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Can't. Stop. Replaying. My Poor Daddy.

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When my dad was temporarily delirious (the first time he has ever been like that) in the hospital, he was talking in his sleep (something he has never done). He kept saying, "I want to sit in front." When he snapped out of it, I asked what he had been dreaming. He said he dreamed we went to a show and were being shown in by the usher. He and I loved to travel and catch shows. 3 months prior, before his hospitalization, we had seen one together. I told him, "Hey, when you get better, we're going to a bunch of shows, okay?" He said, "Okay."

I have just been sitting here, replaying him saying that in my mind. "I want to sit in front." He wanted so much to be out of the hospital to go to a show with me, and I feel SO BAD I can't take him. It's like denying a hungry man food. "I want to sit in front." My daddy wanted to just see a show. Why didn't God give him that? "I want to sit in front."

I have had no signs that he's in a better place. I suppose if I did, then I could relax a bit and think he's in heaven, which is the best place to be, better than any place on earth. But now I'm not sure about anything. "I want to sit in front." I feel like punishing myself for denying him it. I feel like someone should punch me or something. The internal pain is so sharp my brain's confused there's no physical counterpart.

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Oh, emptyinside...

I'm so sorry you're hurting. :( I'm having a hurt moment right now, too. It's hard, when those certain little phrases, moments, come into our minds. We just want them to be right again. We want to go back, and make what was supposed to happen, what was the happy thing, to happen. To make them happy. To see them smile and hear them laugh.

I wish I could give you some reassurance on the signs things...but I haven't had any sign, myself. I think it's a matter of faith, for the most part. It's hard to think that way, when everything's hurting inside.

You didn't deny your dad a front seat, em. You are a wonderful, loving daughter. You have done everything that has needed to be done for your dad. He is watching over you. You have given him the gift of so many good shows, good times, your love and attention and care, and for that he is grateful as he watches over you now. I don't think that you saying you would take him to shows, and then not being able to now, is like a broken promise. Em, your story of how you cared for your dad is so amazing, I am sure your dad did not feel like there was any wrong done him. You were perfect.



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