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End Of My Rope


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I know what you are going through. I lost my mother Sept. 8, 2008. Since that day everything is going wrong for me. I had a nerves beakdown in Oct. Had to find a part time job. Do't get enough money from disable. Than my aunt die Dec.21, 2008. I got sick last mon. ended up in the hospital. They don't know what wrong with me. Have not work in over a week. Tomorrow going for help. On wed. seeing a special doctor. Thing are so bad I do not want to leave the house just want to stay in bed and watch TV. My friends cook for me and bring me food. They go to the food pantry and get my food or go to the store and buy it. Never through I would end up this way. Take all the help your boss will give you. I hope you do not end up like me. I will keep you in my prays.

GOD BLESS,

Russell

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Patti (((((((((((((((Big Hug)))))))))))))))

@---------------------------------------------------------- < Grab that knot at the end there and hold on!

Good for you that you went to the Doc. Good for you that you got some help. Sometimes we all need help along our grief journeys. You are doing what it takes for you to walk this grief journey.

I remember that you posted on your other thread that you were the one who often took care of everything when others in your extended family got ill or passed away. That folks in your family call you the "strong one" who can somehow "deal with it all". Mind you I think those are a teensy unrealistic. Just because you "deal with" it all doesn't mean it doesn't effect or affect you.

Is there anyway those expectations of being the woman who does it all and comes out unscathed have become something YOU expect of yourself?

If so.. embrace your own humanity... you are after all.... only human. And this loss is significant and it will hurt like the dickens. That's OK.

(Your boss?? Whoo boy .. He doesn't realize it but he is WAY worse off than you are. For....someday..... that dealing with his own loss like it was a business transaction will come back to haunt him. And I am already feeling sorry for him...)

You on the other hand are allowing your grief into your heart completely... and you are feeling it. It feels AWFUL and that shows right now in you. And in my humble opinion... that's normal and healthy. Just more painful than probably anything else up to now in your life.

But.. I also think you may be judging your grief & your coping with this loss negatively, quite a bit too.

It sounds like your family means a whole lot to you. And now.. some of the basic core of that family has passed on. There is an ending.... and a clear change taking place in your life. This has happened to me as well. We were a close family. And yeah I was "the one" who dealt with most of my folks' major problems/surgeries/illnesses. I was the "crisis gal". And I learned with each instance of crisis.. I had to process it afterward. And I may have been great in the moment of the crisis.. but I usually processed the emotions of it all.. well after it was over. And that wasn't very pretty BUT, I learned, it was healthy.

Well the same has happened now with their deaths.

Dad passed in 02 and Mom in 07. I was so concerned with helping Mom after Dad passed.. I realized.. only after Mom passed.. that I hadn't really grieved completely for my Dad. So.. I was "backed up" in the grief for him. Once Mom passed.. my hub had a huge health crisis himself and I had to delay my grief for my Mom. So.. again.. I was backed up. So I had to really grieve both of them.

And then I realized.. this grief was bigger than the loss of him and/or the loss of her. I lost my parents....both. They took up much of my love and heart and consequently... life.

Yes I have my hub and our kids... but my parents had a huge chunk of my heart real estate. The loss of them changed my daily life... my thoughts.. my activities.. everything! I wasn't going to get this grief processed nice and neatly in just a few weeks or months, like I could with, let's say, a surgery for one of them.

This was going to take some serious time and.. it wasn't going to be very pretty. It was going to hurt like nothing else and I wasn't going to be able to jump into some phone booth, slap on my "Super in a Crisis" outfit and spring out and quickly mop up this loss.

Patti.. I found out...there is NO phone booth.. there is no special outfit. There is only grief. MY grief.. such as it is.

AS IT IS> Not as anyone else wants it to be.. JUST as it IS. It's mine.

I had to accept that first. I had to accept that there isn't a wrong way or a right way to "do it". Just what works for me.

No one is the expert on my grief.. except me. And I will do whatever I need to process it and keep moving along this journey. If I need a Doc's help.. I get it. If I need meds?? SO be it. Literally doesn't matter. I just need whatever I need to get through it.

And I don't think it is any different for you. So follow your heart on YOU. What do you think you need? You are the expert. Do what feels best to YOU.. not what feels best for your boss, your co-workers, your siblings, your husband.. your kids.

This "crisis" is your very own. And it is grief.. not a crisis.. even though it feels like it is an emergency. It is isn't. It's grief... your very own. Even though if one transferred this emotional pain into physical pain.. one would definitely be calling an ambulance.... It isn't an emergency.. it isn't a crisis. It's just grief.

You have already seen how well you can do things while emergent things are happening. Well.. what is emerging now is the pain of your grief.

Use whatever skills you can on yourself this time. Manage this just for you... in your OWN way... and in your own time.

And, maybe most importantly, judge it, not....

Would you judge your love for them or theirs for you? I bet not.

So please try real hard not to judge your grief for them. Do whatever it takes. This isn't easy.. so don't forget.. grab that "knot" up there and hold on...

We're here for you.

