Really Depressed

[Lucia Abeytia]

I'm still in Savannah Georgia will be leaving in the morning back home to Phoenix, yesterday i had a really good day we went out on the boat and it was alot of fun. I went to bed late and slept for about 2 hrs. than i woke up and started crying i cried for about 2 hrs...and i have felt like crying all day...i fill so depressed to day and i am missing Ben more today than ever it has been 3months 8 days and it is getting harder every day instead of easier...I think of him all day no matter what i do i miss him so much my heart just aches sometimes i wish i could just die so i could be with him...I pray to god this gets better because i fill like i am going crazy.

[mrspapajohn]

Lucia - - First, let me assure you that you are not going crazy. My husband has not yet been gone for four months and everyday I wake up crying because I have to face another day without him. I never knew a person could have so many tears. I have a doctor's appointment next week just because my eyes are so sore from continually daubing them with a kleenex tissue. I live alone and have lot of time to think. Mostly, what I think of are the times I let Stephen down, and that makes me even sadder. Like the times during a day that he could not sit up anymore and asked me to lay down beside him to keep him company. Sometimes I did, but other days I told him that I just didn't have the time when all I had was time. Now, if I could only have those days back, I would never leave his side. I would cherish every moment. I know exactly what you mean when you say that the days seem to get harder. Just when I think that I couldn't possibly be any sadder, I find that I can, and that I am. I am living for the day when my memories will be of happier times that bring a smile rather than a tear. That hasn't happened yet.

My husband is buried out of state (because he has a large family in Texas and we lived in Arizona). I flew down to visit his grave on our anniversary in March, and all I wanted to do was to lie down beside him and just stay there. The hardest thing I had to do was to come back to this empty house. He always looked up and smilled at me whenever I came in. He was so happy to see me, even if I had just gone out to get the mail. I know that no one will ever love me like that again and that fact, and the despair that comes with it, is something that I just can't get over. At least not yet. It's funny, although the house is empty, I don't mind being alone. I really don't want to see or interact with anyone. I just miss Stephen so. I would give anything and everything to have him back, and I don't want any one ese (except maybe my mother, but she died four years ago). I understand that Stephen cannot come back, so I know that in order to keep breathing and living (and believe me, I get through each day by the minute), I have to accept his loss and go on. Someday, maybe I will be able to do that, but not yet.

I am so sincerely sorry for your loss which is compounded by the attitude of your daughter-in-law. It would be easy to say just ignore her, but I know how truly hard that would be, especially when you love your son, and you want to bring your family together. No one should have to go through what you, I and so many on this site have gone through and are still going through. Death is the hardest part of life that we have to face and when the love of our lives die, we have to face it alone. So many on this site have done it and their bravery and spirit inspires me to go on. I hope it will inspire you, too. Please keep posting and let us know how you are. You will be in my thoughts.

Kathy

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi Lucia and Kathy

we are all on a similar timeframe I think. I know that I spent most of the past three days sobbing for Cliff. I feel the same way ... I don't want to be here anymore, I just want to be with him. But of course, as my counsellor says, "you have to be patient ... when it's your time, you will see him again" (she clearly realizes this is not one of my strong points).

Also it's my birthday on May 4th and my sister was supposed to be speaking to my nephew and niece about us all being together. But I got an email from her today asking me what I'm doing on my birthday. Jeez. I really need to be with them on the day so I hope they pull through.

My neighbour has a drink problem and is really ill now. She is in hospital and of course I wanted to lend my support to her husband and daughters so insisted that I drive them over so they could see her, and followed them to the ward. And it was the same ward that Cliff died in. I was visibly shaking so badly that one of the nurses came to ask me if I was ok. I told her that I probably needed a Mars Bar / sugar-fix because I didn't dare say the words otherwise I would have broken! I've now realized she probably thought that I had a drink problem too - hahahaha.

Feel bit better now I have offloaded

Thinking of both of you, stay in touch. We'll get through this together

xx