Rough Weekends

[allalone]

The last couple weekends have been pretty rough for me. I'm not quite sure why as there are no special dates around this time that are associated with my mom.

I had a dream where she was in it briefly and it was so nice to see her but of course I woke up and tears were in my eyes.

Perhaps it is that I'm coming out of the stage where I have been living day to day pretending yet knowing she has passed. But there are times when I think about something and remember that she has passed and it's almost like inside there is something that feels on the verge of snapping. It is only for a few seconds, because I know my mom would never want me to have a breakdown.

I miss her so bad my heart aches.

There have been some things that I have been doing that my mom would have been glad that I've done, but still I'm a long way from being where I would like things to be and I know where she would like things to be.

My daughter and I are speaking less and less lately. I think we're just in different mindsets completely. I'm sure I'm a downer for her, but she is also one angry person.

Lately I am trying to deal with things my mom said to me when she first took ill. I know it was only anger speaking and I think some of the things she said was really meant only to try to put a little distance so it wouldn't be so hard when she passed. We both knew the news wasn't good, but it was easier for her to say these things than to hold me close to say how much she loved me, how proud she was of me or how she would miss me. I don't think she had the energy to see my emotions and I am an emotional person, but the more times that goes by the more devestated I feel. She denied that she was even terminally ill until the last few weeks. She never really said good-bye so I stuggle with this too. She was a wonderful mother, but she came from a generation who couldn't vocalize anything. What I wouldn't give to hear her tell me that I'm sick and no matter what things I may say, just know that I love you and I'll always be with you. Let me go where I can be in peace because I can't live the way I have been anymore. I know she never could have said this, but oh how I need to hear that right now. I know deep in my heart she was just lashing out because she was scared to be in the hospital and how could this happen to her when she took good care of herself.

I know all of this really is nothing more but a pity party that I am having for myself. I know I need to be glad for having my mom as long as I did and that she was such a strong person and taught me well. She was my best friend.

I'll never get over this...I know it will get better, but I will never get over that my mom is not with me anymore.

[DebFromLodi]

I am so sorry you are hurting. But you are right that you were probably the closest person in your mom's life and she had to lash out at someone. You were there. Look for signs from her. She will let you know that she sorry, I know she will. I have not yet had any real signs from my mom, who died 7 months ago. But she will come to me someday when I need her most, as will your mom.

Please be kind to yourself and don't take the things she said to heart. We could only imagine how she was feeling when she realized the end was near. I am sure she would not ever want to hurt you, she was just afraid and scared.

I pray God will give you peace over this. Please please don't punish yourself. My heart is breaking for you.

[MartyT]

Dear allalone ~ Better than anyone else, you know what was in your mother's heart. Have you ever considered writing a letter to yourself from your mom, as a way to give her a voice and a way to convey to you whatever it is you need to hear from her? This can be a very helpful exercise . . .

[allalone]

I don't know if my mom is trying to send me a sign or not, but I subscribe to a few different word a day emails. One is in my mom's native tongue.

The weird thing is that today from all the ones that could have been the word for today in native tongue was her last name. (She remarried) And the other one that I received in English was usurp: to seize and hold by force or without right. I am probably reading way to much into this as a sign because I'm not so much of a believer in signs for the most part. But the thing is that it could also apply to the situation she had with her husband too.

I am feeling better today, but it is normally on the weekends when I feel very alone that I think of what my mom had said and I try to rationalize it. I honestly do know that the words she said when she initially took ill, she didn't mean it and I know she was in a great deal of pain and just wanted to be left alone. I just couldn't leave her alone in the hospital suffering like others did.

I just feel so lost without her. I know I shouldn't depend on anyone like that. I have felt that aside from my daughter she is the only person who has ever truly loved me. But because of the type of person my mom was, never breaking a vow, that was why she stayed in her marriage despite many things that we talked about and trying to leave several times. She also felt she would be a burden, but she should have known that she never would have been.

She showed all the classic signs of long-term abuse and a couple years ago we suspected that she may have even been physically abused because she started showing up with these bruises, saying she tripped. I knew it wasn't her tripping as the one story was really far fetched.

I just don't know how people are able to go on after a person who is so close dies. I still think of my mom every day. I can't imagine not. But the feeling that I get some days that I need to phone her. Last Wednesday I broke down because for some reason I thought Oh, I haven't done this for a while, I should phone mom and see if she needs my help with this. Needless to say I broke down and sobbed for a good 30 minutes. The only thing that really helps me is that I know she is in peace now and I know she would want me to do things to help myself and not be sad. I do things to help myself, but no matter what deep down I feel unconsolable.

I'm sorry, I think I'm babbling because I'm tired and under the weather.

thank you so much for your kind words and suggestions. This is always a warm fuzzy place when I just don't know what to do with myself.

