My Son's Senseless Death

[JonKoisMom]

My name is Kathy. I think for me, right now, the worst part of Jon's death, is the not knowing exactly what happened. We got so many conflicting stories about where he was, who he was with, etc. Jon was 37 years old and had Cerebral Palsy from birth. He was very intelligent but he required help with almost everything he did. Eating, bathrooming, showering, etc. Yet he was and wanted to be very independent. He drove his electric wheelchair to church and rode a bus to the library.

He had recently gone into a group home after years of having his own apartment with Providers. From this Group Home, he was taken to another facility for a Day activity(this is where the part about having no info begins) where someone took him out to eat. While eating, he choked on food and went down. We were told that he was totally brain dead and that his heart had stopped for 9 minutes. Because it only took 4 minutes of his heart stopping at birth to put him in the physical condition of the Cerebral Palsy, we made the decision that we had to let him go. His death is currently under investigation by MEO.

I stayed with Jon from the time I got to the hopital until he died. Through the many trials of this life, I've become what others call a very strong person. I'm generally not a person that cries. In my life, my tears have usually been due to overwhelming frustration where I just couldn't take anymore. This is the 2nd one of my children I've buried. 2 deposits in Heaven! One of my other sons, Noah, died 28 yrs. ago at the age of 7 weeks from SIDS. I know the grieving process and I also know that this is very hard on the rest of my family. I have 2 sons, 34 & 27 and a daughter 24, all of which live at home. I felt I needed to find my support elsewhere because we all grieve differently. I work full time plus overtime and this looks like the best option.

To me, I am a Christian and Jon was too, so I beleive he is Home Free and able to do all those things in Heaven that he could never do here in his body but I'm still his Mom and I miss him so very much already! I feel like I've been in a Protective bubble and it is starting to deflate. I know a lot of things about grief but my Knower doesn't always help. The difference between the "Head" and "Heart". Thanks for listening.

[MartyT]

My dear Kathy,

Your statement that you have “two deposits in Heaven” touched my heart, and I’m so very sorry that you’ve endured one of the most difficult of losses a parent can experience ~ not once, but twice. As a mother whose baby died shortly after he was born (and following what we thought was a normal pregnancy and delivery), I know firsthand the agony of loving and losing a baby. As a mother of two grown sons, I simply cannot imagine the agony of losing one of my adult children to death. My heart bleeds for you, and I hope you’ll accept my deepest sympathy.

Your need to know exactly what happened to your son is completely understandable, and it reminds me of what another of our members experienced when her son was killed in a tragic accident. You may find it helpful to read through all the posts in this mother’s thread: Death of My Son, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=38

Struggling with what you know in your head and what you feel in your heart is normal, too. See also this thread: Grief and Atheism, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?show...amp;#entry13559

I know through reading your other posts on our site that since you joined us, you have reached out to several other members with compassion and love, and for that you have my respect and admiration. I hope that in return, you will find among all of us the comfort and support you need and deserve, too.

Kathy, my baby David was loved from the moment he was conceived, and it does not matter that his time on this earth was so brief ~ I’ve always thought of him as my precious angel, but now I will think of him as my own “deposit in heaven” too. Thank you so much for giving me that very beautiful image!

[JonKoisMom]

Marty,

Thank you for your response. It came at a good time as my son, David, and I just came from the cemetary. We were placing an order for Jon's headstone. We are having the words Home Free put on it because he can walk,run, dance,talk, and everything else he was not able to do in his earthly body but we still miss him so much. As each day goes by the reality sets in a little deeper. Thanks again for making me feel welcome here.