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My daughter has a friend who recently lost her father and she is very bitter. She isn't bitter about the death so much as she is that he didn't take better care of himself. He died relatively quickly (diagnosed with lung cancer and gone before 2 weeks was up). She is mad that he didn't lose weight, quit smoking, quit working so hard. She says it isn't that she misses him so much because she really never had a relationship with him because he was always farming. She's mad for the shape he left her mother in (not sure what that means because she has had some recent health issues).

My daughter feels she is asking her for help, but Karen's situation with Tom was so different she doesn't quite know what to do or say.

Any suggestions?

Mary Linda

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Gee MaryLinda a tough situation for sure for your daughter and of course for your daughter's friend too.

Maybe the best she can do is allow her friend to have & express her feelings and just be there to listen. I don't think she really has to do anything but that to be a tremendous help to her friend. Maybe her friend isn't necessarily asking for help. (Especially if this loss is recent) Maybe she's just expressing her grief to your daughter.. who.. must be an awfully good friend to her since she feels so comfortable talking to her about this.

Sure your daughter's experience might be different but that's ok.. Technically ALL of our losses here are different .. yet, here, we ALL can help one another and support one another anyway.

I would just let your daughter know... how great a friend she is being by just listening and supporting her friend.

And IF it gets tough for your daughter to be that sounding board at times... it is OK. She needs to take care of herself too. If she can't be that sounding board when her friend needs her to be some time.. she should just let her friend know..it is a tough time right now for her too and can she catch up with her another time?

Early days are raw and emotional days... so it may be too early to tell yet whether her friend would need any other help, ya know?

I'll certainly say a few for all of you.


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Perhaps your daughter could encourage her friend to come to these boards?

My situation is quite similar, actually. Only my father was never diagnosed. He'd been having heart problems for at least five weeks before he died. We ALL tried to get him to go to the doctor, but he refused.

Hard as it was for the rest of my family to accept, he wanted what eventually happened to happen. He died peacefully, never having to go through the pain of having any surgeries or anything else. I truly think that would have killed us more, truth be told. He actually hadn't seen a doctor for like 18 years. That was the way he was.

It comes down to the fact that he made the choice. There isn't anything that we could have done to change it.

Her father may have felt guilt about not spending more time with his daughter. I truly believe that my father was able to help me more from heaven than on earth.

She is mad that he didn't lose weight, quit smoking, quit working so hard.

Honestly, if my father had had to change his eating (he wasn't overweight, but he ate unhealthily), quit smoking, and working so hard--he would have died anyway. He didn't think he was strong enough to have made all of those changes and still have a happy, productive life.

My best to you all,


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