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When Will Things Get Better? Or Will They?

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Yep, pretty much same crap, just a different day. But it's getting closer to the anniversary. Two weeks from tomorrow.

I'm still a mess. My ear, which was infected with Swimmer's Ear, HAD gotten better. Now it's back to the way it was before. So now at some point I'm going to have to bother the doctors--again. I'm starting to feel like they should have a special seat for me. My hip also hurts like heck, still.

I haven't heard from any of my friends, except for one. I did send him an email asking something, but he didn't reply. I know that he's had a lot going on and stuff...but all the same. I need my friends more than ever right now.

Again, haven't gotten my conquest as a driver this week. However, I had two guys freak the heck out of me on Monday night. I was waiting for the bus and one guy started screaming at me from across the street. He was screaming, "Allo, allo!" to me. I didn't know who he was, so I turned back around. Then he got in the car with his friend and they drove past me one way, turned around, and passed me the other way--honking the horn as they did so. Then when the bus went by their house, they waved at the bus. When I came back home later, I seen them get in their car the second I got off the bus. I turned around and got back on the bus and went to town to wait for my godfather to get off work to drive me home. I haven't seen them since, which is good.

I also had a stalker issue last year. He got a hold of my phone number...ok, by me. But I thought he was a nice guy and NO ONE told me any differently. He had called me at work that night and boy, did I feel special that he called me at work. Little did I know he had been stalking the place, going in the store, calling there, looking for me for like a week. (I had been in FL.) So, I told him the night I gave him my number that I wouldn't be home until like 9:30. Didn't stop him from calling like three times before I actually was off work. I did talk to him that night for about ten minutes. Decided he was creepy as heck, and vowed not to talk to him again.

He had to have called me about 20 times the next day. At least. And though I never answered the phone no matter how many times he called, he kept trying. He'd call from friends, I think trying to trick me. I finally had my cell turned off and lo and behold, he started showing up at my work again. I finally had to call the police to tell him to stop. (He's quite friendly with the police officers in town.) So anyway, I seen him a few times since last year, he's never even talked to me. Until today. :angry: I was having a smoke before I got on the bus and he started asking me if I still worked at Shopper's. (Never worked there, but wasn't about to correct him. lol) Someone asked him for a light and that took the attention away from me and I pretty much ran.

My apartment is still a mess. I actually have a whole flock of fruit flies, too. I also still can't find a job. And quite honestly, I don't have the energy for anything right now. All I want to do is sleep each day away.

If my mom were still here...things would be so different. I'd be home. I'd have a job. I'd even have the occasional date. I've only had one *date* since I've moved here two years ago and I wouldn't call it that. I've never done anything with friends 'cuz I really don't have any. I have friends back home though. And if she were here, I'd still have my animals. And if she were here...then I wouldn't have to think about the fact that it's almost been three years since I last talked to her. If she were here, I could watch CNN and watch all of the updates on Hurricane Fay. I might or might not remember Hurricane Katrina. I wouldn't have to curse Mother Nature for having the hurricane possibly attack LA again. Because try as I might to avoid the danged news, it still comes up. When I turn on my Yahoo, there's a little news thing. And if she were here, she'd understand me and I wouldn't need to find others in the same boat. I hate throwing myself a pity party, but I'm sorry, it effin hurts to see people who are twice my age out shopping with their moms. It isn't fair. Now I can't shop anymore, except at the freaking Disney store.

I just hurt, that's all. It just seems like everything is giong against me. I know that it's just how I'm looking at everything today and that everything happens for a reason. I know the job situation will change, the friends thing will change, my apartment will get cleaned, and hopefully love will enter my life. :wub: And my illnesses will get better. I know my situation could be worse, much worse. I also know that I don't have a whole lot to offer others right now, so maybe it's good that I don't have a job or anything. Might sound odd, but I have noticed that I never get my cabbie "friend" when I've been having a bad day. So maybe there's a higher force that is keeping me from certain things right now. Maybe I need to fix ME and not rely on others to do so.

I guess I will survive. I just hate the thoughts of the memories of Katrina and September 11th. My mom's wake was on that date that year, which was a Sunday. Her anniversary this year will land on a Sunday, too.

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Oh (((((Shauna)))))) You feeling the missing bad huh? Tough time of year for you. But you will get through it. Great that you are acknowledgin those feelings.

Maybe I need to fix ME and not rely on others to do so.

I have found this to be true. The only one who can fix me is... me.

But.. I did feel the need to seek the help and support of others, at times. But the work itself was ALL mine to actually do. However it was nice to have some in person support.

I found this link. I do not know whether anything here is near you, but you sure sound like you could do with some support and companionship and maybe a self help group might be helpful to you.

Here: http://www.nsnet.org/bereaved/pictou.html

If there isn't aything here near you, perhaps you could contact someone on that page and ask for some groups nearer to where you are.

Sometimes just being in the same room with people who you know understand can really help. Sure.. we are here.. but sometimes online support isn't always enough. And it seems you sound actually a bit lonely too. So maybe making some new friends at a group like these might help?

