Regrets

[Carole]

My mom found out she had lymphoma at the end of August. She was already living with me as she looked for a house in my area. While she was sick she stayed with me. My brother who lives 12 hours away took leave from his work to stay with us too. Mom's Dr. would never give us a clear picture of how much longer she had. i was going to take a leave from my job inmid December (I am a teacher) and not go back until she was better or had passed on. I wanted to devote as much time as I could with her. My brother and I were always with her in the hospital. One of us always stayed the night. I have a 2 year old so I was struggling with time with her and time with mom. I live 45 minutes from the hospital so I would have to run home to get clothes etc. a couple times a week. I wish I have taken of from work sooner. I was ther for her doctor's appoinments, chemo., and hospital stays, but not when she was simply at home. I wish I had stayed at home with her and just asked someone else to run my errands. The last time she was in the hospital she was just in there for a simple procedure and I needed to sleep at home due to the fact that my daughter was having some problems with me being gone. When I got to the hospital the next morning my mother was unable to talk or move her limbs. I wish I had been there with her that night. I never left again. I was afraid to say too much about how I felt about her because I didn't want her to think I had given up on her. I just wish I could go back and make sure she knows just how much she means to me. On the night of Dec. 6th, she was having an x-ray in a possition that was painful for her. I asked that she be given medication to hep her. Right before they gave her that, She threw up. They then also gave her medicine to stop that. I helped the nurse clean out her mouth, change her sheets and clothes, and told her she would be ok. She could barely wisper "ok." She then went to sleep. My brother had just come back into town and I let him stay that night. She died in her sleep at 1:00 AM that next morning. I wish I had been there. These regrets are the hardest thing for me to deal with I think. Do they ever go away?

[STARKISS]

Hi Carole,

I am so sorry to hear about your mom, but only God knows when people are going to die... I have to live with regrets also because when I was 18 my grandmother who lived with us and that I was very close to died on Christmas day and I did not want to go and see her on Christmas Eve and I kept telling myself she will be okay and I will see her Christmas... But on Christmas morning my mom got a phone call and it was the hospital telling her that she had died early in the morning and now I have to live with the feeling of not being able to say good bye to her.... I went through so tough times also with my dad before he died... I stayed home and did not go to the hospital with him the night he was admitted with a bad cold and also non hodgkin's lymphoma as well... I thought it was just a cold and he would come home in a day or two... The next morning my brother and I were getting ready to take me to work and he was going to the hospital to see him and the phone rang and they had told my brother that my dad died in the early morning... Again I regret not going the night before and not being able to say good bye... Shelley

[Chai]

Dear Carole,

These feelings of regret are definitely normal. The thing I have learned though, is that, everyone feels them. Even the people who were there for every second, who were there when their loved one passed away, who held their hand...even those people feel some regret, some guilt. I think it's just normal.

It is definitely hard to deal with, though. After my dad passed away, I felt terribly guilty for not having taken more time off of school - or just ditched the semester altogether - to be by his bedside. My father passed away in the hospital with friends, with his only child, his daughter, miles and miles away from him. I wish I could have spoken to him one last time and told him thank you. He knew I loved him, and he knew I appreciated him, but I still feel I could have expressed it more, especially during his illness.

But what happened and how it happened, happened. And I think our loved ones would rather we try to accept how it went, rather than feeling terrible over it. Of course, it is tough, when the sad regretful thoughts come into our minds...

My heart is with you.

take care,

Chai

[kath]

Dear Carole,

If we, as caretakers, lovers and concerned family, allow ourselves to speak of the impending death with our loved ones while they are alive, are we giving up hope for them? Will it make their death come sooner? Or if we continue to nourish, continue to pray, continue to hope for recovery, continue to be a strong and optimistic presence in their lives, holding their hands and meeting their needs, are we helping them stay tied to this earth longer?

My husband spent exactly one week in a hospital before he died. I was scared the entire time as I watched his illness progress. Yet, I couldn't tell him my fears, because I wanted to be strong for him. He didn't bring up the possibility of dying to me, so, in reality, he was being strong for me. By not talking about it, I felt like I didn't tell him all the things I wanted him to know. And he didn't tell me either. And I didn't prepare my kids for the worst. But, as I sit here typing through my tears, I know he loved me and valued me and I am certain he felt the same from me.

There was a day when I was too numb, too afraid and unable to function as I sat and watched him as the doctors pried and poked and searched for a reason for his rapid decline. On that day, his daughter did everything. She gave him ice and water, fed him, cleaned him, rounded up nurses, yelled at doctors, and held him. They didn't say a lot to each other, but what I witnessed was sheer beauty. Their unspoken love, their bond, their respect for each other was evident to us all. She then went and bought a 3-month parking pass because we refused to believe we wouldn't need it after his transplant. No one in the medical field suggested not to.

Continue to talk to your mom. Tell her the things you didn't get to say. But, I am pretty sure, she knew them anyway. It is our actions that speak louder than words and your actions, your instincts were right on. Your mom knew you loved her as I am sure you carry her love for you with you every day. It is that love, that will help you leave the regrets behind, though it may take a long time. Be gentle with yourself. I am very sorry for your loss.

Kath

[southern eagle]

Dearest Carole,

Let me share this with you and I pray that it helps you...My Mom passed 10 years ago after years of fighting for her life. I got to spend a day with her for my husband's and dad's birthday before she left this world....her last words before she left the house was to call her soon and how thankful she was for my help....

She and my dad left my house and went to the hospital for her to die,,,and never said a word. She wanted me to sleep and rest, and do you know why? So that I would have the strength to get thru the following weeks....Your mom knows that you loved her and you were the light of her life,,,embrace that love...smile, slow down and love.

Patti

[Carole]

I guess I need to try and let go of any regrets and focus on the fact that she knows I love her. You are all right. I didn't want to sit down and tell her because she might have thought I had given up on her. I don't think it really sunk in that she really might die. I couldn't imagine life without her so I never really thought it would happen. Now it has and I feal lost.