[DebFromLodi]

I think we are all going through the same exact things. I keep looking for a sign from my mom, which never comes. I talk to God all day, i say good night to my mom at night. i wish and pray for just one more day with her. i am starting to feel alot of guilt, and i don't like that. i truly have no reason to feel guilty. i just wish i would have gone to see her the Friday before the day she died. but my brother and sister were going to visit her and i welcomed the break. that is hard to deal with. plus it was ME who put her in the home. she was living with my brother and his wife, and it was getting so hard on them. she was no longer able to walk and they had to do EVERYTHING. so i called around and found a convalescent hospital for her and we put her in there, and now she is dead. i feel so guilty about that. but my brother could not go on caring for her, she had to be physically carried to the bathroom etc. and she was so drugged up i don't think she knew what was going on half the time. i could not bring her here to my home, it is two story. plus i cannot lift so i would not have been able to care for her. my brother and sister in law tried so hard to get her back on her feet after her knee surgery, she just never came "out of it." then, i think because she was not able to physically exercise, she got an enlarged heart, which is what killed her. i think of her everyday, i just wish i could get through this. i miss her terribly and i love her so very, very much.

[MartyT]

Deb, dear ~ Those of us who've dealt with caring for our elderly parents have been faced with many of the same difficult decisions you describe, along with the same residual guilt.

If you need reassurance that you did the best you could under the circumstances and made the right decisions for your mother and your family, you may find this book helpful:

When Love Gets Tough: The Nursing Home Decision, by Doug Manning

[allalone]

I think we are all going through the same exact things... i wish and pray for just one more day with her.

(((HUGS))) Deb, I feel exactly as you do. Just one more day.

i am starting to feel alot of guilt, and i don't like that. i truly have no reason to feel guilty. i just wish i would have gone to see her the Friday before the day she died. but my brother and sister were going to visit her and i welcomed the break.

I understand the guilt thing a great deal. I honestly believe it was how our parent's generation were raised and how society and religion in general kept order. Nowadays kids don't feel any guilt or shame. You just have to look in a daily paper to see that. But you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty of.

I was the only one strong enough to lift my mom on her own and do it in a way that she would feel the least amount of pain. She liked things to be done fairly quickly if possible. In the end turning her in bed strained my back badly and it still hasn't healed, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. Anything for my mom. I felt guilty because at one point I thought I don't know how many more times I can turn her as we were turning her every four to six hours as recommended and we noticed her breathing would get easier for a while and she looked far more comfortable even though she was at that point comatose. But the images of mom struggling to breathe at the end are burned into my mind. If I could have taken the pain, fear and struggle upon myself I would have done that gladly.

and it was getting so hard on them. she was no longer able to walk and they had to do EVERYTHING.

One thing is that most people want to take on the responsibility and sometimes it is past their abilities. Don't feel bad about making a judgement call that was necessary. It was likely that your brother and S-I-L felt a sense of relief but probably also felt guilty to admit it. Sometimes depending on the situation a convalescent home is the ideal situation because they have all the equipment and man-power to assist in helping the person get better.

I have also learned the very hard way that the person who has passed has responsibility too. The individual in the situation must make it clear to the family that it is ok to go in a hospice or convalescent home if it gets to be too much. I keep on thinking if it were me, would I want my daughter to feel guilty if I was past a point of recovery and it was hard on her? Of course not. I would want her to see me as much as she possibly can and that we have our tears and good-byes, etc. In certain cases too, if a person hasn't had good habits throughout their lives or gone to see a doctor when there has been a known problem over a long period of time, this causes unnecessary anguish for the rest of the family.

i think of her everyday, i just wish i could get through this. i miss her terribly and i love her so very, very much.

(((DEB))) I know exactly how you're feeling.

I feel so many emotions and question why I am so sensitive, and why it is taking me so much longer than everyone else to get over things.

One of my biggest worries is that deep down I don't know if I'm going to make it through. One of my neighbours had lost a daughter, son in law and grandchild in a terrible car crash. Within two years it had eaten away at him so badly that he ended up with cancer and died. Sometimes I wonder if I am so heartbroken that something similar will happen to me. The heartache is sometimes so bad you feel like you want to die so it won't hurt anymore.

Maybe I'm the only one who feels the last bit and this is one of the hardest things I've actually admitted. I keep on thinking if certain things will happen in my life then perhaps I will feel better. I've made a positive move in one direction but there are a few other directions that I know would make my life much better. It's such hard work and then I think to myself - how do our parents go on after they've lost not only their parents but their spouse etc. Probably more than I should think or talk about for now.

[DebFromLodi]

Thank you for taking the time to comfort me, when you are going through the same. I love this site and all the people who are so helpful. Together, we can make it. I will pray for you.