Surprising Flashbacks

[AnnieO]

Today I had a flashback that I havent thought about since my mom died. It took my breath away and led to a grief burst, but I feel better about it tonight. It was like I went back in time and I was wide awake. When my mom was in the nursiing home, starting all the meds, she had such a horrible time...days of no sleep, hallucinations...etc. One of the side effects was , she was so jittery and could not keep her body still. My dad wanted her to just lay in bed and rest. I knew she couldnt, so everyday when it was my time to stay with her , I let her stand up, sit down, lay down, walk or what-ever , as often as she needed to. The memory I had was helping her into a wheelchair and going all over the nursing home, going up to the snack machines and getting something(which she never ate) and then we would go watch the birds in this huge cage . I did this so many times a night...and tonight as I sit here alone, missing her...I am so glad I did it. I am so glad I never said no or tried to talk her out of it. Sometimes I would just get her back in bed and she would need to move again..so off we would go on our "tour"...it makes me cry to think of it, but good tears because I was able to help her during those long , sad nights. This all just came flooding back to me today, I had forgotten those times. I remember her face when she would tell me she needed to move and how relieved she was when I would just smile and start helping her get up and comfortable. Thanks for listening.

[DebFromLodi]

Good for you and how good you were to your mom. I know I think back now to all the days i went to the "home" to visit my mom, even when i really did not want to go. I am so grateful now that I did go as much as i did (thought now of course I wish i would have gone even more). As I read what you wrote, I could actually "feel" exactly what you are feeling now. Thank you for sharing.

[AnnieO]

Hi Deb,

I am glad you understood, its hard to explain. I think so often we beat ourselves up with all the "should have, could have , would haves"...so it was such a nice feeling to realize during those nights, I did everything I could and it made her feel a little better , even for a moment. How are you doing these days?

[Carla Dee]

Hi Deb and Annie,

I know just how both of you feel.. My husband and I lived with my parents for the last 5 years. We all moved in together to help my parents out because step father had Parkinsons and mom had suddenly lost her vision. My father passed away about a year after we moved in together. We helped him in the last stage of life with Hospice at home.. I was so very thankful that I lived there and got to share those last days with him and help mom thru it. I thought it was the hardest thing I had to do.. Mom was a very strong willed woman and she didn't want me or anyone to help her very much even though she was blind.. We had many wonderful weekends, months and even years after he passed and then on February 2nd 2008 she kept complaining of not being able to catch her breath.. We called the Doctor and she ordered mom to the emergency room.. Well, about 2 hours later that had diagnosed her with lung cancer.. I just about fell on the floor when they told me.. I couldn't believe they could diagnose that quickly - they had to be wrong.. Mom hardly even got a cold or the flu so how could this be..

Well, she did have lung cancer and it was very aggressive! She had the fluid drained off of her lung and went thru a very painful surgery to keep the fluid off.. The doctor wanted her to go straight into Chemo.. We are into natural medicine and the Cancer Dr. agreed to let us take mom to see a naturopathic doctor along with the Chemo.. I don't think she wanted to do either but she went to both to see if it would help. She was such a trooper and she was stronger then the big tough guys.. She was on a very aggressive treatment for about 5 months and the Dr. thought she was in remission.. That lasted about 3 months.. We were all so excited and thought she had beaten the beast! She assured me and the others that she did not want to go thru that again.. The cancer came back and this time she was beaten..We had hospice at home again but this time it was MOM.. I had to hang onto every ounce of strength I had and sometimes I just wanted to sleep.. When she showed signs that she didn't want to wake me I knew I had to suck it up- no whining.. Caregiving is not a taught skill but you learn as you go.. Having Hospice at the house both times was the only way that we wanted for our parents.. Being the main caregiver made it hard for me because I wanted to be in control but you can only stay up so many hours... It was so hard watching her suffer even though she tried to not let it show.. You know as a caregiver that you can't hide it even if you want to..

Mom passed away March 4th. 2009 almost exactly one year from her diagnosis.. Ironically, my step father passed away February 4 and as you may recall she was diagnosed on February 2nd.. Yea, it was a few years after he passed but now the hard part is reality for all of us! I keep having those flashbacks too and I still can't believe they are gone! It doesn't seem like it really happened and it definitely doesn't feel like it has been 5 months since she passed..

We are in the process of selling her house and dealing with family issues which seem to make it even more final! I miss having mom to reach out to and touch her hair like I did that last month.. I'm so very thankful that I was living with her and able to spend so much time with her. I felt that I was given a gift when she gave life to me when I was born and in turn I was fortunate enough to be with her as she slipped onto the other side..

So, you see we all have very much in common we were all FANTASTIC Caregivers and I know in my heart my mom loved sharing those last nights with me even if I whined a little.. I'm sure both of your moms were just as grateful and we are not perfect- smile.. Well, maybe a little.. Hang in there and thanks for letting me write a book.. Your Co-Caregiver Friend

[DebFromLodi]

Carla: my mom died the day your mom was diagnosed. Strange...Feb 2, 2008 at 11:34 a.m. we all gathered around her bed as she slipped away. My thoughts at that time were "Mom, you were with each one of us kids when we came into the world. Today we were all with you when you left this world."

