Why Is It That Some Days We Can Cope Better Than Other Days?

[MariahC]

I was wondering if anyone knows why it is that some days we are able to cope better with our loss than other days? This has puzzled me over the last 3 months.

On waking in the morning, there doesn't seem to be anything indicating whether it will be a "good" day or a "bad" day. [Though not being able to get out of bed is sometimes an indicator of the day to come!!! ]. There also doesn't seem to be any "trigger" that causes a bad day, some days just seem to turn out that way. It can be baffling and quite unsettling at times.

I was wondering what other members' thoughts were on this? Can you tell when you're going to have a bad day? Do you have triggers that cause a "good/bad" day for you? Can you control it, so that you can carry out your daily activities? When you have a "good" day, do you know what's making you feel that way?

I was hoping to understand what makes us able to cope better on some days and not others, including the factors that contribute towards our ability to cope?

[leeann]

I have learned grief isn't a one way journey. It goes forward, backward.. sideways... ALL ways.

Trying to predict how a day will be??? Honestly?? I don't bother.

I just think..today will be whatever it is, along my journey.

Just one day.. today.

Triggers for tears??? I don't know... those are really hard for me to predict. After crying over the meat counter in a food store... I gave up trying to figure out when I might feel tears come and just made sure I had sunglasses with me at all times.

I mean obviously leading up to an anniversary, birthday or a holiday.. yeah I know I could be feeling it. But other than that?? No, I have no idea. A trigger could be a glimpse of a bird.. or a sunset ... or the look in one of my kid's eyes. I have no idea and I don't bother to think or worry about it anymore.

Hmm you got me thinking here... the term "bad day":

Just because I'm feeling sad or grieving doesn't necessarily mean that's a "bad" day. It just the day I'm having. Maybe I shouldn't think of my journey as filled with "bad" or "good" days. Maybe I should use the term 'easier' and 'tougher' days instead of 'bad' & 'good'.

They are just the days I have been given to do the best I can with and to learn what I can during it.. AND some are easier than others. I do not want to judge a teary day as "bad"...that would make it much too easy for me to slide into judging my grief I think.

Can I control tears when they well up?? Well sometimes I can hold them off til I'm by myself... other times.. no. Depends on the situation. If I'm by myself.. I don't care.. I let them rip. If I'm with others...and they well up... depends on who the other's are sometimes. If I feel safe around them.. sure.. the tears may fall. If I don't feel too safe around them.. my tendency is to concentrate on the other person or something else til I can get some privacy to let the tears roll. And yes I have on more than one occasion said "I'll be right back" and I hit the restroom to just like "breathe" or let a few tears go or get a positive thought going on in my head. (And yes somedays I'm in the restroom alot. lol)

Simple things like getting enough sleep and rest, eating properly and getting some exercise can help us. But beyond that stuff... I don't know.

All I can say is grief is one wild ride.. so I try to just hang on and realize that this, maybe, is one of those times in life when flexibility really is the key to success. And I also have to remind myself of that old adage... "Man plans.. and God Laughs".. somedays?? I'm just a snotty mess and others.. I'm not. It is just the way it is. And all I gotta do is make sure my hiking boots are on right and I have all my gear for this journey.. ya know?

leeann

[KathyG]

If there's a way to predict whether a heavy grief day is coming on or if it will be a "good coping" day, I haven't found it yet. But I seem to know as soon as I get up in the morning what kind of day it will probably turn out to be. All but a very few times, that initial early-morning feeling about the day proves true.

I just accept each day, sad and grief-centered or otherwise, as it is and try to react accordingly. If it's a "bad" day, I don't try to stop the sadness and tears but will focus my energy on completing whatever tasks I absolutely have to get done that day. If it's a "good" day, I try to do something good for myself or find something, even small, to enjoy.

[WendyJ]

Gosh Mariah I wonder the same thing. Sometimes with me I can have a better day and then the next is horrible. Sometimes I even have a better week and look forward to the weekend and by Sunday I am a crying all day. There just doesn't seem to be a pattern to go by. Take for instance I was dreading the coming 1 yr anniversary of Steve's passing, well you know what the day really turned out to be just a day....yet other days that have no important meaning I can be crying all day. All it takes is a thought, a song, a remembrance or maybe something else that made me upset and it just goes from there. Don't try to figure it out, there is no pattern. Like Leann said some days you are a snotty mess and some days your not !

Love,

Wendy

[DesertBob]

I was wondering if anyone knows why it is that some days we are able to cope better with our loss than other days?

Hah. If you figure it out, let me know! You can make broad generalizations about your general trajectory, but trying to figure out the individual ups and downs -- just let it happen and don't worry about it.

Best,

--Bob

[rosanne]

I am with you, Bob on this one. I can not figure it out and don't try-

this is a roll with the flow thing....

Rosanne

[MariahC]

Thank you to everyone who replied. The question: why it is that some days we are able to cope better with our loss than other days? came up in conversation with a neighbour who lost her 52 year old mother last year. We were both wondering why some days are so much more incredibly difficult than others.

You're all right in what you've said, there is no way of predicting how we're going to be from one day to the next. Often the easiest thing is to just go with the flow on the rollercoaster of grief. Sometimes, though, I wish I could have more control over my emotions - especially when at work or in social gatherings.

At home, it's ok to let the emotions out and sometimes not be able to get up and do anything. At work, though, this isn't really possible - there are people to see and things to get done. In my line of work you have to be on top of your game which is nigh on impossible if a bad grief day occurs. A "bad" day isn't really just tears - tears are OK - as we often feel better after releasing them. My definition of a "bad" day is not being able to function or not having the motivation or energy to do basic activities. When these days occur, it's crippling and I get really frustrated with myself, as people are relying on me.

Generally, people who haven't experienced a bereavement of a loved one don't understand how it can affect you emotionally, mentally and physically. If you smile one day they assume that all is ok and you're back to your "old self". They don't understand that grief can cause us to be 'up', 'down', 'up' and 'down' in no specific order.