My Best Friend Bernard

[dot]

It has been two months today that I had to let him go. Bernard was a collie-St. Bernard mix that I found at a shelter 12 years ago. He was four months old and the cutest puppy I had ever seen.It was just Bernard and I for the next twelve years. He went everywhere I did. On his first visit to the vet he said Bernard would probably reach 40 lbs or so. Well, his highest weight was 108. I was so fortunate that he picked me as his companion. He wasn't always good. He didn't like to be left alone. I still have a corner torn from my mattress, and a new pair of glasses that he chewed up. (That was my fault for not putting them away) But for the most part, he was great. Any time something came up missing I would find it buried in the couch. He was something.

The last three years of his life he became blind. The vet didn't know why and said there was nothing he could do. He would run into the walls and furniture, even though I never moved anything. He seemed okay with that and still enjoyed life. He began to have thyroid problems, but that didn't seem to cause him any pain. He had bells palsy. That lasted about a month and left him with one ear standing up and one ear droopy. We would go for walks almost every day. Towards the last few months of his life he began having trouble walking, then trouble with his bowels and just not himself. I knew the time was near, but just didn't want to face it. A good friend who had gone through this with her pet said to be strong for him and be calm when the time came. On August 3, 2009 I knew that I needed to let him go. I kept in mind what Betsy had said and I did the best I could to reassure him that I was there and it was okay. But after it was over and his head was in my lap I cried so hard. I'm still crying every day for the loss of my best friend and companion. My heart is so broken. It was just him and I. I feel so alone now. It was the best thing for him, I know, but I miss him so. I have two grown daughters who think I should be over it by now. I wish they understood how my heart aches for him. I know I will come to terms with it in time, but it too soon. Way too soon! Thanks for letting me put this down in writing and know other people will understand. I wish you could have known Bernard. You would have loved him too. Dot

[MartyT]

Oh my dear Dot, I'm so sorry to learn about your precious best friend, Bernard. I have a feeling I know exactly what he looked like, since my own father had a collie-St. Bernard named Moose that was the love of his life, and she was beautiful. She, too, was just about the cutest puppy ever. The bond between them was exactly the way you describe the bond you have with your beloved Bernard, and I can only imagine how your heart is breaking now. Please know that you're among kindred spirits here, and no one in this forum will ever wonder or question why you're feeling as you are. We've all been where you are now, and we know how much it hurts.

Your post got me thinking again about my dad -- we just passed his death-date anniversary, and although he died many years ago, I still miss him terribly -- I thought you might want to read something I wrote several years about him and his Moose, here: Memorializing a Cherished Pet

[smiley]

My heart goes out to you. I lost my precious Peppers 5 years ago due to cancer and I had to make the decision to euthanze. She got to the point of where she would not eat or be able to breathe easily. I cried for weeks afterwards. People just did not understand or did not know what to say. I think a lot of people just do not understand because they have never expereienced that unconditional love that our precious pets give to us. Give yourself all the time that you need to grieve and work through your grief. What helped me was to keep a journal of my feelings and the good memories with her. For me adopting 2 new furballs a couple of weeks after losing Peppers was the best thing for me because it gave me a chance to give my love to new kids who needed a home but they have never replaced my precious babygirl. The Rainbow Bridge poem gives me a lot of hope that my Peppers is waiting for me on the other side. I hope these words have given you some comfort in your time of grief.

[quink42]

Hi Dot,

I had to put down my tiny toy poodle just 4 days later than you did your Bernard. So my grief too has lasted over 2 months, and not a day goes by that I don't cry 3 or 4 times. When you really love your babies as much as we did, it's not easy to say goodbye. I truly believe tho, that they're waiting in the Lord's kingdom for us, and we'll be reunited some day. But in the meantime, the 2 things that have helped me are: getting out of my apartment with friends and doing just about anything but sit around and think about it, and the other thing I did was adopt a new puppy. Lots of people thought it was too soon, but I couldn't stand coming home to an empty apartment. My new furbaby, Kaylee, will never take the place of my Midgy, but she sure keeps me busy and also gives me a reason to smile again. And the more I get to know her, the more I appreciate her very OWN uniqueness. I don't know how long it will take before I finally quit crying, but I do believe it's a 'little' easier now than it was on that horrible day I said goodbye. The saying TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS is probably the smartest thing anyone ever dreamed up! It's true....the only part unsaid was 'how long' the 'time' thing has to be, but that's different for each individual. I hope you get a new puppy, or even an older dog. So many of them NEED you.....and you need one of them too.