Losing Daddy

[madimoon10]

I lost my dad about two months ago. I miss him so much. It feels like the worst feeling in the whole world, it is indescribable. None of my friends can really relate to me so my Mom's friend showed me this to help me talk to someone who really understands. I am really mad because I miss seeing my dad around the house doing this I have been so used to. I miss talking to him and playing games with him. I miss the way he helped me with homework, or my problems, or even how to complete a task. I miss his smile. Sometimes I melt down. I cry and cry and I want to through a big fit. I want to yell and scream and I want only him and no body else. I want him to comfort me like he does, and tell me how perfect I am and how much I mean to him. Being a teenager makes it hard. You are constantly telling your parents to go away, you want to be with your friends. But now I want to be with my parents so much. I want to be with my dad. I wish I could have him here with me to help me through this. I want to hear his voice, and not just in my head. My mom tells me that some dads are not kind to their kids. That some dads aren't there. But mine was different. My dad was always there no matter what else was going on. Everyday he told me he loved me and was here to protect me. He supported anything I did and never put me down. I was his angel, his princess, the person he wanted to see when he gets home. I am scared I will forget him as I grow older. I am scared I will forget him in the next year. I feel so many emotions, I can't even explain. So if you lost your Dad, please reply to this because I need to know I am not alone, and that I am not the only person feeling this way.

I miss you Daddy so much!

-madimoon10

[madimoon10]

Another thing I forgot to add is this:

My dad died from a stroke only 1 in ten million people get. It has no cure. He was a perfectly healthy man who played golf on the day his stroke happened. It was scary and unexpected. My sister found him on the ground of his office and screamed for me and my mother. She is very young and is trying to continue to be strong. It was very scary because my mom was on a phone call and my sister and I were trying to wake him up, then we went to get my mom who began to cry and call 911, we ran to get our neighbors help and our neighbor came as fast as he could. On that day, and the next days he never talked to me again because he couldn't. His brain was almost dead and the best doctors in the world couldn't fix it. He kissed my Mom one last time and played a thumb war with her while riding in a helicopter to the hospital, but he couldn't talk and those were his last movements or conversation towards us. I cry each night and have flashbacks of the hospital. I just wanted to share the story so it would make my last entry more understandable.

[Kavish]

Hi Madimoon,

"Stroke is a 3rd most common cause of death in the developed countries of the world, as listed by the World Health Organisation. More than 150,000 Americans die of it each year, representing app. 1/3 rd of all those who suffer a stroke. ONly cardiac arrest and cancer exceed its marauding power. " This excerpt has been taken from Dr. Sherwin B Nuland's book called "How we Die."

I am sorry your dad died of this blockage in the blood supply to the brain. My friend suffered of it too. So I share in your grief.

I wish you my sincerest condolences.

Kavish

[Mary D]

I was deeply touched by what you wrote. I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I have many of the same feelings you have. My dad, Jose Guerra, was 90 years old and I'm 48. He died Monday, September 28, 2009. When he was in the hospital, I would come home and "throw a fit" I felt like I was 7 years old, kicking and screaming for my daddy and the only person who could comfort me was my daddy. I would yell (howl) from the depth of my being, my whole body shook. I really felt like I was "losing" it (perhaps I did for a bit). Then I would have to go back to the hospital and be a "big girl" and make life and death decisions (I was the medical power of attorney for my dad, I had to make medical decisions for him because he was unable to make them for himself, like withdrawing all medical care at the end).

I also related to your "fear" of forgetting your daddy. That was my fear too this past Monday, a week after he died. I wondered and feared if I would forget his voice, his smile, his hugs, his blessings, would I get so busy with my life that he wouldn't matter to me anymore, that made me sooo sad. I sat at his gravesite that day and cried and cried . . . . I want to share with you a few stories that I hope will give you hope that you will not forget your daddy.

My dad and mom (both are gone, together forever ) had the best sense of humor and would loved making people laugh. On the day of my dad's burial as the coffin was being brought out of the hearse (my sons were the pall bearers) my heart began to break all over again and I began to cry hysterically, my parents' friend, Al, came up to me and my head fell on his shoulder and I sobbed, he said to me in a puzzled manner, "I was at the wrong funeral . . . see that group over there," he pointed and continued, "the priest said, 'Let's pray for Juan Hernandez' and I knew I was at the wrong place." (my dad's name is Jose Guerra) I began to laugh hysterically and knew my parents had a hand in this.

On the day that I sat near his gravesite, I decided to go visit Juan Hernandez's gravesite to pay my respect and to thank him for the "laugh." As I walked toward Juan's gravesite, I asked my dad, "Dad, I just want you to talk to me, I want to hear your voice." Nothing. When I got to the gravesite I noticed that Juan's flowers needed rearrangement and as I fixed them, I noticed that Juan's middle name was "Angel." Too cool. I smiled. A gentleman walked towards me and told me he was sorry for my loss, I told him that I didn't know Juan but I told him the story and we both smiled. He then told me he had lost his wife in April and was so sad, he began to cry, I extended my arms and gave him a hug that he graciously accepted.

He then told me that his two daughters care for him now, it reminded me of my sister and me (who cared for my dad). He also told me that he was sick with an illness that the doctor's feared would return because he's in so much grief. Then I heard it, my dad's voice, "Pray for him. Help heal him." You see my dad gave me a healing prayer that he had started using since he was 7 years old and "ordered" me to go forth and pray for others who needed it. So, following the prompting of the voice in my heart, I asked the gentlemand, Felipe, if I could pray for him. I did. and I felt so close to my dad, more than ever. He's in my heart, he's never leaving so long as it has a beat.

The last story I wanted to share with you happened yesterday, I was in yoga class and in the final pose, which ironically is called "corpse pose" savasana, and while I lay there completley relaxed after a strenuous practice, I saw my dad's smiling face, I heard myself asking him, "Do you have your chompers (his dentures)?" He smiled widely and bit down on his teeth a few times and we both just laughed and laughed both our smiles as bright as the sun (I'm smiling now just thinking of it).

Ask him to come to you, he will, in a way you never imagined.

Peace dear one, peace. You will get through this. I promise. Hold on. I believe your dad would want you to.

peace and good, mary d

I've attached a picture of my dad, me and my sister, two days before he went into the hospital, Sunday, September 20, 2009.

[madimoon10]

Thank you for answering!

I would like to add that my father's stroke was different from any stroke. It had very different symptoms, but has a name I can not describe, it is similar to a stroke so that's what they call it. I realize that one of the responses says that a stroke is very common, well not in the case of my father's. His type of stroke was different from a normal one. It was the extremely rare. Again thank you for responding! It has been so hard on me and to get comments back is amazing!

[LindaKoz]

My heart goes out to you as you struggle with the loss of your dear father. Hang on to those memories. Perhaps you could start writing letters to him or begin a journal which will help you to keep those memories forever. I lost my fiancee, Brian, one month ago. He had five children (ages 13 throught 25). I see the grief they are all experiencing and it is similiar to what you are feeling. There are no easy answers. We all continue to experience shock at the fact that Brian is really gone. When we are together, we talk about him and share our stories and memories. In this way he will continue to live in our hearts.

All you can do right now is cry when you need to, talk with your family and friends, and if you feel the need to scream, go ahead. It is not fair that your father was taken from you. Be gentle with yourself and make sure that you are getting enough rest and nutrition. The grieving process is very hard--physically, mentally, and emotionally. I, too, have found this site to be comforting because we can all relate -- we have all experienced loss. Sending hugs your way.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda