Loss Of Mother-march 2008

[SinatraPack79]

Thank you!

Edited August 19, 2008 by SinatraPack79

[leeann]

(((((Hugs))))) for you hon. I'm so sorry you lost Mom that way and so suddenly. You have my sympathy.

And I can tell you.. many of us here understand exactly what you are feeling.

You have had a whole lot to deal with in a short time. Death and birth... one very sad and stressful and one very happy yet stressful as well. Of course you are feeling the entire gamut and range of feelings from anger to sadness to frustration to "emotional auto pilot".

things have been a mess in the coping part.

I disagree... Hon you ARE coping. You are doing as well as anyone could expect. It just that this hurts unlike any other pain.

Your baby is healthy and doing well and I gather your older son is as well. You are still doing life on life's terms. You just aren't used to doing it in this much pain. And the pain.. is absolutely normal. The intensity will wane in time.. but I think we all will miss our loved ones always.

There is nothing to be afraid of... tears and all of your others feelings are all "normal" and to be expected. No one likes feeling out of control... and if that is what is making you feel frightened.. worry not. Everyone here has felt that way at one time or another.

But...acknowledging my lossses and feeling & expressing my feelings helped me feel like I was in more control. The less I fought my feelings.. the better I felt. The less I judged my grief.. the better I felt. The more I shared and read here and realized.. I was "normal"... the better I felt.

The more I do the work of grief... the better I feel. I discovered... for me?? There is no getting away from this. So I just tried to stand as tall as I could and let the pain wash right over me... and I felt it to my bones. And slowly I realized... I was still ok after the wave passed and I could then handle the next wave and all the waves that will come.

You will get there hon. In your own way and in your own time.

And I also want to say Congratulations on the birth of your new baby.

Nanny will be watching over both of them. And my belief is.. she isn't that far away.

Our kids don't really have any grandparents left.. however... I have found.. grandparent like people have shown up in their lives.... just when they need them to. Is it the same?? No. But.. somehow we are all ok and I believe will be ok.

And we are grateful for the people that end up in our lives for one reason or another. It really is literally the best of both worlds. Granparent-like folks here and their true grandparents watching over them from there.

I'm so glad you shared with us here and please do keep us posted on how you are feeling.

There is nothing wrong with you hon, so have no fear. It just feels this bad in the beginning (which you are still in the beginning).

In time.. you might want to reconsider a grief group near you. But know that for now, we are here for you and we do indeed "get it".

leeann

[LoriW]

I too am sorry for the loss of your Mom. I also want to congratulate you on the birth of your baby boy.

First, do not expect yourself to be back to where you used to be. It may never happen and it's going to take time to heal from such a sudden and unexpected loss, especially at such an emotionally vulnerable time when you are expecting nothing but joy. Go easy on yourself and do not expect too much of yourself. I cannot imagine having to take care of a newborn and yet grieve the loss of a Mother. Grief in itself is exhausting and to take care of a new baby and another child......you must be on auto-pilot.

My Mom died suddenly 2 and a half years ago. 5 days after Thanksgiving. I was numb and being that it was close to Christmas and had kids that still believed in Santa Claus, I just went through the motions. I cried a lot. I can only imagine how you feel....as I know having a baby comes with it's own set of emotions and then not to have your Mom to call just compounds the emotions. I'm glad your fiance is supportive, he will need to be as you must work through grief at your own pace.

I can kind of relate to the situation with your stepdad too. My own Dad, has basically disassociated himself with his own children, myself and my 2 brothers. He no longer speaks to my Mom's family or the friends he and my Mom had for decades. He may not be out drinking but my Mom's death has profoundly effected his life and he has chose to cut us all out rather than feel the loss and grieve. He has remarried and basically has told us he has a new family. I can see where you would want to stay connected and yet your stepdad pushes you away and then you feel even further from your Mom......that's how I feel.

As time passes you will relive the vivid memories of the hours and minutes before your Mom's death less and less. I know that my mind often would find itself going back to that day and reliving everything over and over again. It was almost like watching a movie. Like I said, I cried a lot....especially alone in the car. I didn't want anyone to think I was a total basket case. Now, however, I miss Mom like crazy...think of her at least half a dozen times a day but it's better....not the same.....but I'm learning everyday to adjust and make my way. You will too, even though you may not believe it now.

Take care of you.....because you have to be there for your babies, your Mom would want that most of all! Hugs and prayers.

Lori

[shauna marie]

My heart goes out to you, Sinatra.

First thing I wanted to touch on is that you may not be SOL with the house and your mom's assets. I'd speak to a lawyer, but my father died without a will; with my mother still living. I still had to sign papers saying that I wouldn't contest it. I am not sure how much you would have to contest, but I believe that legally the lawyers have to take into consideration any and all persons that could legally be entitled to the estate.

Regarding your stepfather, perhaps you could keep the lines open with him. Let him know that if he cleans up his act, he can contact you. He is hurting, too. He needs to deal with it and probably has as much guilt, if not more, than you. My relationship with my family was pretty restricted for about a year after I lost my mom.

The one other thing I want to mention is don't think that if you have millions of other people in your life it would make it easier. Fact is, you lost your mom and no one and I mean no one can ever come close to her. I have two brothers and the fact that I have them hasn't made the loss of my mom any easier. I also have a godfather and his wife, who actually treat me better than my parents did, and it hasn't made it easier.

Take care of you and keep posting. We all understand, to some degree. I have no kids and I can't imagine how bittersweet your newest arrival must have been.

Shauna

[SinatraPack79]

Thank you!