I find as I come up on tough times of the year, ie: anniversaries etc. I need to go gentler with myself and those around me. I need to take good care of myself. I need to find a balance of distraction, work and rest. I take the time to acknowledge my feelings and express them. But I try also to keep up with all the other things I need to do as well. The routine... of everyday actually helps sometimes.

For example I was coming up on an anniversary & I remember feeling like I had accomplished something huge by simply making the bed in the morning. That small routine somehow made me feel like I could get through the rest of the day. There was comfort in it. So I moved on to the next routine thing and the next... I just kept going a bit at a time and made it through a day when I had to struggle to get OUT of the bed in the first place.

I see you have been in the area where you live for two years now. Yet, I notice you keep calling someplace else "home". Loads has gone on for you in those two years Shauna. Loads. So I wouldn't minimize your accomplishments. You haven't had much time or energy to make where you are now, home.

But perhaps once this tough time passes.. you may begin to make your nest & your new city "home" for you. That could be something to look forward to.


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Shauna, I don't know your entire story but have read several of your posts. This last one is the first one I remember you talking about "home". Apparently you lived somewhere else before your mother needed your help. Is there a reason you can't go back there now? Maybe that would help your entire situation. If you have friends there and think you could get a job maybe you need to take that leap. If you feel you will be leaving your mom, she is in your heart no matter where you are. You have to do what is best for you.

At times I think you are figuring things out for your self but then like the rest of us you take 2 steps backwards . I wish there was something we could do to help. I guess just being here for you to post to may be the only thing we can do for now.

Good luck

Mary Linda

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Ok, I'm only going to explain the "home" thing right now. Sorry for any confusion. :P

Home is where I grew up, lived with my family for 28 1/2 years. Until Dec/05, I had only moved once in my life. That was actually from our house that was too small to our grandparents house. My grandparents house had actually been built by my grandmother's parents and my mom always loved that house.

I moved in Dec/05 to an apartment with my brother and a roomate. Basically got kicked out a year later, so I moved to a rooming house. My brothers were thrilled that I found a place to live. My godfather, however, was not. He was worried that it wasn't safe. (I'm about six hours away from where I lived.) I was actually going to be near him the following week and he just happened to need to be where I was and we met for lunch and he suggested I move here to get a new start. This was Sept/06. I went up in Oct to get a feel for the area and fell in love. I moved the end of October and never looked back.

I'm not sure why I call it "home". I think there's a part of me that denies that my mother is dead and that my house hasn't been sold.

Living there again just isn't possible. For one thing, my mother wouldn't let me. I know this sounds strange, but I had a huge plan to move back in November. Told my landlord I was moving, was going to put my furniture in storage. It actually worked out that I realized moving back would be a mistake and it worked out that my apartment was still mine and my furniture never made it to storage. Moving back there would mean some things, it would be eaiser to find a job, I'd have more of a social life. BUT...

I'd be stupid again. I don't always know the world as others do, spent a lot of time under my big rock. So therefore, being called stupid, dumb, retard, etc, was a pretty common occurence. I was also nosey, smelly, annoying...you get the picture. The only one who loved me unconditionally was my mother...and she wasn't there for me.

I guess I consider back there "home" when I choose to pretend my life there was all glory and fun. I tend to overlook the fact that I'd lose everything I learned here. I also overlook the fact that this is the way my mom would have wanted it. Me being taken care of and she out of pain.

I just wanted to explain the home thing. I'll reply to the posts later.


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Hi Shauna

I read your first post in this thread and I was going to reply to say something that I thought was important, but in your second post you wrote the following:

... I also overlook the fact that this is the way my mom would have wanted it. Me being taken care of and she out of pain...

I think the thing here is you love your mom very much and I know she loved you dearly. I think you would have to agree that she wouldn't want you to be so incapacitated by grief. I cannot think of any of our loved ones who we are completely bereft over would want to see us in misery. This fact has helped me get to a bit better place.

I am concerned that you are becoming more depressed and that your grief is not getting any better. Have you seen a doctor and thought of seeking if there is anything that they can recommend? Perhaps a free greiving group, perhaps some medication over a temporary period of time that you would be able to over come one or two barriers. I have had to do this and there is absolutely no shame in looking for help in whatever form it comes in. I come to this group and everyone here is incredible, but we are not there in person over the toughest times where we can't even get out of bed to write a post when things are the very worst. This is where attending a grief group in person where someone could actually physically touch your arm or hold your hand while you cried; temporarily taking some medication could give your emotions a bit of a breather to heal. We think nothing of taking an aspirin or other medications to assist us with other ailments.

For me, I weaned off my medication as I had some other side-effect and my doctor could see I was still having a lot of problems with my grief and prescribed me something different to help me that I don't get profoundly depressed. I had problems when I was young with profound depression. I view anti-depressants and the like similar to any other medication but on a longer term.

You sound so sad and I want to let you know that we are all thinking of you and that if you can take one of these steps perhaps things can get better for you. It's not going to make you forget about your mom or erase things that have happened, but it will help you to get to the place where your mom would like to see you.

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