It has been a year and a half and i miss her so very very much. I love her more than words can say. She was my life. She taught me everything and her love never faded no matter what i did.

My daughter and I take her flowers on the 2nd of every month. She was 91 years old and i was fortunate enough to have had almost 57 years with her. I just wish I could dream about her, to talk to her and have her tell me how much she loves me. If i do dream of her, i can never remember them.

But I am doing pretty well considering. The hole in my heart will never be filled, but that is ok. I love you Mom and I miss you so much. Someday....we will be together again.

I pray for everyone who comes to this site, to find peace and comfort.

[Carla Dee]

Deb,

Wow, our situation was very similar.. So much I felt like I wrote to myself! Four out of five of her kids were at the bedside along with a slew of Grandkids and her youngest sister the morning she passed away.. I kept hoping that she wouldn't suffer or struggle but she had told us all farewell about 7 days prior to the end and I think that was when mom left us.. She had a very high fever at the very end when the hospice nurse finally made it to the house.. He stayed there up until the end and I was grateful for that. She had that death rattle and that was hard to see her like that.. I still can hear that sound but I try not to focus on that because it was horrible! My father never did that and I wasn't prepared to deal with that with mom but we got thru it.. Our family is very strong and we all know why that is - because she was strong as a bull! She used to brag that she was as healthy as a horse but once she was diagnosed with Cancer I turned it around and teased her telling her she was as strong as a bull! Funny how you said that you were fortunate enough to spend so many years together because one day before she passed I told her that I was scared and sad that she was so sick. She held my hand and squeezed it tight and told me how fortunate we were to have shared all of our lives together and that many mothers and daughters had not been so fortunate. Leave it to her to be rational-smile..

I too miss my mom and step father a lot but I still feel there spirit where ever I go. They made an imprint on my life and I let her know that she was the best mom a daughter could ever have.. I feel there are a lot of advantages to having hospice at home but you have to be really strong for them. I remember that night before she said her goodbyes and she was very sick, I had to give her medicine in the middle of the night. She was having such a hard time taking the medicine because of the infection - I bent on one knee next to the bed and began to cry and pray.. I told her that I wasn't sure I could go on and she squeezed my hand and told me I was doing a great job.. I had a lot of help in the end but the nights were mainly just her and I. That's when I spent a lot of time holding her and rubbing her back and hair.. I'm so thankful that I spent those last hours helping her. I also agree the void will never go away because she was my mom.. Thanks for sharing it was nice! Carla

[DebFromLodi]

There are four of us kids and actually just my brother John was home taking a shower when my mom left us. He was about 5 min late but there is a reason for everything. Grandchildren were also around her bed. She was in a convalescent hospital following knee surgery. The first rehab she went to kept her so drugged, she never did recover nor walk again which is I think why the fluid kept building around her heart. I just thank God she was non responsive during all this. It was like she was totally asleep, and yes I heard the death rattle, though I did not know that is what it was at the time. A year prior to this, something similiar happened to her and she was taken to the hospital and given a blood transfusion and did recover. of course she had to go back to the home and sit in that wheel chair 24/7, whlich was no life for her. But she was alive and that gave us all a full year to spend with her, before this happened. Of course we did not know it was going to ever happen again, but this time, we just let her go.

But time has been good to all of us. It truly does heal all. It never stops the love and missing though. Just makes it more bearable.

[AnnieO]

Carla,

Your post sounded alot like my nights with my mom. Even if I had been with her during the day, I would go home, eat dinner and think about going to bed. Often, I would find msyelf getting back in the car and driving back to see her. I can still see her face when I walked back into her room at night...she did the same thing everytime...a huge smile, her eyes would tear up and she would say, "you are such a good daughter"...and everytime I hugged her and said, "and you are such a good mom"...then we would laugh and cry! Often she would reach up and twirl my hair, its funny, I find myself twirling my hair now, something I never did before. I remember there was a horrible period where she was trying to adjust to all the meds, she couldnt sleep for days and days, we ended up hiring a nurse to sit with her at night so I could get a little sleep. One morning I got there about 5am and I could tell my mom had been up all night and she was crying, she cried so hard when she saw me and said, "oh, you found me, I didn't think you would be able to find me" (the meds caused hallucinations). She said, "they wouldn't let me call you" I asked the nurse and she said, "well, she wanted to call you all night"...I called the agency, I posted signs all over my mom's room, HUGE signs with iinstructions that my mom could call me ANYTIME, as often as she wanted. And some nights she called me every few mintues, all night long. Talking about all of this , makes me feel better, it reminds me that I tried with my whole heart to help my mom , in the only way I knew how....I loved her and she knew it.

