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First Time Decorating With Out Mom

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Yes I know x-mas is supposed to be for the kids & oh so fun.

That is why I feel so bad.

You see last year was my 1st x-mas without mom, but I was staying with my sister, so I did not have to decorate at all. Now this year I have a home of my own & bringing out all of the decorations was really hard.

I have so many that I got from my mom, that the kids got from her, as I handed them to the children to put on the tree I cried & remembered each & every one. With all of my crying, my poor children kept asking mommy why are you crying? Christams is supposed to be a happy time. Grandma would want us to be happy. But then by the end of the box of tree ornaments, & a box of kleenex, my kids were in my arms crying too.

I am so sorry I made them feel so sad. What was I to do? I could not hold it in, it all just hit me like a ton of bricks.

We all sat & held eachother for almost an hour & did nothing but talk about Grandma. Then they both went their own ways, they still had tears in their eyes.

Man I feel so bad they both even went to bed crying.

The last thing I ever want to do is hurt my children. That is why I always wait till they are at school or in bed & then I sit & cry & think about mom.

This is the 1st time since her services that I have done this.

I feel like such a bad mom.

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My first Christmas was less than 2 mos after losing my Mom. I decorated

even as I wanted to pretend Christmas was nothing important. Last year,

I finally got decorations up, and the tree stayed up until March. sad.gif I had

no desire to even take it down, and my sweet husband looked the other


My daughter moved home a couple of weeks ago, so I've put her

tree up, and left all of my decorations in storage. Normally, I would have

all kinds of nativity sets out, a Christmas village, & anything I could,

to make it feel Christmasy.

I feel so bad, it seems that I should be doing better, instead of worse. I think I did it before just to keep going, but this year, I'm only doing anything I do for my 16 yr old daughter.

And, Mom, God love her, continued to buy for her grown, married children, as if they were still at home. She said that we were here children, and who else would she buy for, if not for us. It wasnt the gifts, it was the fact that Mom had so much fun shopping for us.

I went out on my own Saturday, to shop for my daughters, and ended up sitting in a little deli eating a sandwich, alone. I usually would never do this, so then, it hit me in the gut, that Mom would have been sitting across from me, and we would have been having a great time, laughing and visiting and discussing what to buy everyone.

I dont think its terrible at all to be human, and I'm sure your children understand that you are missing your Mom. I'm like you. I hate

for my children to feel sad right now, but its worse to hold the tears in.

Perhaps it's a good thing for them to learn that it is okay to be sad, yet

be able to continue on with life and learn to be happy again? I never

understood how badly my MOm was missing HER Mom until I lost my own.

A couple of weeks before Mom passed away, she said to me that she

would give anything if she could talk to her Mom again.

I know I've rambled on, I guess Mom is so much on my mind and there is

actually no one to tell how I feel. I know everyone here understands. My

siblings are no longer a part of my life, which is so crazy in itself, but that

is just the way it has become. My husband is very supportive, but he has

lost both of his parents, and seems to handle it so well, that I feel silly

when I tell him how horribly I miss mine.

My prayers will be with you, and I feel certain that you are a wonderful

Mom. If you weren't, you wouldnt even be worrying about how your

children are feeling.

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