I Lost My Eldest Daughter

[Golda]

The last time I saw my daughter alive and well was the afternoon of 22nd April 2008, she came for a visit with her husband hobbling on her crutches, she had torn the ligaments in her ankle about three weeks prior, when I kissed and hugged her that afternoon I had no idea what lay ahead. At about 2.30am Wednesday the 23rd April we were woken by the Police to inform us our daughter had suffered a coronary arrest. On that date I hadn't spoken to my third born daughter Tanya for over 2 1/2 years so my first question to the Police was "which daughter". When my husband rang the hospital we discovered it was our eldest daughter Rebbecca (Becky)- 30 years old. We arrived at the hospital just after 3am to find her on life support and in an induced coma, which they told us she would stay in for the next 24 to 48 hours. The nursing staff told us her heart had stopped for about 4 to 5 minutes, which for this amount of time was not fatal. We got home around 6am and tried to get a couple of hours rest, my husband had to go to work (he thought and felt positive she'd be fine). When I rang the emergency department at around 10am they put me through to ICU and upon speaking to one of the nursing staff she told me Beck's heart had stopped from 40 to 50 minutes, and she had blood clots on the lungs and they were administering anti coagulants. We got into hospital around 12.30pm to find they were already trying to bring her out of her coma, to which she wasn't responding too well. As we hadn't had anything to eat my second daughter Angela and I, popped out for around half an hour, Beck's husband also left to go home for a while. When we arrived back at the hospital my third born Tanya, her husband, my eldest sister and her daughter (my niece) had turned up. Upon entering ICU we were told Beck had fluid on the brain and things didn't look good. Later on that afternoon the doctors wanted to see Beck's husband Mark and ourselves to tell us that by the end of the night Beck was going to die, they said there was no hope. Hour after hour went by with nothing but despair, sorrow and dread, words cannot describe how I felt. When my husband and my youngest daughter arrived at the hospital - there was so much sadness (my husband kept saying while she's alive there's still hope). We had only been home about 1/4 of an hour when the hospital rang and told us she was becoming unstable, her blood pressure was dropping. We all raced back to the hospital, we watched in dread and despair and watched her blood pressure falling, we stayed with her begging her to hold on, holding her hand and crying, crying and crying. We gave permission for her organs to be used. Our Beck was pronounced dead at 12.40am on the 24/4/08 the day after her Grandmother's birthday. That hole night was like a nightmare, too unbelievable to comprehend that this was/has all happened. My child, my flesh & blood was gone. Our lives have changed so much, this world seems so empty without her. I miss her so much and haven't stopped crying a day since she's been gone. I hate that this has happened and I wake every morning wishing it to be a nightmare - only to find another day without her. Even though I have my wonderful supportive husband and three other beautiful daughters - one of whom has come back into our lives (including 2 grandsons) through this terrible tragedy, I find it so terribly hard to cope. I hate waking to a new day. When she complained about the pain in her ankle, was that neglect of the doctor? The ambulance she was picked up in had to wait for another one to arrive so they could administer adrenalin which started up her heart, but too late. Is this their fault, could this have been prevented? I ask myself these questions everyday, did the hospital make a mistake? I have trouble sleeping, I've lost weight and my heart has so much pain - if feels like physical pain but it's not. I hate this life without my daughter, I miss her so much and you don't realise how much you love someone until they're gone.

[WendyJ]

Golda I am so so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I have not lost a daughter but lost my dear husband last year but I noticed that nobody has replied to you and I am sorry for that. I lost my husband very unexpectedly also to a blood clot that went to his heart that we did not know he had. He was fine one minute and gone the next. Please except my condolences and I will remember you, your family and your precious daughter in my prayers.

Love,

Wendy

[leeann]

Oh Golda (((((Hugs)))) for you. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your lovely Beck.

How terribly sudden and awful this must have been for you all. I can't even imagine a loss like this.

My losses are different from yours but there are some common things that we all experience with grief itself.

The feeling of not being able to cope is common among us all in the early days unfortunately. (And yes it is still early days for you.)

We all feel that searing pain of emptiness as well. And I agree the pain does in fact feel physical at times. Like a constant throb in the chest.

And yes... somedays.. it certainly isvery hard to put feet on the floor and keep going.

I can tell you that the intensity of these feelings will pass. But a loss especially an unexpected one like yours hurts like the dickens for awhile.

And the tears and things you are experiencing... are kinda "normal". So know for sure you have plenty of company here.

About the questions you have surrounding her passing.. Is there anyway you could talk to your own Doctor about it? I mean he/she may have some ideas to explain what happened and some answers that may help you. And also the Doc may be able to help you with your own sleep issues etc. Going on a medication for a short time may make a big difference in how you feel. And getting some more sleep may increase your appetite some too. Many of us have had to use medication for awhile to help us.

I would definitely give your Doctor a call. They are a great resource for us at times like these.

Please know that you have my prayers and my sympathy.

I'm very glad you found us here but so very sorry you had to.

And keep us posted on how you are doing.

leeann

[tina116]

So sorry Golda. Becky sounds special. It is a terrible thing to go through. I hope you follow the good advice you will glean here. Thinking of you

[Golda]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and wishes. I will take your advice and see my doctor about not sleeping.

[WendyJ]

Golda I was just wondering how you are doing today and if you called your doctor at all. I have been on Effexor for years but immediately when my husband passed since I could not sleep nor could I be calmed down my doctor prescribed Zanax for me to take when necessary. It worked wonders and would make me relax enough to sleep. It might be worth asking and I have been thinking of you and wanted to send a big ((((HUG )))) your way.

Love,

Wendy