Double Whammy

[cml1016]

I lost my Mom in February 2009 and am already dreading Mother's Day this year, as it is also would have been my Mother's 67th birthday. I know that I should focus on being a Mother myself, but I am already getting myself worked up over getting through this first Mother's Day & her birthday without her. My birthday is also that week and Mom was always the first to call me to wish me a Happy Birthday - I can't bear knowing that, that call will not come this year. My 4 year old wished on a star last night and told me that her wish was that God would bring Grandma back to life... I wish it was that simple!!

[DebFromLodi]

i so understand what you are feeling. my mom died feb 2, 2008 and, believe me, it does not get easier. my prayers are with you during this tough time.

[leeann]

CML I know exactly what you mean.

And I hate to say it.. but when I read what you wrote.. I immediately thought...

"When I die, I'm going to do the same thing to my son."

My son was born three days before my Birthday in that week of May as well.

Our timing is similiar as well. I lost my Mom in late January 07. My mom's b'day was a just a bit before Mother's day though. But it didn't matter when it was really... that first Mother's Day; it was hard. Just a real raw feeling.

I wanted to ignore the whole day. But.. I couldn't really because I'm a Mom myself too. I did talk to my hub ahead of time and told him I really wanted to not do anything to recognize the day. He thought we should do a lil something. But.. he agreed it would be good to keep it low key with our kids. (And he made sure I didn't have to cook that day but also knew I wasn't up for going out to a restaurant.. so he brought some food in and cooked the rest with the kids.)

He bought some of my Mom's favorite flowers for me and we planted them outside in her honor. We cried. No getting around that. It was a good mix of something for me and something to remember my Mom. The rest of the day we tried to keep it just a regular Sunday. Kids were missing her too and knew I was hurting. And I knew they were at times too. There were hugs around...

But after the planting... we tried to just ignore it. Their lack of acknowledgement of it in BIG way .. was ... really their gift to me too.

It wasn't a great Mother's Day celebration... but..we managed to get through it. Course my kids were probably a bit older than yours. Daughter was 12 and son was just 16 then. I knew I could just be myself. If I felt like crying I did and so did they.

The thing is... with all of the holidays and birthdays... etc... we just manage the best we can. Each of us tries to get through it and because we are all different.. we each will handle it differently. But I guess the most important thing I found to do about that 1st Mother's Day was to talk to my husband beforehand and let him know how I was feeling about it. And the second best thing was to keep it all out 'on the table' so to speak with our kids. I acknowledged out loud that it was a difficult day for me and why. I didn't hide my emotions.

How you should try to spend that day..??? Exactly how you want to. So give it some thought now.

Whatever works for you is fine and the very thing you should do. The only thing I would urge you to do is to communicate with those around you and let them know what you are up for and what you are not up for. You can even share with your precious 4 yr old on her level what you are feeling. I found it helped my kids out tremendously if I allowed them to see my tears... it gave them 'permission', of sorts, to express their emotions too.

(Had a thought....I was just thinking about balloons.... Mylar ones that one can write something on with a sharpie and then release them up to Grandma.... might be something you two can do together..)

With many (if not most) holidays... it goes better than I expected. Usually my anticipation of that holiday is worse than the actual day. The days leading up to it though... because of that anticipation... are usually fairly tough. But it doesn't matter... HOWever I choose or you choose to get through that day... that is what is best for each of us.

My own birthday... well I was blessed that Mom & Dad shared so many with me... I could easily "hear" them singing me a Happy Birthday in my mind and heart. Nope.. not the same. But it helped a bit to recall the happier times we shared together in general.

I miss them... still... and I always will. But the intensity of the missing does indeed lessen a bit so it is more tolerable as time goes on. I think we just get used to celebrating life's milestones without them physically here. We adjust to their "presence" being in a different form.

It does take time though... so please try to be patient with yourself.

And know we're here to help you along the way.

(((((hugs)))))

leeann