XO

leeann

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WOW, WOW, and again WOW Leanne! I just got home from the counselor and read your post............

Yes, I have been saving up the grief from my uncle norm,(my other dad), mom, dad, a dear family friend who passed at our house with colon cancer. The song big girl's cry is way off base and I am spending the day watching Titanic with 2 boxes of kleenex. The family is working and I have my house to myself.

Yes I have been judging myself and holding myself to a ridiculous standard as a person. I have done more than other have and have done it willing because I never learned to set up the boundaries to let others take care of their family members. My daughter learned how to handle a crisis and emergencies from me but also learn from my husband that perfection stinks. I am working on that and did not make the beds this morning...wierd but felt good.

Yes, I have put away the cape and taken a serious look at how I am treated by my boss. Since I went to the counselor, I have found out that 5 of my associates have also gone to the eap program because of the way he makes them feel. We are all on medical leave this week, and he having to explain why it happened. I too feel sorry for him and rejoice the fact that I am not like him.

Yes this is the worst pain I have been thru, but you are so right, I am blessed to be human and giving birth at last to all the grief over the years. As my doctor said, grief and depression is like an emotional flu, it is curable, but takes longer than a z pack. He was proud of me for coming in since he knows how much I hate doctors, but love him as a person.

My family is the world to me. I am usually a glass half full type gal and so here I sit, staring at a glass that is half full, being thankful to you for your words and the time that you took to help me. May God bless you and keep the wind always at your back.

Thank you

xxoo

Patti and crew.

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Hi Southern Eagle,

You will definitely be in my prayers tonight and I am sure everyone here holds you tight with lots of hugs... My boss was not very nice to me when my mom died she ordered me back to work after two weeks and if I did not return I was gone... I worked for a little business and did not have anyone to help me so I went back to work and hated it even more... Soon after that about four months I lost my dad as well and so I managed to last a few months but later quit because I could not handle anymore... Take good care of yourself and I will pray for you Shelley

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Patti so sorry about the job. Let us know how you do with the atty. But seeing what you wrote about the rest of your co-workers... perhaps your boss is the one who needs to leave.... just my 2 cents.. that and 3 more dollars will get you a large starbucks. So take it with a grain.

But I'm glad in a way that you are taking leave. Seems like it may end up being a real good thing for you. And yes.. I too struggled with "perfectionism". I bet your shocked. lol

I remember once asking my hub.. maybe the 3rd year of our marriage (guess he had had enough by then...), if he would help me move the couch out so I could vacuum back there. And he simply said, "No, I think you need to learn to peacefully co-exist with the dust bunnies." LOL And he didn't.. not once that entire year.. help me move the couch out. So I had to learn.... to live in peace... WITH dust bunnies. And you bet it bothered me for quite awhile.. but I'm here to tell ya... I got over that. LOL

Tomorrow??? Why not try leaving a glass in the sink for the whole day... I mean.. live large.. ya know? :D

((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

leeann

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I know what you are going through and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

When my dad died - its coming to the one year anniversary and I was not functioning at all.

Could not remember anything, would drive to work and pass right by the place - did this alot - hubby did not want me driving.

My doc put me on some meds that helped so much.

And I am now talking to a therapist which really helps.

If you can talk to someone I would do so.

And dont rush the healing or the grieving.

Give yourself time and take care of yourself.

Get a massage or get your hair done.

Make sure you eat and get fresh air.

I went to the gym a couple times and took out my frustrations.

Take care

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Thanks to each and everyone of you. The glass is in the sink, the attorney is helping. My employees have been calling all day, and yes my boss is a jerk. Glad that I am not him.

As far as dust bunnies go........I will work on improving on that another day. :unsure:

Thank again for listening.

Patti

p.s. Yes I am taking the rest of the day just for me....got to buy more kleenex and watch more old movies and if the urge hits, listen to disco....thank goodness my daughter is not in the house.......family joke.

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may the wind always be at your back. It is an Irish thing.

Yes.. Tis an Irish thing I'm quite familiar with....

And to you:

An Irish Blessing

May the road rise up to meet you,

May the wind be at your back,

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

May the rain fall soft upon your fields,

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

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leeann,

Were we sisters in a previous life? Thanks so much for all that you have done!

Spent part of the day at the lake on the sailboat and listened to music as the clouds went by. Remembering when life was easy as laying on the ground and looking for shapes in the clouds. I then went and talked with my councilor and loved it when she said that I was so use to putting emotions into each of their own boxes and closing the top. I told her about what you had said about thinking that I could came thru unscathed. ;) So ok, I am taking the next week off from lists, tasks, superwomen jobs and letting the family know that I still love them, but I need to be an emotional blob for a bit.

When I told my daughter that she laughed and asked if the two of us could have a remember grandma sleep over while the boys do manly things...... What a great idea! Popcorn with lots of butter and yes made from scratch chocolate chip cookies and a box of kleenex, I am buying stock!

The guys think we are crazy, but we both need to deal one loss at a time, that surgery that you were talking about.

