Maybe I Need Reassurance

[qbee817]

It has been a little over 6 months since the man I loved with all my heart passed away in my arms from a sudden, shocking death. He is still all I think about, from the moment I wake up in the morning until I'm going to sleep at night. He is constantly in the forefront of my thoughts...I find it hard to concentrate at work. Everywhere I go, it's like he should be there. When I'm with friends, I can barely pay attention to what they are saying because I'm thinking he should be here with us. We were not together very long, only 6 short months. I bothers me that he's been gone as long as we were together. It seems like yesterday and then again it seems like an eternity since he's been gone. We began our relationship a year ago, in December. All the Christmas lights, etc. make me yearn so bad for last year at this time, I can't stand it. I still cry all the time. Every night. I relive him dying over and over in my head, no matter how hard I try to stop it. I relive everything said and what was done. It's horrible. Then we I think of all the good things, it makes me miss him more..wondering what may have been. I have tried keeping a journal..I cry. Everything and anything reminds me of him. I daydream constantly about the things we did together...conversations word for word....remembering the wonderful, honest, open relationship we had. I miss that SO bad. Even when I'm trying to have a nice time with friends, I have the constant, nagging sadness in me. I guess I just need reassurance that others feel the same as me. I have lost my mother and other family members but I never had the grief (I grieved, don't misunderstand) that I'm experiencing now. It is unbearable, I want him back so bad....I sob and want to just scream. Is it normal to daydream of him constantly? Sometimes it's the only peace I have....thinking of him and how wonderful he was to me. Any help, advice, comments will be so much appreciated. My prayers are with all of you.

Vicki

[MartyT]

My dear Vicki,

The pain you describe is palpable, and I’m so very sorry for your loss.

You ask whether it is normal to daydream constantly about your love, while at the same time you acknowledge that “sometimes it’s the only peace I have.”

It seems to me that you know instinctively that remembering your beloved is the only way you have now of making sense of and finding meaning in the very brief time the two of you had together.

Unfortunately we live in a “get over it” and “move on with life” culture that leaves us thinking that in order to accept the reality of death, we have to stop loving the person who has died. And yet we never stop loving, thinking about, and remembering those whom we’ve loved and lost. Death ends a life, but it does not end our relationship with the person who has died. It changes it, it makes it different, it requires that over time we learn a new way of loving – in absence rather than in presence – but death does not erase or cancel a relationship. I think you daydream about your love because on some level you know you don’t want to forget him, and you have every right to remember him. In the words of Thomas Attig, “Consciously remembering those who have died is the key that opens our hearts, that allows us to love them in new ways.”

Difficulty concentrating at work is typical and normal at this point in your grief journey. You might try picking a certain time at the end of your day, in the privacy of your own home, where it is safe and appropriate to “give in” to your grief. Think about and construct some sort of commemorative ritual, which can be as simple as writing in a journal, lighting a candle, listening to music or filling a vase with flowers, and use that time for deliberately thinking about and remembering your beloved. Pick a time with a set beginning and an ending, with no outside interruptions, which will give you some sense of control over the “when, where and how” of expressing your feelings.

Another way to get in touch with your feelings is to visit the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site and read some of the touching and beautiful words that are posted there. Here is but one example, which comes to mind because it expresses so beautifully what I am hoping for you now:

. . . As the months pass and the seasons change,

something of tranquility descends,

and although the well-remembered footstep

does not sound again,

nor the voice call from the room beyond,

there seems to be about one in the air

an atmosphere of love,

a living presence.

I say this in no haunting sense;

ghosts and phantoms are far from my mind.

It is as though one shared,

in some indefinable manner,

the freedom and the peace,

even at times the joy,

of another world where there is no more pain.

It is not a question of faith or of belief.

It is not necessary to be a follower

of any religious doctrine

to become aware of what I mean.

It is not the prerogative of the devout.

The feeling is simply there,

pervading all thought, all action.

When Christ the healer said,

“Blessed are they that mourn,

for they shall be comforted,”

he must have meant just this.

Later, if you go away, if you travel,

even if you decide to make your home elsewhere,

the spirit of tenderness, of love,

will not desert you.

You will find that it has become part of you,

rising from within yourself;

and because of it

you are no longer fearful

of loneliness, of the dark,

because death,

the last enemy,

has been overcome.

— Daphne du Maurier

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[qbee817]

Dear Marty,

Thank you so much for responding to my post. It means alot and is reassuring to me that I'm not being too hard on myself or torturing myself.

I do take time every day as you suggested. I have done this almost every evening since he passed away, but alot of the time I get overwhelmed with emotion at any time of the day, no matter where I am or what I am doing. The other night I had company, I was having a nice time. I felt the sadness creeping in and after awhile I just excused myself into another room to be alone. My best friend was here, she knew what was wrong and came into to be with me. I try to control it and at times I just can't. It overwhelms me no matter how hard I try (I fight to control it when I'm around friends, etc.)

I do write in a journal and the writings always turn into letters that I would write to him. I have been going to a support group since July but they only meet once a month. But I do love going and look forward to it. I'm especially looking forward to next week's since I'm having such a hard time right now. I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but it was this time last year that we became close, so all the lights, etc. are bringing back how happy and excited I was this time last year.

Again, thank you for writing to me and the website has been a comfort to me when I'm alone.

Vicki