Elderly Mother Slowly Dying

[Charlotte61]

Three years ago, my 78-year-old mother was diagnosed with advanced liver disease -- the doctors don't really know what it is or what's causing it, but they think it's an autoimmune thing where the liver attacks and scars itself. Every time Mom has a flare-up of symptoms I think it's the beginning of the end. This past two weeks she's been quite under the weather and I'm barely able to function because I'm so anxious and afraid and depressed. I may be nearly 50 years old, but my mother is my rock and the most important person in my life. I simply cannot imagine how on earth I will be able to go on without her when she passes. People say you get over it, but all I see is a big black hole in front of me. Are these normal feelings? I have been on a low dose of anti-depressants ever since Mom was first diagnosed, and really don't want to go to a higher dose since that can lead to lifelong dependence. I know I am overly attached to my mother, and have seen numerous counsellors and spent thousands of dollars trying to correct the situation, to no avail. I don't know what to do next, or how I will react when she finally dies. I am terrified I will get suicidal or something. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thank you!

[AnnieO]

I am sorry your mom is sick. I don't really have any suggestions but wanted to tell you, you are not alone. This is a wonderful site, with caring people. I am not sure why you said you were "overly attached" to your mom. Is there such a thing? My mom died Dec 06. She was my best friend, my biggest cheerleader and loved me unconditionally. I can't speak for anyone else, but I can say for myself, I will never get over this, but it has gotten easier. Its more about acceptance and finding a new "normal". I have joy and happiness again in my life, but of course I think about my parents everyday. I still have grief bursts but they don't last as long. I think you should talk to your doctor about increasing your meds if you feel you need it. Take care of yourself and cherish each day you have with your mom, be sure to tell her all the things you want her to know. You will get thru this, it will be hard, but you will get thru it.

[Charlotte61]

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I'm so sorry your lost your mother a couple of years ago. It's comforting to know that it does get better over time...although I agree that losing our parents is something we can really never get over. I will certainly be seeing my doctor when the worst happens -- if I have to go on a higher dose of anti-depressants for a year or so, then so be it. I will probably also look into grief counselling. I have supportive friends as well, but a very small family. Once both my parents are gone, my sister is the only one I'll have left and she is dealing with a disabled and depressed husband, so she has her hands full. Hopefully, Mom still has some time left -- we've been through these flare-ups before, and I always get into a panic about them, but so far, she has managed to bounce back to nearly her normal self. This one has been going on longer than usual, though, and there are some other symptoms that didn't happen before.

This is a very hard thing to have to go through, although I do know that it's something we all have to face sooner or later, whether it's with a parent, spouse, sibling or close friend.

When I say I am overly attached to my mother, I guess I mean that I'm very emotionally dependent on her.

Thanks again for your response.

[AnnieO]

I think we are lucky that we were able to have such a close relationship with our moms. I think its a good idea to seek out a grief therapist when you need one. I had a wonderful one and it really helped. Take care

[Kathy61]

Charolette, I know how you feel as I watched my mother die from leukemia. She had the chronic type for 8 years, but after starting chemo last June it did the opposite and she developed Acute Leukemia and died within 2 months. I watched my mother for 8 years deal with this disease and every time she would get sick I often wondered if this was it. Last year it was. Like you, my mother was my rock. She was always there for me and after my father's death 12 years ago we became more then just mother/daughter, but close friends. I took her to her medical appointments then we'de always go out for lunch. I saw her almost daily and we talked on the phone daily and sometimes more then once a day. The first three months after her death I was in shock. I could not imagine a world without my mother. I would say that you NEVER get over it, you just learn to take it day by day. My mom will be gone a year next month. I miss her so much. After she died I did a few really strange things like call her phone number just to hear her voice in the recording before her phone was disconnected. I have a saved voice mail message on my phone of when she called me last year. It's not much but I hear her telling me she loves me and that's enough. It will stay on my phone for as long as I can keep it. I use to call her a 21st century mama because she had a computer and loved to send emails. I kept a few of her emails and have one hanging on my wall in my office. I found an empty writing pad last year after she died and I wrote journal letters to her. I don't know if anything like this will help, but you have to do whatever you need to do to make you better.