Lost

[Jeritol]

My dad past away on April 25th from leukemia at the age of 60. My dad was my whole world and I still cannot believe he is gone. I wake up every day in shock and begin to think about him and that he is not here. I struggle through the day and when I get done with work I almost become paralyzed again. I feel lost and don't know what to do with myself. The images of the day he past, watching him pass and the last supper I had with him stick in my head and keep replaying over and over just as clear as day.

The worst for me is the fact that I got wrapped up in my own life that I never took the time to go and see him. I have three kids he only briefly knows because of my selfishness. He always invited us over for a BBQ and we never went. I was always worried about how much gas it would cost because we lived about an hour away. Before I got married and had kids I spent a lot of time with him along with my brother. My dad coached me and my brother when we played soccer and was always willing to help us and pick us and brush us off. I remember when I had that last supper with him in the hospital he asked me why is he being punished and I told him God does not punish.

We were very tight!

Now I will have to carry this cross for the rest of my life.

God, I miss him so much!!

Now that I think about my dad and what he said about being punished I almost have to wonder if he does punish?

[emptyinside]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've come to the conclusion that God does punish. It's the only explanation for this void and pain I feel without my daddy in this world.

[DebFromLodi]

God does not punish us. We punish ourselves. And every single person has gone through the stages of regrets. I still go through it after the loss of my mom (my life) and it has been over a year. Why did i not go see her the Friday before she died? I don't even want to get going on those regrets right now. i want to concentrate on you.

Just remember that we can not go back and change anything. We have to deal with our pasts the best we can. Had you known he was going to die, you would have visited more often. I remember when i was moved out of my mom's house. She walked me to the car after i visited her and she started crying and hugged me and said "Come home." I would give ANYTHING in the world to go back to that day. I wish i could move back home with her. OK now i am crying, just rememebering the way she begged me and i drove away. You see my point? Everyone goes through regrets, but we learn to deal with them and try hard not to do what i just did to myself.

I will pray for you and God to give you strength.

[emptyinside]

Hugs to both of you.

[DebFromLodi]

Empty: you hang in there ok? We are all here for eachother, and that is important.