Been A Month And It Feels Like It Happened This Morning

[missing B]

I had a huge story about what happened to my baby sister (she was 32 Im 34) typed out but due to the awful situation sourounding her death (directly related to childbirth) Im afraid to post it for fear that someone might find what I wrote and misconstrue my intentions from my words. I really need an outlet for all of these emotions but I feel like Im so alone in it all. She was my only sibling. The only person that I could talk to about something like this. How is that possible? The person that I could tell everything to, the one that HAD to love me no matter how stupid what I said came out, is gone? How is it she is the one person I could talk to about losing someone close and then I would feel better and she isnt here to talk to about it? Im sure this makes no sense at all. Heck I can hardly see what Im typing either. Stupid tears come at the worst times. I feel like I have to be strong for my father, I feel like I have to bend over backwards for her boyfriend. I dont feel like Im getting to be myself and do or say the things I am thinking because I have to take care of everyone and everything, play nice. I shouldnt be mad at anyone because the one person I want to be mad at and yell at for doing this to me isnt here. If I spoke my mind I'd probably make the whole awful situation worse. So I sit. Huddled in a chair. Crying my eyes out for the huge hole in me. The huge hole in my life. Not having the one person here that could help me through this.

[leeann]

B's beloved Sister,

(((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

I'm so very sorry for your devastating loss.

Please... don't be afraid to post anything here. We are here for you.... "no matter what". We're not your sis and never could take her place... but we sure are familiar with what a significant loss can do to a person. We know what it feels like to "do" life without the very one who could help us right now.

So please.. feel absolutely free to spill your pain right here. That act has helped so many of us here. And I think you will find, as I have, this community is so very warm and loving. There is NOT much that would surprise or shock any of us... nope, not anymore.

So please... Dear B's sister... share your pain.

We all I think have learned how very much it can help to share it with others here.

Let us know what happened if you feel ready to do that or let us know what you are feeling or thinking. It really does help to share the pain.

Let us know how you are doing. We're here for ya.

XO

leeann

[missing B]

Thanks Leeann. I knew that I needed to find other people that have felt this kind of loss. My friends and family members have had different losses in their lives, but this sure does seem to take the cake.

It is so heart wrenching that she is gone. She was always right with me. Ive been looking through pictures and I never noticed it before but in our childhood photos she was standing right next to me or just behind me in so many of them. We are slowly going through her things. I found a box of photos she had and I wish I had been more involved with her after I went to college. She had pictures of so many places and things I didnt recognise. Mixed in with those she had photos of us together and my husband and son. It made me think how much she loved us. It also made me think that I didnt appreciate her enough. I took her for granted. and I feel awful for that.

Im sitting here typing one handed as I hold my new nephew, who looks so much like her. I was supposed to get to be closer to her after he arrived. She would come over after her nightshifts right after I had had my son and hold him for me so I could go shower (silly new mom I was). I was supposed to get to do the same thing for her now. I was supposed to be able to tell her all the best (my) ways to take care of him. I was supposed to get to argue with her over it all and still be able to hug each other and go home and see each other the next day and have lunch.

So many supposed to's. I guess I figured I had lots of time left to take care of those.

[katptrsn]

My heart and prayers go out to you. And a {{{{{{hug}}}}} too.

Sue