This Soiled Shirt Keeps Me Going.....

[denny's heartbeat]

I just wanted to post and say that emotions run hot and cold, good days and bad days...and oh yes also the "very" bad days... This is a journey that I hadn't planned for and certainly wasn't prepared for. I have just put distance between Denny's family and myself, easier that way. Not getting to know them while Denny and I were together makes this a very awkward, usually fiasco, if I try to interact! Everyone grieves differently, his family wants to rid themselves of everything that Denny owned... me, well I'm still hanging onto dirty laundry and a shirt that Denny wore t he day before he passed! Different huh? 93 degrees and you will find me climbing into bed for the night wearing that green and black flannel shirt my baby wore!!! Sounds crazy i know and after 5 months I know that it should probably be washed with the rest of his things, BUT I JUST CANNOT DO IT!!! Personnal items and pictures are gone now, but by golly I still have this shirt. Don't have the scent to fall asleep with anymore, but if I think about it long enough, I believe I can smell my baby We heated with wood and he had cut wood at home the day before, so the wood, smoke from the stove, and that mornings shave brought me thru many dark hours. I''m still no good with the night hours. I'm functioning during the day, working hours that a woman of my age shouldn't even be thinking about, but it gets me thru... I know that I am grieving and doing what was put in my lap by Denny's unexpected death, and I find it the most unpleasant journey that I've ever set out on. Still feels like a few days ago instead of months ago, his good watch is still by the kitchen sink where he always put it In the bathroom hanging on the hook next to mine is his bath towel also... I know I may sound like I need medication, but to me it's part of him still here with me. Thanks for listening to me, always feel this load get alittle lighter. I love you baby... we will be together again, I know this...

[Boo Mayhew]

Hello my Harley-riding friend

you don't need medication (that made me laugh out loud thank you), you are not going nuts. Well if you are, then most of us here are along with you :-)

I still have the Santa's Cliff put up at home around the house ... his mug and bowl are still next to his side of the bed. All the tools and materials are dotted around, just where he left them. NO ONE ever mentions the Santa's but I know that they must see them ... one of them is a ZZ Top one and it is 3 or 4 feet tall! If my house caught fire today, I would take my dogs, his unwashed shirts, his ashes and our photos

this is a hard journey that we are on. The hardest of my life that's for sure.

Joanne, I have 2 new mantras:

breath, breath, be still and it will pass

I am moving towards you one day at a time. That was but a taste. Baby, the best is yet to come.

Just wanted to share that, it was good to hear from you

xx

[JeanneC]

Hi Joanna and Boo

I also have many of Alex's possessions. All of his clothing I donated to St. Marys. But I kept the shirt he wore when we first met. Some other pieces of clothing that meant a lot to him that he wore all the time. I still have a paper napkin that he used the day before he went into the hospital. It has sort of a fingerprint on it. He was eating chocolate (his favorite food) and it must have been on his fingers and you can see where he wiped his fingers on the napkin. Seems bazarre to some people, but it means a lot to me.

Boo - remember the mustard smear in you fridge? Well I still have the last onion that he never got to use. It has been in my fridge for a 1 1/2. Did not go bad or smell.

So, Joanna just like Boo said, you do not need medication. If this is what keeps you go, so be it.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[Boo Mayhew]

have also kept an empty coke bottle that he drank from and a juice bottle. It's those connections to the living him, isn't it? Also proof that they were here, almost, perhaps? I don't think you should ever throw the onion away my friend. It's not hurting anyone. Happy memories :-)

I'm having a comfort quilt made out of Cliff's clothes (the ones that he wore a lot, hold special memories, smell of him, looked great in). I have found a magical quilter (she is one of the widow-blog-friends that I've "met" and hope to meet in person one day). So she is making it and incorporating various ideas, such as embroidering on our nicknames, date of marriage, a dragonfly (because of "Waterbugs and Dragonflies" story that gives me so much comfort) and two Levi's back pockets (only the right hand ones!) that I can slip my hand into (when Cliff and I were out socializing, I'd always stand next to him at the bar and fit under his left arm, resting my right hand in his right hand Levi's back pockets). If you'd like to take a look at the work she has done, it is here:

http://www.myspace.com/recycledjeans

or here

http://renaissanceartist.blogspot.com/ (scroll down to bottom to see her "husband quilt")

The quilt won't be ready till around January/February, (she is giving me time to get his stuff together so I can DHL it over to her at the end November) ... but I can see myself wrapped up in it, on the sofa watching TV, snuggled up most nights, esp in the winter.

-------------------------------

[JeanneC]

Hi Boo:

I have to say that you are a real inspiration to me. All the things that you are involved in and all of your wonderful posts. It is great to see that you have a such a wonderful outlook on life and how you have come through this whole ordeal.

You always have something positive to say and that is what we all need at this time in our lives.

