One Year

[allalone]

July 17 - one year.

I can't believe I made it through. There were times I thought I was going to lose my mind but I've kept my sanity.

I still miss my mom as much as I did a year ago - actually more. A year ago I just was thinking Mom wouldn't have to suffer anymore. I was numb.

I bought similar flowers to what was on her funeral spray and wreath and made a bouquet - I got some oasis and a basket too. It turned out well. It was just that I wasn't able to make it earlier this week to the flower shop where I got her original flowers and the ladies there that were so nice are now no longer working there. The woman on the phone the other day was not very nice, so I decided I would put together an arrangement myself. It may not look quite as nice as what they make, but it does look ok. I know my Mom wouldn't like it if I spent way more for an arrangement to be done. She liked when I arranged flowers for her.

God, I miss her so bad. It rips away at my soul. I know that the rest of my life I will have this hole that will never be filled. I've cried the whole time I've written this post. Just to be able to talk to my mom, to have her hug me.

I've had some dreams of her. I always look forward to those dreams even if they are few and sometimes not the nicest dreams. But at least now I see her as she was in my dreams and not what she was like when she was sick.

Tomorrow I'm bringing the flowers to her grave.

a

[leeann]

((((((Hugs))))))

The floral arrangement that you made sounds lovely and I think you are right.. she would appreciate that much more than one done by someone other than you.

This is a milestone of sorts isn't it? I am so happy to hear that you now are remembering her and seeing her as she was before she got ill.

The missing... oh it can still feel so intense sometimes. But with some time under our belts that intensity of emotion doesn't seem to occur as frequently, thank goodness. But I agree that the missing will continue for us always on some level.

I'll be thinking of you today as you bring her your flowers.

leeann

[allalone]

Thank you Leeanne,

It's been a rough week. There hasn't been a day that I don't think about my mom.

I know my mom if she could would hold me and let me cry in her arms and tell me it will be alright. It's not alright though. I don't know how to deal with this grief.

I've noticed that my daughter lately has been going out and drinking a lot - she's also not being safe in it. I mean she is going out with friends, but she is drinking heavily and quite a bit this weekend and last. I would always talk with my mom about things my daughter does, but there is no one to talk to about my concerns anymore. Although my daughter is grown up there are several things she does that are still selfish and very immature - my mom would call her on this, but my way is to let her learn on her own, but I'm finding it very difficult.

It's hard to believe my mom has been gone for a year now. I went to her grave and was there for about 30 minutes. I barely talk at her grave anymore. I wept a bit, put more grass seed there because they ripped up my dad's grave when they buried Mom. I try always to keep it well tended so I pick up garbage and clean it up whenever I go out.

My mom would be glad that I'm getting back to my renovations. But it just doesn't feel like it's happening fast enough. I still hear her voice through other's tho. There are times that someone will say something completely out of character for them and it would be exactly as my mom would say it. Those are weird things and of course it upsets me a fair bit.

Perhaps I am not healing as quickly because I am alone. I live by myself and although it would be nice to have a companion, I don't really want to go out and look for a mate. I'm tired of all the garbage that goes along with finding someone. I don't know how anyone does it after a certain age. I guess I'm just too deep in grieving still to feel excited about anything.

Anyways, I think I'm babbling.

[shauna marie]

all alone,

Give it time. It's almost three years for me and I'm just looking at a possible relationship. You need to take care of yourself and let yourself heal, otherwise you might make decisions you will regret later.

Have you thought of a pet, if you already don't have one?

The first Mother's Day and the one-year anniversary were the hardest times for me. The whole first year was, but those days were especially hard. I think it's because whenever I thought to a year ago, she was still here and then she wasn't. It does get easier, although some days it doesn't feel like it.

The floral arragement sounds beautiful. You doing it yourself made it more special and I'm sure gave you more gratitude that you were able to do something for her instead of just picking up one. And sounds so nice that you take the time to plant more seed and clean up the final resting spots.

I know the last time I went to my mom's (I've moved since then and am not close to it) it was just after the one year and I could barely stand it because the grass still hadn't fully grown back and that really upset me.

Shauna

[grief-stricken]

allalone, your post sounds just like what I would write. Aug. 18th will be one year for me and I miss Mom more now than I did the day she died. I, too, live alone, although at least I do have my two cats (one is hers, whom she dearly loved). I think about her every day and how naive I was to think that the good life I had as a child would just go on and on without any problems. I was looking at old pictures last night and everyone was still alive and everybody looked so happy and we looked like we were having so much fun, and now that has all ended.

I'm glad you took your flowers. If I lived where Mom is buried, I would take flowers every day.

I will be thinking of you.

Grief-stricken

[allalone]

Hi,

I'm glad I'm not the only one who is sensitive and feels deeply for people. I wonder all the time how can people go on after someone they love so deeply passes on, becuase I don't feel like I'm coping well. But of course others are saying that I'm doing better and coping well, but if they really knew and how much I cry when I'm home by myself.

I have thought about getting a pet, but in the last few months I've had problems breathing and the pulmonary tests shows that my avioli from my lungs are not working right. My breathing feels like I am in a hot sauna all the time - my first description tho is more like breathing underwater, because the air feels so heavy and so moist. The other reason I can't get pets right now is because my home is under renos and also if I get a pet I would have to get two because I think it's rather cruel to leave a pet all by themselves for 9 hours. Being allergic to cats, that's out of the question and actually I'm slightly allergic to dogs, so that's not such a good idea either, but perhaps a couple small hairless dogs would be good...as much as I would love them dearly, if one died on me I dont think I could bear another loss. I think it would truly send me over the deep end because I feel like I'm barely managing Mom's death.

