 2.. Or year 7 turned out to hurt differently than the previous three holidays. Just depends.. for me at least anyway.

I have learned not to be surprised by the depth of my feelings "x" number of years after a loss. I try not to expect to be "over it" in any specific time frame because I think that is an unrealistic expectation for me to have for myself.

My feelings are what they are... whatever year it is.

And they are "ok". I have learned not to judge myself or set unrealistic expectations for myself.

leeann

[STARKISS]

Hi Leeann,

The trip went bad, but not just because I thought it would it was because of the things that happen for me... Like my chain breaking, missing the flight, being upset with my sister.... and many other things.... Take care shelley

[leeann]

Well those type of things happen sometimes to everyone.

It is all how we choose to think about those things, isn't it?

leeann

[STARKISS]

Hi Leeann,

I do try to think positive but after so many negatives during one trip it is very, very hard to think positive... I am usually a upbeat person but lately it has been a little harder... Take care Shelley

[leeann]

Oh No Shelley I think you must have misunderstood what I was trying to say. Let me try again. "Think positive" is not quite what I meant.

Sure some negative things happened on your trip. And yes that does indeed happen to everyone once in awhile.

But what I was trying to say is.. I think some positive things happened also, yes? Like the Eiffel Tower and the show you attended. Focusing on those positives is what I meant.

Picking those particular things out and holding them up in your mind's eye & your heart is choosing to think positively. Focusing only on the problems of the trip or life in general is choosing to think negatively.

You see what I mean now?

And Deb about those signs you want from your Mom. I don't know.. it is a hard thing to describe these things with just words over the internet.. but I'll give it another shot.

When I say I wasn't looking for them.. I literally wasn't. However... as soon as I saw them or realized something may be more than a coincidence, I paid attention to my thoughts and feelings. Where/who did my thoughts/feelings immediately go to? This happening had to do with what?? What or Who did it remind me of?

And sometimes I realized my thoughts would go to my Mom or my Dad or other loved ones that had passed. I would just think.. 'Oh, that was Dad.' Or Mom etc. They must be with me.

Other times they didn't go to anyone. But I had the thought.. "I should remember this." And I would. And perhaps a few days later I would be speaking to someone and I would recall something about that happening and then realize.. 'Oh.. THAT is what that happening was about.' Usually it would be something helpful or a warning of sorts.

I know I must have sounded confusing when I said.. 'I wasn't looking for the signs' and then I said 'pay attention'. So I hope you know now I meant don't look for the signs necessarily... but pay attention to your thoughts and use your intuition. Trust them. Signs can be very subtle I find.

Nothing like the huge billboards in neon that I know I would like.. but they are there if we feel our feelings and trust them.

Wherever our loved ones go after they pass.. I truly believe that their love doesn't die. That goes on forever and I believe they can love us from wherever they are... always.

Hope this helps.

leeann

[STARKISS]

Hi Leeann,

I have always had a problem with thinking positively or seeing the positive things when something negative happens... I just want to add that I might have had lots of time by myself in Las Vegas but with this time I did manage to go up the Eifel tower and go on a gondolier ride which in a group would have been a little hard so I guess there was something good that happened after all... Shelley