My Father Is Gone Forever

[kayatas]

Well what to say,

Im new to this board as of today. And I am just comming to grips the fact that my dad is really gone. As of the 1st of February, 2005. He will have been decesed for 2 years. I still cannot beleive that it has been 2 years. It was just like yeasterday I got the phone call that changed my life foever.

Me and my dad were never really close. My ma and him divorced when I was about 4 years of age. Due to the physical abuse to my ma, she had left him. My dad was a very sick man with schizophrenia.

He had a very tramatic childhood which left him in a dream world 24/7 due to his ordeal.

I have forgiven him for what he has done to me and my ma in the past as he was sick and could not control his actions or words.

Throughout my childhood I meet with my dad maybe 5 times and this alone kills my heart. My dad never excepted me as his child he only excepted my older sister.

We have had our good days and bad. And well just before my dad was taken from me. I had not spoken to him for about 5 years. And he had changed his phone number and had it unlisted. I got a hold of his girlfriend at the time and asked if she had it as I was going through some really hard times emotinaly and I wanted to rekindle our relashionship. His girlfriend would not give me the number, she was afraid he would beat her if he found out. So I left well enough alone.

Well about mid January in 2002 I got this really stange overwhelming feeling come over me. I knew in my soul, call the phone directory I told myself and request my dad's first and last name. I knew the city he lived in as the police had confirmed that with me but would not tell me where.

And when I called the phone directory and gave them the details I had, the lady replied to me. The --------at ---------and she gave an address. I said yes! give me that number please.

I got the phone number and I was so nervous but I dialed it.

My Dad, he answered the phone and I knew it was him. I said Patrick? he said yes who is this. I said my nickname he says who? I said my nickname again. He says who? I said its your daughter. He than says my full given name.

He was soooooo surprized to hear my voice....as well as I. He started to tell me how he was just looking at his Christmas tree and was thinking bout me and my sister. He said he was going to leave his xmas tree up all year long because it made him happy.

He told me that he was doing much better, was not drinking as much and did not have to take as much med's(for his mental illness) he was feeling really good.

I had told him that I graduated from Collage now, I was driving now, I was living with the man that I want to marry. And I was so happy with my life at that time.

That my sister's baby(his grandaughter) was now 4 years old and getting really big( he had never met, held, or even seen a photo of his first and only grandchild)

He was so interested in talking with me, when before because of his illness you could not even hold a 10 miniute conversation with him without him just start talking bout something else.

My half brother was over there, so my dad asked me if I wanted to talk to him, so I did for a little while.

Then my Dad came back on the phone. I told him where I was living and working and he says' becareful driving to work on that road, especially in the winter "that's the dead man's curve" This was the only parental guidence/warning/anything my Dad has ever told me.

I will rember that for the rest of my life.

I could tell he was starting to get restless on the other end. then says so how did you get my number?

I told him the phone directory gave it to me. He says but it is an unlisted number, are you sure? I told him yeah I'm definetly sure. I almost fell off my chair when the gave me the number.

Well he says here is my address and buzzer number. He gave it to me. Then he says " I want you to come over some time soon as I really need to talk to you about something." I asked him what "tell me on the phone" as I hate when someone puts me in suspense, I just hate the way it makes me feel. He says "I cant tell you, I have to see you, come by yourself I really need to see you and talk" I said sure Dad I'll come over.

Well I called him about 3 times after we spoke and no one ever answered so I never went as I was secured entry and I did not want to drive there and no one be home.

Well it's now February, 2002 and its February 1st

I felt really strange this day, something was just wrong. I'm one who moves on my vibes and nothing but. That day my vibes were really bad. I remember driving to work that morning and calling my mom, my fiance, my sister just to be sure evryone was alright. Everyone was fine. I even made my fiance call his mom to be sure she was good. Everyone was fine.

Had a parcular day at work that day but went home that evening.

I had xmas staff party to attend that night. So I go outside to start my car, and I'm in Canada it suppose to be snowing this time of year and well I could not see my hand in front of my face that night I was so foggy. So I come back in my house and told my fiance I'm going to go up the road and see if it gets any better. I will be back in 5 minutes if its really bad or I'll be back later tonight if it good.

Well I was back in less than 5 minutes. It was terrible that evening.

I get back in my house and sit for about 45 minutes. Then the phone rings. It's my sister. She tells me I have to get to town right away to the hospital. I asked her why? whats wrong? she says its dad and its not good hurry up and get here.

So off I went. And the fog was completly gone now (only about an hour after I tried to leave earlier)

This was the beginning of the worst day of my life. I got to the hospital and he was already gone. My dad's - ex girlfreind was not even planning on calling us( my dads first 2 kids from my ma and his marriage) then he had two kids with the girlfreid who was his ex gf at about 2 years prior to his death. The only reason they called us was because we were his legal next of Kin and without our consent they could not take him off life support. So they decided they were going to include us on MY DADS DEATH.