I have found that by coming to this post, and meeting people like you, and also many others on this post, that life has some meaning again.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[marsha]

To me, you ladies are all a blessing! Now I'm sorry I washed the clothes Joe was wearing when he last went into the hospital. But in the weeks following, I collected every stray hair, from his brush, the carpet - every one I came across, and put them in his jewelry box. A month ago I was cleaning out a drawer and came upon one of his hairbands, with his hair still entwined. It was like I saw the Holy Grail! His glasses sit in the dash of my truck, where he last took them off. And Boo, I believe you're exactly right when you say it's a kind of connection to the living him. What we've all described sounds perfectly normal to me. Love and hugs, Marsha

[denny's heartbeat]

hi boo, i have to say that you have become someone that has been very heartfelt and loved by myself thru all this... your straight to the point...no bs about it outlook on this journey we're traveling is something that i very much admire and respect!!! denny use to tell me..." baby i have no idea where that thought came from but there's a possibility you need medication my love", and he would just his ass off!!!! so the need of medication has been a fond memory that i can laugh about now!! cause in all seriousness there's a good chance that somewhere down the road i'm gonna need it!!!! lol i still have my pissed off days, oh boy do i, but i have noticed that some tolerable days have been sliding in here and there...and i can related to keeping things around you that they left there!! denny's cigarettes and lighter are sitting on the coffeetable next to that damn ashtray with whatelse you ask???? yes HIS cigarette butts!!! 5 pack of budwieser cans in the fridge, he got one out of there before he was taken from this world! boo, how could we possibly do without these things. you have NO idea how many people that i have yelled too,,,NOOOOOOO don't dump that ashtray, and no you can't have one of those, those are denny's smokes I'm sure my baby wouldn't care, but i do! when it's warm outside i break a sweat in that flannel, but you can bet all the money in the world that tonight, i will put it on and lay on his side of the bed and go to sleep but it all boils down to the same thing... i still miss the part of me that denny made!! i don't hate God anymore though, and yes i used the "Hate" word, i was so angry, pissed,livid, and yes alittle insane at the beginning of this path, but i see clearer now and death is a part of life. thank you for sharing those sayings and yes, yes, each day does bring me closer to the other half of my heart!!! awesome...and to all that might read this, keep those close personnal possessions because when those dark hours roll around and you can't sleep, and you have all these emotions going bonkers inside and you wait for madness to set in, put the article to your face and BREATHE your baby in!!! you will be surprised, but it works...everyday!! love you boo my friend, share more cliff stories with me, they are great!!! your harley riding friend to the end

[Boo Mayhew]

Jeanne, I just don't post if I am in that deep dark place, and I think that on the darker (but not the worst) days, it helps me to read other's ideas, issues, etc as it takes the spotlight off my own ... thanks - that is a very sweet thing to say (but not entirely deserved :-) And never forget that YOU are mine ... esp when I despair over getting our home finished xx

Hi Boo:

I have to say that you are a real inspiration to me. All the things that you are involved in and all of your wonderful posts. It is great to see that you have a such a wonderful outlook on life and how you have come through this whole ordeal.

You always have something positive to say and that is what we all need at this time in our lives.

I have found that by coming to this post, and meeting people like you, and also many others on this post, that life has some meaning again.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[Boo Mayhew]

:-)

it is so good to see your sense of humour is coming back, I can remember your very first post ....

Have you surprised yourself? I have.

don't disappear again xx

hi boo, i have to say that you have become someone that has been very heartfelt and loved by myself thru all this... your straight to the point...no bs about it outlook on this journey we're traveling is something that i very much admire and respect!!! denny use to tell me..." baby i have no idea where that thought came from but there's a possibility you need medication my love", and he would just his ass off!!!! so the need of medication has been a fond memory that i can laugh about now!! cause in all seriousness there's a good chance that somewhere down the road i'm gonna need it!!!! lol i still have my pissed off days, oh boy do i, but i have noticed that some tolerable days have been sliding in here and there...and i can related to keeping things around you that they left there!! denny's cigarettes and lighter are sitting on the coffeetable next to that damn ashtray with whatelse you ask???? yes HIS cigarette butts!!! 5 pack of budwieser cans in the fridge, he got one out of there before he was taken from this world! boo, how could we possibly do without these things. you have NO idea how many people that i have yelled too,,,NOOOOOOO don't dump that ashtray, and no you can't have one of those, those are denny's smokes I'm sure my baby wouldn't care, but i do! when it's warm outside i break a sweat in that flannel, but you can bet all the money in the world that tonight, i will put it on and lay on his side of the bed and go to sleep but it all boils down to the same thing... i still miss the part of me that denny made!! i don't hate God anymore though, and yes i used the "Hate" word, i was so angry, pissed,livid, and yes alittle insane at the beginning of this path, but i see clearer now and death is a part of life. thank you for sharing those sayings and yes, yes, each day does bring me closer to the other half of my heart!!! awesome...and to all that might read this, keep those close personnal possessions because when those dark hours roll around and you can't sleep, and you have all these emotions going bonkers inside and you wait for madness to set in, put the article to your face and BREATHE your baby in!!! you will be surprised, but it works...everyday!! love you boo my friend, share more cliff stories with me, they are great!!! your harley riding friend to the end

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[Boo Mayhew]

To me, you ladies are all a blessing! Now I'm sorry I washed the clothes Joe was wearing when he last went into the hospital. But in the weeks following, I collected every stray hair, from his brush, the carpet - every one I came across, and put them in his jewelry box. A month ago I was cleaning out a drawer and came upon one of his hairbands, with his hair still entwined. It was like I saw the Holy Grail! His glasses sit in the dash of my truck, where he last took them off. And Boo, I believe you're exactly right when you say it's a kind of connection to the living him. What we've all described sounds perfectly normal to me. Love and hugs, Marsha

[Korina]

Coming to this forum sometimes reduces (or uplifts) me to tears. Other days there is simply the comfort of being with others who know. I have to laugh (a bit). Earlier, when I had read part of this string, it reminded me of how much I love Scott's hair, and was desparately looking for some remnants. And then, last night, I found some in the 'junk drawer' in the coffee table. He had kept the wooden brush I gave him for our anniversary one year (and I used a dremmel tool to inscribe our names and the date on the back - bit amateurish, but the thought was there). He kept the brush in that drawer. Sigh... I collected them in a ziplock bag.

Korina