Someone Please Help Me

[pampchef5]

My name is Catherine and I am a 28 year old mother of 3 young boys. Austin is 7 and severely ADHD and Christian and Aaron are fraternal twin boys and are 5 Aaron is ADHD and Christian is Autistic. I am married to Bart.

I lost my father on August 30, 2004. That is the day my world ended. I live in Texas and he lived in Louisiana. I flew home the day after he passed away alone. My husband promised he would come to be there with me for the funeral and never came....his excuse was that it was too far to drive.(5hrs away) Since I came home from the funeral I have been in a fog...My husband is not sympathetic. He said that I should be over this by now and when I asked him if I could purchase a book on grief he told me that I didn't need a book that I would get over it on my own. When he came in today and saw that I was upset(today has been a particularly rough day) he actually yelled at me..told me that I needed to start pulling my weight around here with the housework and laundry and cooking..How could he be so cruel? I hate him. He is robbing me of my grief. I need to grieve for my father but he is not allowing it. I started cutting myself yesterday. FOr some reason the physical pain is soothing compared to the craziness in my head. I had a dream last night about dying. Being with my daddy again. What it would be like when my husband found me. I think I am going crazy..part of me wants to get in the car and never look back...Someone please tell me I am not losing it..I have no outlets...I cannot write in my journal..TV does no good, I have gained 13 pounds from eating nothing but junk food, I can't sleep, I have nobody to talk to...I am even starting to not like my own kids!! All they do is take take take until I have nothing left to give....I feel so utterly alone...empty....left behind....despair.This morning he took all of the pictures I had of my father and me and made me stand there and watch him put them through the shredder..why is he being so cruel?? Does he not realize he is killing me?? Does he even care??

Cat

[bethal121]

I am so sorry about your husbands lack of support, and I am glad that you stepped out and joined this group. I lost my grandpa on August 2nd, and I am still having such a hard time. Getting over it is not an answer to moving through the healing process of grief is it?

I too have used cutting as a resort to end grief, but I find that it makes it worse. I had used it a few days after my grandpa's funeral, but since that time I've strived not to and to allow myself to go through crying and hurting.

Maybe this points to his own inability to watch you suffer, since perhaps you are supposed to be the backbone of the family, the strong one and the one that he depends on for emotional support and love. And when you are not in your proper role - it distresses him. More than that, I wonder if there isn't some underlying complication in his own past that prevents him from sympathy or graciousness - his act of shredding your pictures was horrible and emotional abuse. This is another situation aside from what you are grieving - dealing with an abusive spouse is a pain all its own and complicates everything. I am sincerely concerned for your welfare.

I urge you to contact a local clergyperson in order to find a grief support group. Who else are you able to reach out to? Brothers, sisters? Is your mom in the picture anywhere? Aunts, uncles, cousins too could help you through this time. It is hard to go through it alone, and sometimes you have to create your own support system when the one you think you had leaves you.

I am beginning to understand that loneliness is a huge complication of grieving. I don't know exactly why, but i have been extremely lonely since my grandpa died. It hurts, and I am making some (rather feeble ) attempts to widen my circle of support.

I hope that you will update how you are doing....I do care and am concerned for you.

bethann

[button]

I can realte with my own husband. Just yesterday I packed his bags and sent him to my mother's because they are all in the same "get over it, move on, she's dead" boat. My therapist was proud of me. NO ONE can tell you how to feel, when to feel or why to feel. It just happens. The misunderstanding, and down right cruelness of people baffles me, it truly does.

Are you going nuts? No. I thought I was too. Was even hospitalized because I told my psychiatrist I "wanted to be with my grandmother"............10 minutes later an ambulance was there to take me away. Even doctors don't get it. Some days are better than others. Forgetfulness is an understatement. Headaches, nausea, overeating one day, no eating the other. Even a lack of interest in my own child, housework, you name it. I went to a local store today, picked out some small gifts and am having them wrap them. WE as grievers have got to try somehow to not let others tell us how to feel, or not. Damn it, however long it takes, it takes..............we have earned that right. Grief is an emotion that must not be stifled by any means. I refuse to apologize anymore for crying, praying, or not being "holly jolly" for the holidays. If I want to stay in bed under the covers all day on Christmas, I will. What's funny to me is no one questions people's emotions when they are getting divorced. AT LEAST THE EX IS STILL ALIVE!!!!!! If I sound angry, it is because I am. The sheer ignorance of others is appalling. God Bless you, and to heck with what others think about how YOU should act.................go buy that book!!!!!

[ana]

I feel as though I'm 'losing' it at times, but I guess I'm not. I'm probably overly tired and just plain sick of the whole OMG MY BROTHER IS DEAD. Work thought I was losing my mind when I told someone in the office that I sit at home and wait in my brother's room for him to come home - this was a couple of weeks after he passed away - like hello - a couple of weeks is such a short time to actually grasp the concept that someone you love and who was in your life for years is not coming home.

And yes, people can be insensitive.