Frustrated Anger

[DoubleJo]

Well, I am probably going to regret coming here to vent this, because when I finally think I have a receptive ear I get cut off in the middle of speaking. That can't be done here since I'm writing, but who knows how it can be done. Here it goes;

I listen. I listen to widowed friends and married friends tellimg me how, in great detail, they ate their egg that morning instead of their usual toast. How they mowed their lawn, missed their husbands, had a cold, how their throat was still sore. I listen and console them. Then, foolishly I think it might be my turn to finally speak up when they ask how I am, or when we're in the middle of a conversation where I respond to them about themselves. Foolishly I started talking at the end of a meal after listening to a friend repeat herself. I offered how I felt. I thought, foolishly, that I might be able to let go and actually talk for once with her listening. And she did. For about 5 minutes, then her"back hurt." She had to stand up. End of my turn.

I am the ever hopeful fool who listens and listens, offers sympathy, advice, all welcomed eagerly. But do I ever get my turn? Either not at all or for a teasing amount of time that lulls me into thinking this is it. I can finally open up about something . Then I get shut off. I am left angry and frustrated, like sex left unfinished.

And so I keep all this anger inside me. I am home, feeding my dogs. The birds are glad to see me and the plants outside are blooming. But I have enough frustration just dealing with being without any family left as it is.

I don't like being teased and feeling like a fool.

I will go back to listening, offering help and I will shut off all my feelings again. But I seeth with angry frustration right now, again. Stupid, stupid me, for thinking I could actually be heard. I have no where to let out my anger. I am disgusted.

DoubleJo

[karenb]

Hi Doublejo,

Well, I've been a listener, sympathizer, etc. just like you for the last almost three years. My daughter listens to me carefully, my daughter-in-law does and a few friends do. I don't even try with anyone else...just now and then. But a year ago I became part of a church and a ladies' Bible study group (more of a support group) who listen beautifully. I am very lucky. I don't confide very easily and it's taken me a while to do so, but, again, I am very lucky. I guess we just have to pick the ones we want to talk to about this "thing" we go through. I don't know for sure, but that seems to be the case. I'm sorry you're going through this...I know it can't be much fun. Maybe you can let out your anger with something you'd feel good about. Maybe that's a try. Don't let these people get you down. You have enough to deal with anyway. Do your best, friend. I'm sure you always do.

Your friend, Karen

[DoubleJo]

Karen: That's whats so frustrating and hurts me this time. I thought because she shared so much with me, calls me when she's down, etc, she would be more receptive to listening to me, as a fellow widow. I tried my house of worship and struck out. Everyone was real nice and concerned the first time I met them, but they never thought to call or say hello to me on my returns. It just wasn't the way they were taught to act. As you say, its' the luck of the draw.

I don't expect that special close bond we had with our mates, but just some honest recipracation would be nice.

I don't have children and my family died along with my husbands over the past few years. So I guess the dog is it for now.

Ah well- my anger has turned into tears, maybe thats' a good thing. Its' a release of some sort. Thanks Karen.

[DesertBob]

DoubleJo,

Your friend doesn't have your capacity for caring and empathy. She responded in kind, but in much smaller quantity. Pathetic and unsatisfactory as it was, it was the best she was capable of.

It's strange. The out of state contractor who is staying here with me for a few days doing some work for me turns out to be a terrific listener. He's even genuinely interested.

I've given up trying to judge people's abilities in this area. Don't feel like a fool. I'm not sure we should expect ourselves to correctly judge other people's capacity for love and caring when they are such experts at putting masks on for the express purpose of fooling themselves and everyone else about their true selves.

It would however be legitimate for you to spend less time with her, making more time available for others, so that you will eventually stumble upon someone worthy of your time.

--Bob

[DoubleJo]

Bob:

I know what you say about the contractor. I had a man who made deliveries to me. He was a "stranger" yet we talked about his health and family and he would give me a big warm hug each time I saw him. He always asked about whatever we talked about previously. I have found over the years that the situation of being "strangers" frees up people to really be themselves and fully relate.

I don't see this woman that often. Maybe 2 or 3 times a month.

You're right about masks. As much as I know how people guard themselves, the idea of how well they conceal themselves did not fully enter my mind.

It is hard for me to be cynical yet cynical is actually more in line with realty. Ever hopeful I like to think I'm being too hard on people and that they are actually more giving than they are. Having met very caring, kind people who kept me going thru life instilled in me such possibilites. Such stuff as dreams are made...

[KathyG]

DoubleJo,

If you've read my thread about lack of support from family members, you know I share your frustration with people who don't support us in grief when we expect them to, and who tune out when we desperately need a listener.

If my husband's death has taught me anything, it's that you can't take anyone or anything at face value. Some people are just bad news, period. Others are such good role players (the "mask" thing Bob mentions) that it's hard to tell if they're really kind and caring, or they're clueless or insensitive jerks.

Sometimes, we see that really good people don't listen or respond to us because they don't know what to say or do or death makes them uncomfortable. But I've also found that some sensitive people who are naturally kind and sympathetic hesitate to help, or offer limited or lukewarm responses, because in the past, being emotionally open with someone else left them exposed and badly hurt. And they're afraid to risk being hurt again.

Bottom line, there are all kinds of reasons people don't stand up for those in mourning. Some reasons are move valid than others.

[DoubleJo]

KathyG

I did read your post and had many experiences with so called families, etc. It was this particular instance that disturbed me, because this particular woman is a widow who has relied on me for support and advice. It was when I expressed sad feelings of my own during the course of our conversation she clammed up. Perhaps it was scary for her to think I also had feelings, since I was helping her out. I don't know. Perhaps it became too much for her. However, considering all the empathy and patience I showed her, her behaviour was unexpected and touched a nerve.

Thanks for your input.

[leeann]

DoubleJ

I agree with much of what has been stated already. But I just wanted to tell you I think it is perfectly understandable that her behavior touched a nerve for you. I'm sorry she couldn't 'be there' for you as you were for her.

But...Keep your eyes peeled.. like I said in Kathy's thread...sometimes help comes from unexpected places.

leeann

[DoubleJo]

Friends:

I had to write to you this follow up.

Tonight I went with this friend and another widowed friend to bereavement support group. Returning home she said to me, discussing our mutual friend:

"I talk with you more than anyone else. I talk with--(our friend), but she always turns the conversation back to herself. I feel frustrated when I open up to her and don't get the time to elaborate on what I'm saying. You always listen to me, even when I go on and on. I don't feel comfortable opening up to people, and other people have their own problems."

Did this stop my feeling of frustration? No. But people give what they can give and when they can give it.

DoubleJo

Edited June 5, 2008 by DoubleJo