Anti-depressants. Does That Make Me Weak?

[Jei5878a]

I lost my mom 5 months ago and I am just now coming out of the shock period--all this grief just came out of nowhere and hit me right in the face. I'm having panic attacks, I can't drive, I can't eat (I've lost 10 lbs in 2 weeks) I can barely leave the house, and I just don't find happiness in anything anymore. I got engaged yesterday, (On my 20th birthday) to the person I love most in this world and it's like I don't even care.

I went to see my doctor today who diagnosed me as having both depression and anxiety. He put me on lexapro, but it takes about a week to start feeling any changes. In the mean time he gave me clorazepam, which basically just knocks you out for hours at a time, but at this point, sleeping in nice because it gives me a chance to escape the pain.

I'm just worried about the side effects, and how people on anti-depressants sometimes have thoughts of suicide. I'm a strong believer in Christ, so I don't think I would ever try and kill myself, but I just have myself worried that I might not be able to stop myself, you know? I've never had suicidal thoughts, so I guess I'm just scared I'll become this totally different person and unable to control myself.

I just feel like I'm giving up. I feel angry at myself for not being able to handle this on my own. The rest of my family seems to be coping well, and I was doing well (or so I thought) up until a few weeks ago. I feel so weak to have to ask for help from the doctors, and to have to take medicine for this grief when almost everyone else in the world is able to cope on their own. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

Anyway, I'll let y'all know in a week if it's getting any better.

[Elaine1982]

Hun,

You are doing so well!!

I was 20 when i lost my mum (just over 5 years ago) and i suffered with panic attacks at the time and due to not wanting to deal with the awful pain of it i blocked it off. I'm now getting them again as didn't deal with it at the time - but that's another story.

Going to the Doc is the best thing you can do at this time. In my opinion it does not make you weak - it makes you strong and brave to admit you are suffering and need help. I did the same and am only able to function due to my medication (and exercise, hypnothearpy etc). You have suffered a really terrible thing at such a young age. I felt so lost and alone without my mum, still do to be honest. But you can get through this and you are getting through it. I'd reccommend counselling or hypno or something similar sooner rather than later. Please do not leave it as long as i did. It will be painful but it must be dealt with, it just can't be bottled up or it will just make you more ill.

My partner (my husband now) asked me to marry him 6 months after my mum passed too. I was happy but felt guilty too. Plus i so worried how my dad would react. I can totally relate to this hun. You're not strange and i understand why you're not feeling super excited. It's kinda wrong timing in a way. Not their fault (bless them) they just want us to be happy but 6 months is nothing in the grieving process and you're still probably a little bit in shock of it all. Reality is hitting now and that's why you're mind is finding it hard to cope - it just can't understand what's happened - i have been where you are and you will get through this.

Thinking of you hun and remember you are doing the right thing for you - keep well and msg whenever you want.

E x

[Jei5878a]

E,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I can't tell you enough how much of a relief it is to hear from someone who has gone through something very similar to me and "is on the other side of it all".

I still cannot yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, so it's nice to know that I will get through this, just like you did.

~Jamie