I have an attorney who will take care of all the legal stuff, he is trained and I am not....is this progress???? :blink:

Any way, it is time to take a nap.......no I can't remember the last I did that......Yeah! Have a great weekend and God bless.'

Patti the recovering perfectionist........baby steps

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I know what you are going through and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

When my dad died - its coming to the one year anniversary and I was not functioning at all.

Could not remember anything, would drive to work and pass right by the place - did this alot - hubby did not want me driving.

My doc put me on some meds that helped so much.

And I am now talking to a therapist which really helps.

If you can talk to someone I would do so.

And dont rush the healing or the grieving.

Give yourself time and take care of yourself.

Get a massage or get your hair done.

Make sure you eat and get fresh air.

I went to the gym a couple times and took out my frustrations.

Take care

Midnight,

Thank you so much for your post!

I thought the driving thing just meant I would have to buy a gps system for the car. Yes the medicine is helping alot. So is the councilor, Yes I am trying to control this grief and rush the healing, so it is time to take a whole week off..............I am going to work in the yard and trim all the trees.

Best of all, working on a list on Face Book-Things that you missed while being a workaholic.

Bless you and may the wind always be at your back.

Patti

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is this progress????

Um.. YEAH! LOL You are doing GREAT!

And I love the sleepover idea! Awesome.. and very good to have your daughter with you. One terrific place that kids can learn healthy grieving is from their parents.... so good for you both!

Hope your nap was blissful and you have a good weekend too!

((((((Hugs)))))))

leeann

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Hey everyone,

3 days and nights of sleep has done a world of good! YEAH! It really is important to take care of yourself as each and everyone of you have said. Just a few thoughts for those starting this journey of grief:

1. Enjoy your home and know that this is where your heart truly is.

2. Mac and cheese is wonderful! Remember when your parents made it for you.

3. Take time to go outside, the fresh air and wonders of nature may bring you the sign that you are looking for. A deer came to my back door the day that Dad died and when I went outside today, there the deer was in my woods looking at me and I was able to get about 2 feet from it before it turned and walked away.

4. Talk to your family, they miss you.

5. Learn from my mistakes and stop working 7/24, it only delays the pain and you end up loosing in the long run.

6. Ask and accept help! Yes leeann, we are all human and it is positive thing that you are human enough to grieve.

7. Embrace the dust bunnies in your house, it shows that it is lived and loved in.... trust me it works.

8. Never be afraid to post on this site with your real emotions, we all learn from each other that we are not alone.......

9. Chocolate chip cookies made from scratch are uplifting to the soul of all that you know.

Have an awesome night.

Patti

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leeann,

I have taken a week off for just me...what a relief! There is no stress from the job that I no longer have, thank god. My associates are upset that my boss took over my job and miss the calm that was there when I was there.........my garden is a huge challenge and it will take me weeks to get in order. A friend from days past needs my help.....and I am glad to be there.

Robert Frost talked of the road less taken...that is my road at this point.....wishing for snow. That means peace and fun all wrapped up into one,,,,,,Georgia,,,,snow,,,,yeah right.

Thank you for all your help and support.....I will be fine and much wiser from this journey. My heart is in heaven right now with my dad and mom and uncle.......Missing them all and yes, I cleaned the house and yard today and can't move......

Lots of love to each and everyone of you! or in my terms, lol

Patti

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Well good for you Patti! Glad you have the week off and that you can spend some of it on you. But I'm also glad you have it within you to be reaching out to a friend in need. I find it does help me to get myself concerned with others sometimes.

Sure you are right.. the missing always just is. For me it's about learning to live despite it.

Hope you have recovered from all of your cleaning! So rest up up a bit.

And I hope you get your snow!

leeann

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leeann,

No snow and it's 70 degrees now. I am working with my friend to organize a mission trip to Aussie land to help out with the fires and people who need help. When one or more doors close, many more open. Blessings to you and the family. I am off to make a difference, thank you to God for giving me the time off to rest and for always putting me there for people in need.

ps. Dad would be very proud.

Lots of love,

Patti

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Well 70 degrees is nothing compared to what our poor friends from Oz are suffering. The temps have been awfully high there from what I have read.

And those poor people.. my heart has gone out to them. I can only imagine the grief there. So many killed by these raging fires.

So again.... excellent that you can lend your heart and hand to this most desperately needed endeavor.

And .. I agree... Dad would be right proud! Hope you are too.

(((((hugs)))))

leeann

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(((((((hugs))))))) to each and everyone of you. I hope that you can keep the people in Australia land in your thoughts and prayers. Blessing to each of us for what we have shared on this sight, because it has been an inspiration to me and the team here. We take notes and the hundreds of people that I have met so far are glad for all of our insites.

Yes leeann, I have realized and embrace my dad's love down here and yes I am proud but more importantly take joy and peace from this mission. You all are in my prayers nightly....sweet and peaceful dreams to each of you.........this site is just the beginning of our purpose here on earth that takes each of us beyond the pain.

Blessings,

Patti

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