Cause of death: bad fall ie: was drunk and trying to make it to last call. he fell and that was the end of his pain forever.

One thing I can say to anyone and everyone reading this .

If you drink or think you might not be able to control yourself if you start. Please, please, please I begg you all Please put down the bottle. Dont cause this pain upon you family dont let alcohol end your valuable life and take you away from the people that love you. Please dont drink Never mind drinking and driving dont even walk and drink. Alcohol has had control over many aspects of my life for a long time and its a chain reation the effects acholisim does to your life and the people around you. it is a viscous circle that has to be stopped. I use to drink because that's all I know. But know I cant even imagine allowing myself to feel the effects of alcohol I hate it I absolutly HATE IT!!!!!

My step dad still drinks and heavely and one day Ill probley lose him to it too.

PLEASE DONT DRINK IT TOOK MY DAD"S LIFE. ONE BAD FALL THAT HE DID NOT GET UP FROM

INSTANT NUEROLOGICAL DEATH.

One postive thing that has come from all of this is that me and my sister wanted to donate his organs

I can proudly say MY DAD SAVED SOMEONES LIFE WITH THE EXPENSE OF HIS OWN!

An Angel received his heart to beat more strong

An Angel received his lungs to breath once again

An Angel received his liver to have clean blood

An Angel received his Corneas to have sight once more

I am so proud of him! Four different people's lives changed forever because of our choice.

One thing I found out to is that the recipents of organ donation are usually so far on the list that then have been given notice to about 6 months to live.

And to receive an organ match by the grace of God to have a strong healthy life once more.

I am however so confused ON MY EMOTIONS I probley within the last 6 months jsut come to grips that he is really gone. I wonder so deeply and I search within my soul so deep and nothing, I need to know what he wanted to tell me.

I feel so heart broken and lost . I was just about to have a chance to have a normal relashionship for the first time in my life and it is all taken away again.

Sometimes I feel so mad and angry at him, other times I feel so sad for his pain, other times I do not know what I feel but pure confusion.

Is it normal to feel this way after 3 years? I feel like I am just starting to mourn for his death now and because he passed so long ago I feel as if maybe my feelings are not valid. Sometimes I think of times that we did have together or the shape of his hand and it floods me with tears I feel like I am choking and cannot swallow or breath. And other days I do not even think at all.

I feel so left out and hurt. I need some answers I need to rest my heart and the pain seeping out of my soul.

The Christmas tree was still up and the angel was a St'Patty Day hat "my dads day".

No one uderstands my pain. Anyone that I have personally confided in has told me, "but you did not even really know him". What they do not realize is this hurts even more because I will never know him know and they are just putting salt in my wounds.

Please help me.

Lost and Alone

Kayatas

[MartyT]

My dear friend,

I am deeply sorry for your loss. As I read your story, I am reminded of a powerful passage I found some time ago and placed on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site:

When love ends, be it the first mad romance of adolescence,

the love that will not sustain a marriage, or the love of a failed friendship, it is the same.

A death.

Likewise in the event of a miscarriage or an abortion:

a possibility is dead.

And there is no public or even private funeral.

Sometimes only regret and nostalgia mark the passage.

And the last rites are held in the solitude of one’s most secret self —

a service of mourning in the tabernacle of the soul.

— Robert Fulghum, in From Beginning to End

What you are mourning, my friend, is not only the death of your dad, but also the death of a possibility, the death of a dream. You are experiencing the death of the relationship you never had with your dad in the past, and now can never hope to have in the future, either. That is a significant loss, and it is certainly worthy of your grief, regardless of how long ago this death happened. There is no time frame for grief, and your feelings are valid and real no matter how long you’ve felt this way. Grief doesn’t “go” anywhere, after all. It just lies there, waiting for us to take care of it, and sometimes it can lie there for years if we do not address it and work through it. If after three years your feelings are still raw and demanding your attention, you are wise to take a closer look at them. It is never too late to do the work of grief.

While I can certainly understand your need to know whatever it is your dad had wanted to tell you when he saw you, the sad fact is that you will never know for sure, and eventually you must come to terms with that. But given where you were with your dad at that point, having just re-established contact with him and knowing he was so glad to hear from you, it seems reasonable to assume that it was something positive and good, and my prayer for you is that one day you will find some comfort in that assumption, hold onto it and let it be enough. You might even try writing yourself a letter from your dad. Try writing as if the writer was your dad, and see what words come through to you. This can be a very powerful exercise.

