I Feel Responsible, And Now She's Gone....

[quink42]

I just signed up here today, and I don't know if I can even write this because of all the tears......I gave my precious 7 year old toy poodle Midgy what I heard from the butcher was a 'safe' bone, and after that, she developed pancreatitis, and then the vet thought she either abcessed, or she had a bone fragment pierce the bowel. Either way, she died in 3 days. I'm just so full of 'if onlys', and I can't quit crying about it. I just adored her......and the guilt I feel for 'giving in' and giving her the bone is unbearable. It's been over a month since she died, and I just can't begin to heal yet.....and wonder how long it will take before I can 'move on' with my life. I'm a female senior citizen, and lived alone with her....she was my life......

I even bought another dog, but so far that hasn't helped much, tho the new puppy does take up a lot of my time. I'm afraid to love her like I did Midgy, because it hurts soooooo bad. Maybe I should have waited till I felt better, but I just don't know when that will happen. Any help out there will be more than appreciated........

[Kavish]

Hi,

I lived at my friend's who had a miniature poodle called Gilby. He lives now with my friends' daughter in law. I think of him and can understand what you are going through. Poodles are so divine and they know everything, as I am sure almost every animal does. It wasn't your fault. I convey to you my sincere wishes that you don't blame yourself and Midgy would know how much you cared.

Kavish

[quink42]

Thank you so much for replying, Kavish. I know this is a day to day process, but I really thought my new puppy would sort of hasten the healing. She's adorable and very playful, and her name is Kaylee. But I just can't get over Midgy. Maybe I just expected a miracle.

As I continue chatting on here, perhaps I'll find out that others have grieved for long periods of time, and then I won't feel so alone. Midgy was my 3rd dog, and being a poodle, as you said, she seemed a lot more 'humanish' than the others. They are just different!!! I'm sure each and every person on here feels the same about their own dog, but of the 3 I had, she was definitely the most devoted and bonded to me.....

[Kavish]

My friend too had 3 poodles! one after another. The first one was toy poodle called Jamai. Very intelligent and would follow a hot air balloon if he could all over the block, sadly one day he did get out of the backyard on to the streets, and crossed over to the road where he was struck by a city bus. He was 6 years old. The 2nd poodle, a miniature, called Jamai-II ate grass sprayed with pesticide and died too. He was 11 years old. Then she had Gilby who would just be so nice and patient, but alas he loved the sweets we gave him and lost his eye sight, but not his patience and sense of caring. He would know when I was going to give him a needle for his diabetes and would not move so that I could give it to him. Dogs are the best.

Kavish

[smiley]

My heart and prayers goes out to you. I truly understand what you are going through when it cames to the emotions and feelings that you are expereincing right now. I lost Peppers 5 years ago due to cancer and the emotions that I went through was the same ones that you are feeling now. It felt like my heart had been shattered in a million pieces and had been ripped out of me. I cried for weeks afterwards. She was my four legged child and my whole life. I also second guessed myself on if I should have waited to make that decision to euthanize her. I did adopt 2 new four legged children shortly afterwards because I could not stand coming home to a empty house. Time has helped to heal the pain and hurt in losing her even through I still miss her a lot. I know now that I did the right thing for her because I could not let her suffering to continue. I really beleive in the Rainbow Bridge poem that says that she is waiting on the other side for me. I hope these words of understanding and encouragement has helped you in your time of grief and loss.

[quink42]

Smiley, can I ask you how long it took you before you quit crying all the time? Midgy died on August 7th, and every time I think about it, it's like it JUST HAPPENED, and it's now September 18th. I just read a book on dealing with pet loss, and my daughter sent me another one that I'll start reading tomorrow. I'm a Christian, so unless the new book gives the Christian viewpoint, I probably won't read it. I have to believe that Midgy is with God now, and that I'll see her again one of these days.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. It's good to know that there are others out there who know how I feel. In my own experience, most people don't seem to grieve as much as I have with my baby, and I almost wish I were them! Life would be easier.......but I guess I'm stuck with who I am......

[MartyT]

Dear One, I'm so sorry to learn of the sudden, unexpected death of your beloved toy poodle Midgy, and I hope you can feel our collective arms around you as we offer you our comfort and support.

Since you're looking for a book about pet loss that comes from the Christian perspective, I'd like to recommend to you a newly published book that I've just finished reading: Why We Love Them So: Surviving the Loss of an Animal Friend, by Father Paul A. Keenan. (Click on the title and you can read Amazon's description and reviews.) From the book's back cover: Father Paul Keenan (1946-2008) was a popular author and columnist of soulful inspiration, veteran radio host, and priest for over 31 years. He served as a parish priest in New York City, and was foster parent, friend, and humble slave to six kitties and two dogs, six for whom he grieved. This man's writing is gentle, loving and compassionate, and his love for animal companions is palpable. I found his words very comforting and healing, and I think that you will, too.

I also encourage you to read some of the articles listed on the Pet Loss Articles page of my Grief Healing Web site. See especially Loss and the Burden of Guilt.

[quink42]

Marty, THANK YOU SO MUCH for giving me some sites and a book I could go to. I appreciate it more than I can say.......this has been the worst pain I've had to deal with since my father died 21 years ago!! And so few people I've talked to really seem to understand. But I'm finding that this website is becoming a Godsend to me!!! It really is.......THANKS AGAIN!