[Carla Dee]

Dear Annie and Deb,

Wow, we all have sooooo much in common it isn't funny.. Deb, I have a brother named John too isn't that a hoot... Annie, I do know what you mean about writing and talking about all of this makes it seem a little easier.. I remember those first few months I walked around numb and feeling like someone beat the crud out of me.. Thank goodness I have a lot of family and friend support.. I also have a wonderful job that allowed me to stay home with mom pretty much the last two months of her life. That was the best used vacation I ever had.. Not that it was paradise but I wouldn't change being able to spend all of that time with her. We lived in the same house so I didn't have to fight with the nurses because I was the nurse- tee hee.. I have a cousin that's a nurse and she would come over in the mornings that I went into work and she was wonderful. We had charts and mom was so stubborn she didn't take any drugs until about a month before she passed awey and then I had to fight her to take anything. The hospice nurses couldn't belive that she wasn't taking any meds other then Excedrine Migraine. She sure was one tough cookie!!!

Once the Cancer went to her brain she started seeing small children every where and she talked to them but I don't think they talked back. It was funny one day I was helping her into the shower and she stopped and told me not to take off her clothes because there was a little boy in the room. I asked her to show me where and I asked him to leave. I guess he did because she did wind up taking a shower.

It was much different with my mom going thru Hospice then when my father was with Hospice because she wasn't taking a lot of medication and she was very aware of what was going on. She tried to let on that everything was going to be okay but I knew better. Like I said being the caregiver it's hard to hide pain all of the time.. She used to crack me up when people would call or come over she would put on such a brave face- I know that was because she didn't want people feeling sorry for her or anyone to worry about her..

She was able to take showers and everything up until the last week. Well, the eating started first and then she really started getting weak. It was just about 1.5 weeks prior to passing I helped her out of bed to use the restroom and I almost had to carry her. My aunt came in the room and we got her into the stall when she busted out crying and thats when my aunt and I knew she had been defeated! I ran to get her medicine while my aunt and mom rocked in each others arms. As I put my mom back into bed she said goodbye Carla and I couldn't believe it was the end. She asked me to make sure the other kids knew she loved them very much. Well, it didn't take long and all of the grandkids living here and the all of my siblings but the one in Florida came to the house. She hadn't ate much in quite a few days at this point but she asked for Chocolate and I searched for something chocolate. I pinched a small piece off and her mouth was so dry it just stuck to her lips. She proceeded to give everyone chocolate kisses. That was the last day that she really talked to us. It was about a week later and she was gone.. It's been 5 months and it seems like I'm finally able to get thru the day without aching and crying a lot. I still miss mom emencely but I have to be strong just like she was- smile.. I will always love her and my stepfather and I know in my heart they are always with me where ever I go. I'm sure you both feel the same! Life goes on.. Carla

P.S. The photo is of Mom on New Years just two months prior to her passing..

[DebFromLodi]

My mom used to see little kids all the time (from the meds I guess). I always believed they were angels watching over her. She always asked where the baby was, then i guess she found it. Reading your posts brings back so many memories. I just found out today that my aunt (not blood related, but the last person from my dad's generation) passed away 2 days ago. And the 17th of this month will be 30 years since my dad died. My family is sure getting small. My mom still has 1 brother and 5 sisters living but they are all back east and i wish they were closer. I wish I would have gone to see my aunt more, i should have known since she was 96. I hate regrets. I just always think there is always tomorrow, and there isn't.

[Carla Dee]

Deb,

Sorry to hear about your Aunt.. It's times like these that bring back memories of your mom. I know one of my aunt by marriage just passed away too. I helped my cousins in their grieving process.. Mom was one out of 9 and now there is only 3 girls left. The oldest one is 93. I always thought my mom would have lived long like her mother but she passed just before she turned 80. She was still very young even though she was sick. In talking with the hospice nurse she said it was a common thing that people see and that it is part of the process. Mom also talked as though she had spoke with her mom and many of the others that have passed. The hospice nurse also said that was common. After taking care of both of my parents at home I do feel that hopefully when the time comes I will get to see them on the other side.. I'm sure your aunt had many people with her as she passed also and you shouldn't feel bad because you weren't there... We do what we have to and that's just how it is.. Hope you are having a great day and it's always nice to hear from you. Carla

[AnnieO]

My mom saw small children too! Some mornings she would smile and tell me "it was hard to sleep, so many children running back and forth and laughing"...she was never upset by it.

[DebFromLodi]

I honestly believe God sends little angels to watch over them. When people get older, they love children, so he sends what they love.

[Carla Dee]

Hi Deb and Annie,

Speaking of Angels.. Just a few weeks after mom passed I was taking a shower and I looked over and seen a beautiful golden angel. I couldn't believe my eyes. I had taken many a shower in that room and never seen that angel. I called my husband in because I knew no one would believe me and he agreed that it was definitely there. I ran and got my camera and took a photo because mom would always encourage me to take photos to show everyone. I wanted you two to see in case you didn't see it in one of the other forum's here. We have since moved from that house but I know mom is still with me in spirit and will always be next to me.. Hope you enjoy.. Carla