I don't know why it's so very important for me to take the best care of the graves as I can. I guess it is helping me to cope. I feel like I'm the only one doing it, but I know I'm not. I know my siblings do a little bit when they are there. My sister thought the flowers I brought were professionally arranged, They looked ok, but I didn't think they looked that good. I just feel if the grass doesn't grow properly it just doesn't feel like we're taking proper care I guess....

I need to get some counselling again.

[shauna marie]

allalone,

I see having a pet isn't possible for you right now. I'm in the same boat. I don't think I could cope with something else dying. I also don't have room for them. Ok, ok--the real reason is that I wouldn't want a cat ripping apart any of my Pooh Bears.

Now, is there anything special that always brings a smile to your face? For me it's obviously Pooh Bear. He never dies, he's never angry, he's just always there. So I've gotten a LOT of Pooh stuff over the last couple of years. Sometimes I don't need it, but other times--like now--I really do. In my darkest hours, Pooh always puts a smile on my face. So maybe is there something that always makes you smile that you could put around to help cheer your mood?

(Yes, I use every excuse I can to mention Pooh. I'll also plug the show, "My Friends Tigger and Pooh"...it's the CUTEST show on tv, I swear. )

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such problems with your daughter and your health. Perhaps therapy would be useful to you, to work through those issues. I don't have any children, but I know that when I'm sick it's when I miss my mom the most. (What I mean by that, is I can't say I understand about how talking to mom helps with dealing with your kids.)

Take care of you.

Shauna

[megw]

Dear All Alone,

I, too, have a one-year anniversary coming up. I lost both of my parents as the result of an automobile accident in mid-August of 2007. I've gone through this past year in a bit of a fog. I'm an only child and the three of us were very close. I was blessed to have them as parents. They were so caring, so selfless, so loving and did it all with warmth, compassion and a sense of humor that was so refreshing. I'm filled with gratitude and awe that they were chosen to raise me. How lucky!

They were both in their 80s. My mom was successfully treated for non-Hodgkin's lymphoma -- over 14 years. Two years ago they found a liver tumor and thanks to radiofrequency ablation -- she came away still moving forward with a quality of life that was quite impressive...we'd go out for manicures on a regular basis. My father had his first heart attack (minor) at 82 and just last year received the sad news that he had stage 3 lung cancer (inoperable). He received six weeks of radiation and came through that surprising well. What was is store for him, told to me by people whose relatives went through the same -- was something I'd never want to see him experience. So...should I be relieved that things happened the way they did? Logically, yes...emotionally...no. I miss them so much.

I just wanted to write a little about what I've gone through this past year. I realize I'm not alone...so many of you have got through this and for many it's been a long, painful process. I just want you all to know my heart and prayers are with you. I truly believe all of our loved ones are still with us , watching over us.

megw

[mlg]

Dear megw,

I am so sorry for you loss. You don't say if you are married or not so I don't know if you are going through this totally alone or not. I hope you have someone to give you some emotional support. If nothing else you have the people in this group. I usually post on the spousal forum but for some reason came to this today. Maybe it was just to lend a friendly ear to you.

If it is any consolation, 2 years ago there was a couple from a small town near here that were killed in an accident 4th of July weekend. Like your parents everyone was in shock because they were EVERYWHERE together and went all over. The one thing that was said a lot that weekend was at least they were still together because it would be hard to imagine one without the other. They didn't have to wait because they flew to the Lord as a pair of angels.

Good luck to you in the future.

Mary Linda

[allalone]

Hi Megw

If I can make a suggestion, take the day off on their anniversary. I thought I was going to be ok, and when i woke up I was in a mess. I did get into work and eventually was ok, but it was extraordinarily hard for a few days because I didn't take that day off to just take care of myself nad my emotions.

My mom and I were close and sometimes it felt like it was me and Mom against the world. Now that she's gone I feel all alone, despite having two siblings, a daughter and a very caring aunt. (and a couple other caring aunts overseas). I know we all have some sort of network, but even though people care, sometimes it can't heal that feeling that we are very alone.

I hate the cliches that people say that it is a blessing that a couple goes together. It would be horrible to see one parent suffering on the death of their spouse, and I have read that with elderly couples the passing of the survivor occurs within 24 months if they had a very loving healthy relationship. I think if I were married and loved my partner dearly where I would be lost without them, then I would want to pass with them. I would hope that my child would be ok and understand that I wouldn't want them to go through two funerals. I know that is no consolation to you and I wish I could give you some comfort and consolation. If you are feeling anything like I am there is very little that comforts me.

I know my mom wouldn't want me to feel as sad and alone as I am, but that doesn't stop me feeling that way. I know my mom would be disappointed in that I don't go to church and that I didn't share her religious beliefs.

Today is the first time that I have come to this board without bawling my eyes out while I read and write postings....I guess that is a small step. I don't know how long this will last...often one step forward two back....

[shauna marie]

allalone,

Just a quick note. I don't go to church myself anymore. It's simply too hard and too full of memories of my mom. I am not sure if that is why you don't, but go easy on yourself. It's not an easy thing to deal with. You just have to take each day one step at a time.

Shauna

[megw]

Dear mlg,

Thank you for your kind response. Yes, I am married and my husband has been so helpful and understanding. He enjoyed their company and I know he misses them too. I just told him that on the anniversary of my father's passing (soon), I'm going over to Central Park with some bird feed. I always remember going for walks with my dad...picking berries and feeding birds. I think that will be a special way to remember him. I haven't decided what I'll do for my mom...something fun.

Thanks again for your kind words.

megw