[smiley]

I cried for several weeks after losing Peppers. It was a pain that was so deep and one that I had never experienced before. I am also a Christian so I understand your struggle about seeing your beloved pet again. I really beleive in the Rainbow Bridge poem about our beloved pets waiting for us on the other side of the bridge. It says in the Bible that Heaven will be a happy place for us because our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy there. That is why I have so much hope that my Peppers is waiting for me there because that is what would make me happy there. I agree that most people just do not understand the deep pain because they have never had that deep bond with a animal or never thought of their pets as their four legged children. Peppers was my four legged child. I am glad that I was able to help and do not hestitant to ask me any other questions. We have to be here to support each other through these difficult and painful times.

[quink42]

I am very sorry for your own loss of Peppers too! What breed of dog was he? I have a friend in California who has a doggy named Pepper, and he told me he didn't know what he'd do if he lost him.......I will certainly tell him about this wonderful site!!! It is really helping to know there are others out there who know how I feel. In my apartment building, until recently, there were only 2 of us who had a dog out of all 48 tenants!!! That amazes me......because I can't imagine any kind of real happiness without a doting pet! Did you get another dog? If so, how long did you wait? I only waited 3 days to get another one that someone here in my own home town didn't want. I know that might sound waaaaay too soon to many people, but at least she has taken my mind off my grief for brief periods of time, and has even made me laugh out loud at some of her antics. So it wasn't too soon for ME!!! I didn't just WANT another dog, I NEEDED one to keep my sanity. It doesn't make me feel guilty any more that Midgy might think she's been replaced (and I know that's silly) because I know that Midgy would want me to be as happy as she is now with our Creator, and it's that belief that keeps me going.......by the way, it seemed to me that our Lord KNEW I needed another doggy because when I checked in our local paper, there was a toy poodle that a family didn't want because they already had a boxer, and I guess they didn't get along. I told the husband what had happened to my other doggy, and how I was just about flat broke, and he sold me this new one for only $175, with papers!!! I immediately took her to the vet and had her checked out, and the vet said she was perfect. I know how fortunate I am since I got her, because she is only 4 months old now and completely house broken to wee wee pads. Since I live on the 3rd floor of our building, taking her out all the time to do her business is virtually impossible. For the first few weeks, I had to follow her constantly to be sure she understood where she was to go, but she caught on!!!!! So I AM thankful, and I know she will help me heal. God is good......all the time. We just don't know why things happen, but luckily, He does, and if we stay in tune with Him, He'll always be there. I think this experience has given me more faith......I know I pray more now!!! Life's lessons are never easy, are they?????

[quink42]

Hi,

I lived at my friend's who had a miniature poodle called Gilby. He lives now with my friends' daughter in law. I think of him and can understand what you are going through. Poodles are so divine and they know everything, as I am sure almost every animal does. It wasn't your fault. I convey to you my sincere wishes that you don't blame yourself and Midgy would know how much you cared.

Kavish

[quink42]

Kavish, have you ever had a dog of your own? You mentioned friends' dogs, but didn't say if you had one. Or did you just kind of consider your friends' dogs your own too? I do that....have a friend who has the sister to my Midgy, and I feel like she's sorta my dog too! Her dog is in rather poor health too, so she read the same book I did on pet grieving before she really needs it! I dread to think how she'll feel when her dog dies, because I know her well and her dog means as much to her as mine did to me......

[smiley]

Peppers was half cocker spaniel. I got her from a local pet shop and they only knew the breed of the mother dog who was a cocker spaniel. It appeared to have been a back yard romance as they people told the pet shop. I currently have two furballs now. Sonny and Tasha. I only waited for a week before I got Sonny and Tasha. I just could not stand coming home to a empty house it only reminded me that my precious Peppers was no longer there to greet me at the door or to give me her dog kisses anymore. Sonny is a mix of golden retriever and cocker spaniel. Tasha is a mix of border collie and welsh corgi. They are both sweeties. I adopted them from a local shelter. It was the best thing that I could have done to help the grieving process along for me because it gave me new furrballs to focus on and to take care of. I always knew in my heart that they would never take the place of Peppers because she was one of a kind and would always have a special place in my heart. I could never imagine my life without a furball in it. They enrich your life so much and teach you so much about unconditional love.

[quink42]

I couldn't agree with you more, Smiley. People like us NEED something to come home to and love and take care of. Otherwise there's just emptiness, and TV and computers just aren't enough to fill your soul. Kaylee (my new toy poodle) is little by little starting to fill the hole in my heart left by Midgy's loss. I know she loves me, and that really helps! A lot of people here in the apartment complex where I live don't have a pet, and for the most part, they're busybodies and mostly live to just gossip!!!! That's just not for me.....

I'm glad you got 2 more pets....they sound like fun, and they NEEDED YOU TOO!!! Kudos to you for what you've done.....

[smiley]

I couldn't agree more. They bring such joy into my life. Sonny was found dumped along the highway by the shelter and Tasha was given up by their owners to the shelter. Sonny is like my shadow. She follows me from room to room and never lets me out of her sight. I read in a book recently that golden retrievers will pick one person to be thier persn and she has picked me to be her person. I don't understand people who do not have pets in their lives. They do not know what they are missing out on. Our pets make us a better person in the end.