I can also understand your feeling heartbroken that “I was just about to have a normal relationship for the first time in my life and it was all taken away again.” But since your dad suffered from a serious mental illness, had a long history of alcohol abuse and barely one month later was drinking heavily enough to sustain a fall that later proved to be fatal, it does not seem to me that he was capable of developing and maintaining a “normal relationship” with you or anyone else.

You say that you have forgiven your father for what he did to you and your mother in the past, because you knew he was sick and could not control his actions or his words, and I want to commend you for that – but what about what your dad did to you in the more recent past? Perhaps there is more there that needs to be forgiven. Remember too that forgiveness is not a single act; it is a process that takes place over time. I’ve posted in another forum some insightful words of Kay Talbot, psychotherapist and bereaved parent, writing about forgiveness, and I’d like to share her comments with you now:

Today, in my work with grieving people. I often find that forgiveness is misunderstood. What does forgiveness mean? Let's look first at what it doesn't mean. Forgiveness does not mean condoning or pardoning insensitive or abusive behavior or acting like everything is okay when we feel it isn't. It does not mean forgetting what has happened or naively trusting others who have shown themselves to be untrustworthy.

[In Forgiveness: A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart] Robin Casarjian helps to clarify this: "What we are forgiving is not the act, not the abuse or the insensitivity. What we are forgiving is the people, the people who could not manage to honor and cherish themselves, us, their families, their spouses, their children or others. What we are forgiving is their confusion and ignorance and desperation and whatever it happens to be. It's not about what you do. It's about how you perceive the person and the situation. So you can forgive somebody and set boundaries and still take action. You can forgive somebody and litigate against them."

Forgiveness is a conscious decision to stop hating both ourselves and others. It is an act of self-interest - something we do for ourselves to find greater freedom and peace. Even when we have suffered outrageous trauma, we can work through our appropriate anger and choose forgiveness as a powerful way to cast off the role of victim . . .

When we choose forgiveness, we consciously recognize that we cannot change others, but we can change ourselves - gradually, over time, and with much difficult, emotional work . . .

Forgiving becomes a process we embrace over and over. Memorials and rituals are tools we use to continue the process. Forgiveness is not a one-time event that absolves us of all future feelings of anger or guilt. Actually, guilt, like anger, can be a useful emotion. Appropriate guilt stirs up our consciences and makes us realize we need to ask for forgiveness. But inappropriate guilt keeps us from feeling forgiven and from creating a healthy future.

In my evolving grief process, I have learned to identify, express and release anger and inappropriate guilt, to forgive, to seek and receive forgiveness. The person I am becoming in this process is a gift from my daughter. Not one I would have chosen, but one I choose to cherish nevertheless. My hope is that all who grieve will find such gifts within the legacy of their own lives.

– Kay Talbot, "The Gift of Forgiveness," Bereavement Magazine, March / April 1999

You say you're not getting much support or understanding from others, who don't seem to appreciate how cheated you feel at never having experienced a special relationship with your dad, or how difficult it must be for you now to cope with the realization that you will never have it in the future. Unfortunately, that is not uncommon. Those who have not experienced a similar loss can be terribly insensitive in what they say to us, even when they don’t intend to be. (See, for example, the posting in our Loss of a Sibling forum entitled What I Hated Most.) It is also true that people tend to be finished with our grief a lot sooner than we are done with our own need to talk about it. But there are many sources of help for grieving people out there – you just need to take the time to find them.

You might begin by reading a little about what normal grief looks like, so you'll have a better understanding of what you're going through and what you have in common with others – it also may reassure you that what you're experiencing is quite normal under the circumstances. My own Grief Healing Web site contains a number of articles I've written on various aspects of grief (see my Articles and Books page), beautiful pieces written by others (see Comfort for Grieving Hearts well as links to other sources of information on the Links page.

Participating in an on-line discussion group such as this one is another positive step, because it enables you to give your grief a voice. Here you can share your story of loss and find emotional support and even inspiration from others whose experiences may be similar to your own. And it's available to you at no cost, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Grief is very hard work, but you don’t have to do it all alone. It is my hope that here you’ll find some of the comfort and support you need and deserve, and I hope too you will hear from others who also may be mourning the loss of a relationship that will never be.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[kayatas]

Thank you sooooo much Marty.

Your reply has touched my soul.

I just did not know if my feeling would be valid or not. And there is so much more to this mess of a story of my life and everything just keeps adding on.

Im always down on one knee and someone always manages to knick the other one out.

But I always manage to get back up on that one knee again.

Like my mom always said youre never given more than you can handle but why sooo much

I dont understand the messages of my life

But I want to thank you for your inspiring words

Much love

Kayatas