Avoidance & Procrastination

[foxslady]

It was 2 years already on May 1st since I lost Gene; 30 years together the days before. Feels like only yesterday. I've lost all time perspective. We always worked together, had a business together, our lives were so intertwined. We totally trusted each other to take care of the other, never letting either get hurt when we worked. Often the work was hard and dangerous, but I never felt unsafe, knowing he'd not let me fall nor I him.

Now I have unreasonable fear of most everything. I've let the business drag and although I need the income and have so much inventory, I do everything to avoid it. I freeze when I talk to customers on the phone. I know in my head that I have to do something about it but I hover around it. I can't seem to do what has to be done. Things are sitting like the last hour he was here. I've been exhausting myself doing repairs still from the storms 2004-5. I bounce from project to project, have many gouges arms from doing the construction work and the pain in my back & hands is constant. It's like that pain is ok but I can't face anything from our life together. I seem to be driving myself to keep going. but I procrastinate.

I was wondering if counseling would help, but am afraid of it also. I take anti-depressants and anxiety meds which makes the days bearable for the most part. Today I'm doing what I always do and stalling on what I have to do. Would rather die than face it. Haven't opened some mail for the last 2 years. My family is supportive, but I'm still hiding-out.

Does this ever get better? Will I ever be able to face my past life and deal with it and do what needs doing for my survival? Or do I not want to survive. I can't find the answers. Are their any?

Sadly,

Foxslady

[kayc]

foxslady,

It can't hurt to try counseling and it might be of invaluable benefit. Procrastination is normal when you're grieving, so is feeling overwhelmed, depressed. You do need to provide for yourself and if you have a business there are certain things that do need to be taken care of. You could let go of the business and do something else, but you'd still have to ultimately face getting up and going to work every day, so I'm not sure if that would make any real change for you or not.

Is there a reason you are avoiding the business related things, is it because the two of you did it together? If so, maybe a change would be of help. At any rate, I think a counselor would help you to explore it so you could better make a decision that's right for you.