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4 Months Of Mothers Death


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HEllow my far away friends.today is 4 months since my mother died.Thinking back to the pass almost 3 years I feel I did nit give much love and care to my mother cauce I was so depressed after my love died.MY mother was 90 but healthy and needed more atension and company that I was not able to ofer .She kept telling me that she will not be here for ever .I now read some letters she wrote that are so full of dispair asking my dead father to call her in heaven and I feel I was part of her despairation.I try hard to go on with my life and not give troubles to my children but both losses hurt.Yiany is the center of my grief and my mother hurts less .Is that normal? thank you my friends TENY

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Teny - I do think it is normal. My mother is gone too, 9 years now, and when Joe died it somehow brought my grief for her right up to the surface. We grieve differently for a parent, and a spouse, but we grieve so very much for both of them. When we get married, and make our lives together, we're connected and entwined in a way that's so very different than being a child. We kind of expect that our parents will die first, but not our spouses. Please don't feel guilty - I know you loved your mother, and Yiany, with the fullness of your heart. I think your mother understood, as she was living her own life, and grieving in her own way. Hugs!!! Marsha

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Teny,

Yes it is very normal. Each loss that we have is different depending upon the relationship, our place in life when it occurred, and the depth of the relationship, plus how intricately our lives were intertwined. With a spouse, you are affected on more levels than with most relationships because you are not only affected in your heart, but your everyday activities...your husband contributed 1/2 of your financial support, chores, was there for you every morning, every evening so you shared your day's moments with him. Your husband was not only your best friend, but your lover. Your husband was the one you co-parented with and planned on spending your old age with. Your husband is the one who could almost complete your thoughts and sentences. With a parent, it is also special, but different, they shared a unique history with you, having been there as you were a baby, a child, a teenager, and from time to time, as an adult. They are the one you called on when you needed to know something, and they had that feeling of connectivity with you, the history you continued as a family. With a parent, you lose your roots, and that sense of unconditional love that most parents hold for their children...you don't replace that with anyone else. It is common to feel different with each loss and they aren't meant to compare...but with a new loss, a previous loss resurfaces as there are striking similarities and it all comes back afresh. It won't STAY like that, with time you will become more accustomed to it, but give yourself time...you have suffered a double blow. And above all, don't try to beat yourself up for not being there for your mother more at her end of life...it would not have appeased her missing her husband. Your mother is where she longed to be, with her husband that she missed so much, and she no longer has the struggles of this life. You are where you need to be, with kids and grandchildren who need you still. A person doesn't have to be religious to enjoy the book of Ecclesiastes...to everything there is a season.

Your feelings are very valid, Teny, but it will get better.

Love,

Kay

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Teny - - Marsha and Kay are right. We grieve differently for our parents than we do our spouse. I lost my mother at 91 three years before I lost Stephen. I miss my mother terribly, but the grief is not the same as I experienced (and still experience) when Stephen died. My heart goes out to you. You must not blame yourself for not being more with your mother. The grief you experienced when Yiani died was all and more than you could handle. Just remember, they are both in your heart and will always be there.

Kathy

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And Teny...your mother would understand. After all, she's been through it too. I hope it starts getting better for you, I'm really sorry you're hurting so much. (((hugs)))

Kay

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Dear far away friends thank you for your support.I have been away for 4 days and it was good to enjoy a beautiful island.Comink back last night grief hit again.Double loss and especialy thinking about my life with Yiany was a torture.I miss him sooo much as all of you are missing their other half and life that is gone.I hope that maybe a day comes that I can handle my broken heart and find joy in life again.Love TENY

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We hope so too, Teny! (((hugs!)))

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