Helping My Mother Through Loss

[Tpol]

My father passed away 7 weeks ago from sudden cardiac arrest at age 62. I'm barely over the shock and far far from the acceptinng stage. He was so full of life and we were all so looking forward to spending more time together in the near future. We are a small family scattered around the world. My parents in Asia, my brother and his family in the UK and I live in Canada. As soon as I heard of the shocking news I caught the 1st flight to be with my Mom. I spent nearly 3 weeks there and now I'm back to my normal routine, dealing with my own grief.

The reason I posted this in this section is to seek help and advice for my mother from people who have lost a partner. She's in her early 60's, seemingly very strong-willed and independent, but she's obviously quite devestated. Neither myself nor my brother can spend extended amount of time with her due to our lives and responsibilities. But at the same time I'm constantly worried about her and want to do something for her. She has her mother and a few good friends. She also has two brothers who are not really there for her, too busy with their lives etc. She's alone all of a sudden and her kids live so far away. She's not expecting anything from us, but I keep thinking about her and wish could do something for her. She will eventually come and stay with us for a while come next spring/summer., but due to visa issues it won't be sooner than that. But I'm afraid she needs us for the first few months more than any other time. I call her almost everyday during evening their time when she might feel lonely. I'm planning on sending her some books and such. That's all I can do from this long distance. I wish she were more internet-literate, she could have kept busy that way. I suggested her to learn the internet by joining a class. Any other suggestions? If you were in her position, how could have your children from abroad helped you? Worrying about my mother is aggrevating my grief and I feel quite helpless.

[mlg]

I am sorry for your loss and your worry over your mom. I was 1 mos shy of 60 when my wonderful husband died. It is quite devastating and even though your mom may "need" you now, honestly she will need you more later when the numbness wears off.

The time that you are calling is really good as far as I'm concerned because nights were the worst for me. You have nothing to do but stare at 4 walls and think. Think about all that was and all that could be.

I hope she will consider taking a computer course because then she could not only correspond with you in a quick manner but could join groups like this that really understand a lot of what she is going through. For a lot of us this forum has been our salvation. Also if you and your brother have children she could eventually get a web cam and keep the kids and Grammy united. Maybe you can approach it that way.

About the only other thing I can suggest is maybe a massage, manicure or pedicure if they do those things. in Asia.

Just do what you feel in your heart and it will be right. Be sure to take care of yourself. You can't let your worry for your mom overshadow your own grief.

[valley]

Tpol

I am so sorry for the loss of your father.

You are worried about your mother and how she will deal with this horrible loss in her life. You say she is "seemingly strong willed and independent", but somehow I think even if you are, even if you aren't, the loss is devasting for all. We all have to find our own way and she is probably use to not having her children near her to help out in any easy way. Believe me, you are helping her....the calls are wonderful, wonderful. It probably gives your mother something to look forward to and someone she knows that she can trust to listen. You also need this for yourself.

Mary Linda gave some great suggestions for your mom, as the computer can be such a link to not only you and your brother, but to the world. If your mother is not adverse to classes she could take some on the computer and then enjoy the benefits of the close connections people can make using this tool.

When my husband died I did not have good concentration powers at all. I probably would have had a hard time learning anything, but with a little time she may like to put her energy into this new learning.

You say she has her mother and a few good friends....thats good. I know my grown children worried a lot about me right after their father died, but they were also suffering their own grief and loss. You must allow yourself to feel what you feel without feeling any guilt about not being near to your mother physically. She knows you are emotionally. My daughter does not live near me either(5 hours over mountain roads), but like you, she communicates with me on the phone....and of course we both email and send photos via email and have that as one more communication tool.

Take care of yourself.

Valley